Rapture Ralph for President

RALPH Takes to America's Roadways!

2011-06-02T02:38:00.001-07:00

Candidate RALPH is wasting no time launching his 2012 effort. Inspired in part by Sarah Palin's bus tour, which has already taken her from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle event to airport-ready chain pizza with "The Donald" in Times Square, RALPH is taking to the road in a style more uniquely his own.

The 2008 campaign van having been scrapped following a series of mishaps - the final, most fatal one involving a cotton candy machine, a backhoe and three goats of questionable provenance - the Sonnys held a meat draw to raise funds for a new campaign vehicle. $700 and 15 pounds of ground chuck later, the campaign's prayers were answered in the form of a vintage Airstream trailer which could be hitched to the Sonnys' pickup to ensure that the candidate could travel in air-conditioned comfort.

RALPH's first demand was that the side of the trailer be painted trompe l'oeil style (although of course he didn't use that phrase, but said, in so many words, THAT CRAZY SPELLING FRENCH STUFF THAT MAKES THINGS LOOK LIKE OTHER THINGS, BUT I WON'T SAY THAT BECAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT THE FRENCH-HATE, IRISH-HATE, GUINNESS-HATE, BERETS-HATE, EUROPE-HATE...) with the image of a fierce attack dog, to demonstrate to supporters on the campaign trail just how serious a defense policy he has in mind for the USA. Readers of this blog will remember the border wall with Dobermans, moat and alligators.

The results were less than satisfying, but all that the campaign can afford until the donation machine churns up into high gear.

Additional decor requested by RALPH included the pasta and white goods prominently depicted on the sides of the trailer, as well as the American flag which will stream out after the trailer en route. Unfortunately, the massive size that RALPH requested proved incompatible with the requirement to keep the flag from touching the ground....so, at the end of the day, the campaign had to settle for a small desk flag and a bicycle bell.

On the interior, the RALPH trailer is also sumptuously appointed, including genuine Naugahyde upholstery in the dining and lounging area. Repurposed carpeting was acquired at bargain rates from a Howard Johnson's renovation in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And a splendid folding metal chair was retrieved from a dumpster and spray-painted red, white and blue to facilitate seating for RALPH's no doubt numerous autograph sessions.

Whichever BLAT eventually joins the campaign will be sleeping on an air mattress in the Sonnys' pickup's bed.

And what route, you ask, will this epic vehicle be taking?

Read future posts and discover, Grasshopper. RALPH can be cagier even than Sarah Palin. And certainly yet more unpredictable.

Opposition Group Vows "Ralph will Never See the White House"

2011-05-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

The Rapturous Troll Brigade may be rejoicing about RALPH’s presidential campaign, but not everyone is so happy. A new political organization called "RALPH’s Unstoppable Irish Nemesis" (RUIN) issued the following statement today:

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RUIN wants to warn America about the latest nutcase to enter the race for the job of Most Powerful Man in the Country. Speaking from his usual seat at the Harp and Hiccup Irish pub in Queens, New York, RUIN’s president described RALPH as a loser who, in the unlikely event that he’s ever elected, will run anyone of Irish descent out of the USA.

"This RALPH fellow makes Sarah Palin look like an intellect," said RUIN’s President, Seamus O’Carolan (Yogi) McWriggles. "I don’t know how he got such a bee in his bonnet about the Irish - maybe it’s some kind of Freudian thing - but he rags on and on about it and no one else gives a shite."

For example, McWriggles noted, RALPH has just called on Britain to depose Queen Elizabeth for her state visit to Ireland, replacing her with her grandson, "The New King Billy" and thus bringing about a new Glorious Revolution. "If he’s President, he’ll spend more time in trying to overthrow another country’s government than in governing his own. I ask you, is that what an American President does? Oops, Bush did that, didn’t he? Never mind."

McWriggles also promised that RUIN would dog RALPH’s footsteps throughout the campaign. "We’ve got our rowdy student hecklers ready for every rally. The Guinness Cream Pie Throwing brigade is busy in their kitchens as we speak. We’ve got musicians who are prepared to sing Enya songs and play Chieftains music outside his window every night. I guarantee, he’ll never get closer to the White House than Council Bluffs, Iowa. Here, have another Bailey's, on me. Erin go bragh!"

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The RALPH/BLAT campaign has yet to issue a response.

RALPH/BLAT Return for 2012!!!!!

2011-05-27T02:50:00.000-07:00

It has finally come to this, dear friends. Trump has bailed. Daniels is no longer in it to win it. Huckabee has jumped the riverboat. We have remaining the failure-prone field of Cain, Pawlenty, and perhaps Santorum..the latter of whose canine Google issues doom him from the outset.

Oh, and Gingrich, already tripping over his own feet.

The less said about Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the better, at this point. Perhaps she and Ralph will find true love and she’ll be our next gun-totin’, moose-obliteratin’ First Lady.

But, there is no viable alternative, our faithful brethren. No possible course other than this.

We must revive the campaign to bring our One True Saviour to the pinnacle of government, aided and abetted by his able and worthy comrades.

The RAPTURE RALPH FOR PRESIDENT campaign must rise again!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Sales of the RALPH/BLAT commemorative coin set having been sparse at best, our first effort must be to fill the campaign coffers apace. Toward that end, Konservo, coming off a very successful turn as a Munchkin in the ongoing Broadway run of Wicked, has contributed a nest egg from which he will match every donation to the JIHAD-LOVING Newshounds site between now and the end of June 2011…assuming nobody gets unexpectedly Raptured during that time. But dear Konservo’s funds will not go to that effort, my friends. Oh, no, indeed. Every penny of his treasure hoard will fund the resurgence of our Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – our long-lost but never-forgotten RALPH and BLAT.

And what of these paragons, during the interval since their last sighting?

RALPH has spent much of his time closeted with Harold Egbert Camping (yes, it’s really his middle name...which explains so much, in a way) in the otherwise godless enclave of California’s Bay Area, poring over Scripture and bashing madly at their outdated paper-tape calculators, seeking the precise mathematical formula to forecast the Rapture correctly for the masses…well, and occasionally going in for a professional de-lousing. (And don’t let RALPH’s disclaimers of non-involvement sway you, either: there are too many sightings of deliveries to the Family Radio offices of Peet’s Coffee laced with ten sugars and garlic to be explained by anything other than the presence of RALPH and the Sonnys.) True, he has stepped aside occasionally to rail against his Irish nemeses…but that was only when Camping was having a nap, so that’s OK. And, besides, they now have until October, if you hadn’t heard. So don’t cancel plans for that Labor Day fundraising BBQ.

As for BLAT, there is the usual confusion between Campaign Blat and California Blat to be reckoned with. Reports have come in that Campaign Blat has been spotted in various Wisconsin venues, using his Google Street View van to track the movements of opponents of Governor Scott Walker, whilst still occasionally lapsing into show tunes under his breath. California Blat, meanwhile, has been reportedly attending events sponsored by the Malibu Film Society and hanging ten at the beach. We feel sure, however, that one or perhaps both of them will materialize once the campaign catches fire anew. Neither of them could ever resist the spotlight.

Konservo? Well, if anything, he’s been the most in evidence of them all, and intelligence suggests that he is in discussions with TLC to develop a new reality show called Konservo’s Fabulous Friends, in which he cultivates a dozen different individuals not unlike himself, tragically eliminating one each week following such challenges as drag-queen dressing, the toilet-brush tango, and crafting the ultimate canape/cocktail combo, until he finds his soulmate. Despite this intelligence, however, we are confident that he will be able to juggle this endeavor with the demands of the campaign trail.

Are you WITH us, friends? Let’s give the White House the leader it deserves. RALPH and BLAT resurgent – Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – on the trail officially for 2012!

LAST CHANCE! Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign Offers Commemorative Coin Set - Proceeds to Benefit 2012 Initiatives!

2009-01-24T00:49:00.001-08:00

In the words of a libtarded, jihad-loving hippie band, it has been "a long and winding road" that has brought the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign to its reluctant conclusion. We recognize with regret and the occasional maddened howl at the moon that not only have John McCain and our American Sweetheart, Sarah Palin, gone down to defeat, but they have done so at the hands of a regime that is determined to undo so much of the good work that has already been done by AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-GEORGE-W-BUSH and also to forestall the many further reforms and positive changes that would have been undertaken by a successful Troll Party Administration.

But all is not lost, our faithful followers! For even in this darkest hour, for only three easy installments of $24.95 plus shipping and handling, you can become a proud owner of the Limited Edition Ralph/Blat 2008 Commemorative Coin Set!

This uncirculated, illegal-tender collection of five authentic fake coins illustrates and enshrines for all time the many high points of the historic (some would even say, PRE-historic) Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign.

The centerpiece of this distinctive collection is the Ralph Doubloon. Our Candidate's visage sends an unmistakable message of Hope and Change, while the obverse (not shown) features the headquarters of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign at the Bide-A-Wee trailer park.

Running Mate Blat is featured on the 50-cent piece, limned in glorious full color. The obverse shows the campaign van which took the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign's message far and wide throughout this great land.

Of course, no commemorative coin set would be complete without the inclusion of Konservo, Candidate Ralph's frequent confidante and a central figure throughout the campaign. Konservo poses on the 25-cent coin with his trademark toilet brush and his distinctive hairdo and beard; on the obverse is an image of the iconic Lookout Bar & Grill in Ottawa, the scene of so many of Konservo's artistic musical triumphs.

But that's not all!! In addition to these three legendary figures, you'll receive an additional two commemorative doubloons lauding this landmark campaign. The "Morning After" doubloon features the book cover from Ralph's own defining fact-based novel, hailed by critics and detractors alike as "the nuttiest thing we've ever seen in print." On the obverse, you will find a Lincoln Bedroom scene deemed unsuitable for online promotion. Complementing it is the "Moment-Men" doubloon, showcasing the people's heroes who stepped up to the plate for the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign. All your favorites are here: Hiram T. Peashucker, Cletus S. Knothole, and so many more. Relive your favorite highway blockade moments with this historic coin, which displays on the obverse the guitar-playing image of California Blat, the mysterious doppelganger who either ultimately salvaged or threw the campaign, depending on whose analysis you subscribe to.

Remember, this is a limited and numbered edition of five commemorative coins, available only in three easy installments of $24.95 plus shipping and handling. Don't miss your opportunity to own a piece of wingnut history!

Best of all, after processing and production costs are covered, the balance of your purchase price will go to finance the anticipated Ralph/Blat 2012 candidacy! With the grueling experience of campaign 2008 under their belts, our candidates are more than ready to take to the 2012 field with determination, inflamed rhetoric, bumping doughnuts and much, much more. This is your chance to both support the future and mark the past.

Operators are waiting for your call at 1-800-GO-RALPH, or order online through our really, really super-secure online ordering system at www.ralphiestheone.info.china.pl/scam.

Act now to avoid disappointment: this limited edition commemorative coin set is sure to sell out quickly!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

The Ministry Continues: or, Artichokes in the Khyber Pass

2008-12-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

This is further to the report of my partner RalphyFan on the efforts to retire RALPH’s 2008 campaign debt, while maintaining and building upon his current Ministry. In addition to his ongoing Windshield activities, and the sale of Ralphie Action Figures, it appears that the once (and possibly future?) candidate is offering his dramatizations of The Morning After to network television.

The indefatigable Campaign Bloggers have managed to retrieve the following proposed script from a wastebasket at the Disney Channel headquarters. Perhaps, however, another network has accepted it and will run it in the new year:

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Scene: a cave somewhere in the Tribal Areas of Pakistan. Furnished with a table and some rickety chairs, a worn carpet and a state-of-the-art computer with Web cam. OSAMA BIN LADEN is seated in one of the chairs, nervously braiding and unbraiding his beard, while one of his lieutenants (let’s call him AKBAR) paces the floor restlessly. Sound of a cold wind blowing.
BIN LADEN: Oh I hate being stuck up here in winter! I wish spring would come so we could swoop down upon the lowlands like an eagle upon its prey!
AKBAR: Spring will come eventually, inshallah. At least it has always come before this.
(More sounds of wind.)
BIN LADEN: It is so lonely up here. No one ever comes to visit me. I sit by myself, alone with my thoughts, day after day after bitter day. Do you know what I’d like, most in all the world, Akbar?
AKBAR: Universal jihad, and an Islamic state throughout the world?
BIN LADEN: That too. But right now, what I’d really like is a pizza. I have not tasted pizza since I was a university student in Jiddah. Is it a sign of my old age, that I should crave a decadent Western dish?
Honking of horns.
VOICE OF PIAPS (outside): Did somebody mention pizza?
BIN LADEN (rises, his face lighting up): Is that who I think it is?
PIAPS: It is indeed! (She enters, carrying two large flat cardboard boxes, followed by a figure in a black burqa.) And I have brought not one pizza but two! This is a Classic Combo, but with all-beef pepperoni. And this one is a gourmet variety: goat cheese, artichokes and ground chicken.
BIN LADEN (deeply moved): You brought these all the way up here for me?
PIAPS: A little token of my continued regard, Sam. I’m on my first official visit to the Middle East but Taryn and I (the burqa bows deeply) managed to evade our escort so that I could visit you. I came to let you know that even though I am now Secretary of State, I never forget who my real friends are - or (chuckles evilly) what my real purpose is.
BIN LADEN: I am delighted that you have not forgotten your real purpose. In your new position you must be more circumspect than ever - but of course you know that. It is just as well that no one in America knows your real purpose.
PIAPS: Actually, there is one person in America who knows. In fact, he’s written a very perceptive little masterwork on the subject, and posts it on a blog in installments.
BIN LADEN: The dog! The pig! The vile piece of sewer slime! Give me his name and I will have him boiled in oil!
PIAPS: No need for that. No one in America believes him. They all think he’s a nutcase. We can deal with him at our leisure. Now I must go; but remember, I am still your friend under the surface.
BIN LADEN: I am deeply grateful - for the pizza and particularly for your reassurance.

(Scene change: a Jeep parked outside a cave in the mountains, ringed around by Afghan guards with machine guns. PIAPS and TARYN emerge from the cave mouth and get into the car.)
TARYN: Whew! Now at last I can get out of this damn burqa! (She tears it off and throws it under her feet, revealing that she is clad in Speedo briefs and Doc Martens, and nothing else except tattoos. The driver looks back at her, hastily averts his eyes and swerves the vehicle swiftly before it can plummet over the edge of a cliff.)
PIAPS: Now, it’s on to Israel to meet with Tzipi Livni. Mmm, she looks like really hot stuff. Book me some time at the Ein Gedi Spa for her and me, there’s a dear. Make sure to schedule a nice leisurely therapeutic bath in Dead Sea mud. No, don’t look so miserable, dear. You’re quite welcome to join us. The more the merrier! Ah, the whole world is mine! I love this job already! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

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We will let you know if any channel picks this up. In the meantime, help our candidate this Christmas, and order Ralphie Action Figures for your family, friends, co-workers, local radio talk show staff... for everyone!

Own a Piece of RALPH History!

2008-12-09T00:53:00.000-08:00

With the heated Troll Party recount in American Samoa at last drawing to a close - and showing a decided preference for "A Small Ball of String" over the Ralph/Blat 2008 ticket - the campaign has finally conceded defeat in its Presidential hopes this election cycle. As the candidates console themselves with a massive binge on doughnuts and Mountain Dew, however, dedicated staffers are doing their best to retire the massive campaign debt amassed for cheap automobile rentals, emergency-overall-mending, hired security to protect the candidates from enraged liberal mobs armed with marshmallow popguns, and of course Konservo's expansive wardrobe (which, unlike Sarah Palin, he has indicated he has no intention whatsoever of giving back).

A key element in the strategy to reduce the Ralph/Blat 2008 debt is the campaign's push to make their exclusive Ralphie Action Figure the wingnut child's toy of choice this holiday season. The campaign released these key selling points to industry distributors as part of their pitch:

The RALPHIE Action Figure is sure to top every boy's and girl's Santa list this year. An authentic likeness of the notorious Presidential candidate and Americaphile Minister, RALPHIE is a dream come true for your little future College Republican! Check out these exciting features:

* He talks! RALPHIE delivers a selection from his ten favorite catchphrases with every pull of the string. His repertoire includes:

"BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"IMPLEMENT THE BEAUTIFUL COULTER PLAN FOR MIDDLE EAST STABILITY!!!!"

"SET THE CAPTIVES FREEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"THE CULTURE WAR IS SO FUCKING ON!!!!"

"PLEASE CALL THE AMERICAPHILE MINISTRIES COUNSELING LINE FOR PRAYER AND WISE COUNSEL!!!!!"

"KEEP AMERICA AND ULSTÈR FREE FROM FENIANISM, DESPOTISM, FIANNA FAIL, ALCOHOLISM, SUPERSTITION, THE AOH, BIGOTRY, IDOLATRY, THE WOLFE TONES, IGNORANCE, GURU MAGGOTS, PATTERNS, GLUE-SNIFFING, ENYA (NEW AGE), INCEST, THE INQUISTION, BUCKFAST, JESUITS, DOMESTIC ABUSE, TERRORISM AND THE MASS!!!!!"

"THEY CAN'T EVEN THINK!!!!"

* The RALPHIE Action Figure comes with our exclusive Ralphie-Sprinkle'otron Action for authentic doughnut-bumping. Add some Play-Doh from your existing Fuzzy Pumper playset for even more exciting bumping action - just wind him up and watch him go!

* Keep the RALPHIE fun going with accessories like the Tinfoil Hat action set and, for the ultimate in RALPHIE playtime, the exciting "The Morning After" White House. At one moment it's the staid, formal Lincoln Bedroom, then click! - it's ready for all the fun RALPHIE hijinks you love. Add on Taryn's Womyn's Sweatlodge for even more exciting playtime options! (Your sister's Barbies will never be the same again!)

* For a limited time only, past donors to the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign can have their RALPHIE Action Figure signed by the candidate himself, for only an additional $89.95, plus the cost of the Action Figure ($29.95), plus shipping and handling ($12.95), plus liability insurance ($124.95) to hold the campaign and the RALPHIE Action Figure manufacturer harmless from all damages, including emotional distress on the part of the recipient of this unique, collectible toy.

* Order now! You won't want to miss your opportunity to own an exciting piece of history like this one!

Campaign staffers declined to offer any data on RALPHIE Action Figure sales to date, but they did say that business from Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia had been particularly brisk, and they hinted that a limited edition pair of Konservo/Sarah Palin dolls might be produced in future, designed for a shared designer wardrobe.

The RALPHIE Action Figure can be ordered direct at 1-800-BUMP-NUT.

A Campaign Game-Changer?

2008-09-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

Enthusiasm has been lacking in the Troll Party ranks ever since the tepid public response to the “Derision 2008” Town Hall session earlier this year. RALPH’s predictions regarding an imminent RAPTURE have thus far failed to materialize; California Blat’s musical populist whereabouts remain a mystery; Campaign Blat’s stolen van has disappeared again after one brief sighting “down by the river”; and Lephari, that mythic wanderer, continues to ricochet from NYPD precinct to precinct in search of a willing ear to receive his prophetic warnings of subway terror and chaos.

But in these days of “lipstick on a pig” and foreign policy by proximity, one erstwhile Troll Party candidate has seized the moment - and at least a fraction of the national imagination - by calling for a radical shake-up in the ticket of one major party.

Konservo, once among the front-runners to share the Troll Party ticket with RALPH, last night held a hasty press conference at the Polo Club in Hartford, Connecticut’s South End, where he is establishing a rapid response center in anticipation of the forthcoming Newshounds Off-Topic Convention later this month. The candidate – stunning in a lime-green halter-top gown with matching shawl, his latest wig styled in a fetching schoolmarm up-do punctuated with a large rhinestone flag pin – opened with the following prepared remarks:

(accepting a jello shot from popular Club entertainer “Marita Bonita”)

Good evening, my dear friends! It’s simply marvelous to see such an excited turnout here tonight! I’m sure it’s all because of me and not the two-for-one appetizers or the Midori martinis. ANYWAY, just in a moment of seriousness, I’ve called you all here tonight because I sincerely believe that we, U.S. Americans, such as, must seize this critical moment in our history to make a choice that will forever alter the face of this nation and the level of respect and dignity in which we are held around the globe.

Now, we’ve all seen how shamefully the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, has been treated by the corporate media. The disrespect of expecting someone in that position to understand the Bush Doctrine, the unmitigated gall of asking what qualifications living in a state near Russia confer on one’s foreign policy chops, and above all the absolute snub of Charlie Gibson's failure to open the nominee’s first one-on-one interview with the traditional exclamation “Darling, what are you wearing? – you look simply divine!”

Well, I say it’s time to put a stop to this rank brutality. No moose-hunter should have to endure such relentless grilling by the wolfpack media – not even from a low-flying plane.

I would like to offer the Republican ticket a graceful way out of this dilemma.

Senator McCain….pick me! Ooh, please, pretty pretty please, pick ME!!

A pit bull with lipstick? Honey, that’s a look I invented. Global expertise? Can anyone forget my heroic efforts to rescue RALPH from the Royal Ottawa Hospital in godless, socialistic Canada earlier in this campaign? Talking about energy? Well, anyone who has seen my cabaret act knows that I put out enough juice to singlehandedly power any small rural town on the tundra you care to name. And forget about earmarks – any ticket involving Konservo will be heavy on the earrings.

You want reform? Well, just imagine the kind of change I could bring to the GOP ticket. A little fashion reform, for a start! Did you see what Cindy was wearing on the first non-night of the convention in dear old Minneapolis/St. Paul, home of my favorite airport restroom? Hel-LO, Rhinestone Cowgirl, if you’re going to shell out that much on a dress then for heaven’s sake go for a look that doesn’t scream Flash Gordon Bimbo! No, a Konservo-influenced administration will bring in some fresh talent, Project Runway-style, to garb the Cabinet. I’m thinking Christian Siriano for domestic policy, and for foreign policy something more restrained and structured, maybe a little Rami Kashou. With a few special outfits from that crazy woman who spit-marks her patterns, just to keep things interesting, for the U.N. Ambassador…who will after all have to stand up to Paris couture and international scrutiny. You can't go up against Chanel unprepared and unvetted.

It solves so many problems, Senator McCain. Your trophy veep from Alaska won’t have to continue to undergo the third degree from the Fourth Estate. You’ll still have someone absolutely gorgeous to ogle on the campaign trail (nudge-nudge, wink-wink). I’m supremely confident I can deliver the Log Cabin Republican vote for you, even if I have to persuade them voter by voter (nudge-nudge, wink-wink, again). And after what I’ve already been through in this campaign, I’m absolutely fearless – no media pundit, no opposition candidate, no Sausage-Haus proprietor is too daunting for me to take on!

So, I implore you, Senator. Consider my proposal. And let’s really make history…together.

And now, my friends, before I take some questions from these very uncomfortable-looking reporters, I would like to conclude my remarks with a little song! Maestro?

With this, Konservo grabbed a proffered microphone from Club entertainer “Ms. Phil” and regaled the audience with his own version of “I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General”:

I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President
Embody all that’s evil, yet I cover it with sentiment.
I know the world’s heads of state from Gordon Brown to Medvedev
With many a histor’cal nod to Stalin, Blair and Gorbachev.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with taxes and th’ economy;
The first, I never pay them, and the second doesn’t bother me.
These people losing jobs and homes, I just tune out their hollers…
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!

(at this point the Polo Club chorus stepped in)
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollarlollars!

I'm very good at marking ears and lining lobbyists’ pockets,
And stonewalling subpoenas that would put my staff in dockets.
In short, when it involves a Unitary Executive precedent,
I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President!

Konservo then seated himself on the Polo Club’s massive bar, showing a tempting quantity of leg as “Marita” poured him a generous margarita, and settled in to take reporters’ questions. A detailed transcript of the explosive Q&A will follow this breaking news report in due course.

ARMAGEDDON: SIX DAYS AND COUNTING

2008-08-22T14:06:00.001-07:00

Is the date for the Rapture set? RALPH appears to think so.

It appears that the heavily favored Troll Party candidate for President lost interest in the campaign after Senator Clinton was defeated in the primaries. He abruptly deserted his "Morning After" road show, leaving his partner, the Reverend Thomas P. Zacharias of Bedlam Junction, Pennsylvania, to pay the hotel bills. Taking no further part in the campaign, he withdrew to his fortified retreat in the mountains of Montana and started obsessing about the Irish.

Now, however, it seems that Senator Clinton’s intention to play a role in next week’s Democratic convention has revived his fervor for the End of Days.

"In RALPH’s theology, Clinton’s presence is essential for the Rapture to take place," says the noted RALPHologist, Canon Simeon Infarct-Smith of the Church of St.-Michael’s-Up-the-Creek in Rumball, New Jersey. "Therefore, when she apparently ceased to be a political player, the thought of at least four more un-Raptured years threw RALPH into despair. Now, the prospect of her presidency has raised his hopes."

He puts it this way in his latest blog entry:

IF THE RAPTURE OCCURS BEFORE THURSDAY, AUGUST 28TH, THE NEWLY-RAPTURE-READY SENATOR OBAMA WILL BE RAPTURED ALONG WITH SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN AND AMERICAS GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH AND VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY LEAVING PIAPS TO RUN UNOPPOSED IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!!

BY DEFAULT, NANCY PELOSI WOULD BECOME "PRESIDENT" UNTIL PIAPS WINS UNOPPOSED IN NOVEMBER TO BE SWORN-IN ON JANUARY 19, 2009, TO START THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE MORNING AFTER!!!!

He does qualify the predictions by saying, STILL MUCH IS SPECULATIVE AT THIS POINT!!!!!! However, sources close to the Candidate claim he doesn’t believe his own qualifier. "He’s getting ready for the Rapture," said Sonny White. "He really thinks it’s coming next Thursday."

But Moment-Man Jesse Earl Pickin, spokesman for arch-rival California Blat, says, "There ain’t no Army-Geddin comin’ on Thursday. That’s a pile o’ crap. He ain’t gonna git outta the campaign that easy."

We’ll be counting down the days...

RALPH’s Vision for Border Control Catches Fire (Literally)

2008-05-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

With the Democratic Party’s nomination battle between Senators Clinton and Obama headed into overtime, scant attention has been focused on the RALPH campaign since the Troll Party Town Hall earlier this spring. Does that mean the candidate has been idle, coasting lazily into an all-but-certain nomination on a string of dull speeches punctuated with a laconic and insincere “my friends” every half-dozen words or so? No, indeed – in his trademark style, RALPH has blazed forward, taking his message of radical foreign policy and border control overhaul to convenience store after convenience store throughout the sparsely-populated regions of the Upper Midwest, straight to the heart of his dedicated (if deeply and fundamentally confused) constituency.

RALPH’s most recent stump speech at the Shop-n-Save Laundromat & Deli adjoining the Sinclair station in Ottertail, Minnesota outlined his “TEN ESSENTIALS FOR ESTABLISHING AMERICA’S RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD.” He delivered this barn-burner of a speech from the artfully-staged bed of a flatbed pickup truck as Sonny White, Sonny Green and Sonny Black sat on the bumper whittling themselves new sets of teeth (knotty pine) while Campaign Blat, stoned on vitamins, sulked in the van.

“COULTER PLAN! COULTER PLAN!” shouted RALPH repeatedly.

Ida Rose Svensdottir, sorting her lights from her darks as the speech began, shrugged. “I don’t give a fig for what he says he’ll do about horses,” she commented to a fellow laundromat patron (apparently mis-hearing his reference as to a “colt-er” plan). “He just better not get any of that muck from that truck on my linens. Also, I’m much more interested in his economic stimulus package. I could barely pay to drive here to do my laundry after the kickback check from the current administration.”

As RALPH moved on to his plans for defensive barriers at both the southern and northern borders of the United States, his message fell on more enthusiastic ears in the form of Lars Svensson, a long-time resident of Ottertail who is a regular at the Tuesday foot-long-sub-combo-special at the Deli. “I completely get what he’s saying about the Doberman patrols along the Canadian border. Might stop them lining up on the other side most weekends, brandishing hockey sticks and taunting us about weak beer. The alligators on the Mexican border, well, I don’t know if that makes a whole lotta sense given the risk of poachers trying to shoot them for a new pair of boots. But I leave that to the experts.” Although not in a position to donate financially to the RALPH campaign, Lars did offer to share the Fritos from his combo with the campaign team, even as the campaign displayed the composite image shown above, outlining their border plan.

But the rally really kicked into high gear as RALPH prepared to address his grievances regarding Ulster and the Vatican. Not because of RALPH’s often inflammatory rhetoric, but thanks to a sudden

`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•..•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`
------ E X P L O S I O N ------
.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”``”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•. ”*°•.

in the bank of tumble dryers at the Shop-n-Save.

Ida Rose emerged through a cloud of smoke, screaming for assistance. “The third Speed Queen down just blew completely up! Somebody call the fire department!”

Lars, sniffing the air experimentally, commented that the combination of flame and the chemicals in a box of Bounce would result in a toxic cloud that could make Three Mile Island look like a picnic, and advised bystanders to clear the area in an orderly manner.

RALPH reacted to the incident with the cool, calm leadership qualities we all look for in a Chief Executive.

He leapt down from the flatbed screaming:

“PIAPS!!!! IT’S PIAPS!!!!!!

QUICK, SOMEBODY FIND OUT HOW FAR WE ARE FROM HER NEAREST CAMPAIGN OFFICE!!!!!!!
SET THE CAPTIVES FR…..”

and at this point he disappeared underneath the flatbed, crawling rapidly on hands and knees away from the conflagration.

The three Sonny Brothers placidly continued to whittle, Sonny Black occasionally distance-spitting in an apparent attempt to reach the newspaper vending machine bolted to the concrete outside the now flaming Shop-n-Save.

But before a panicked Ida Rose could reach the highway-side phone booth to call 9-1-1, an unexpected figure pulled into the Sinclair station with unmistakable flair and a circular skid that would have done any Hollywood stuntman proud.

Yes, it was California Blat himself who emerged from the cab of his red-white-and-blue pickup (to which not a grain of dust adhered), his guitar slung across his back and his legendary baseball cap covering his rapidly balding pate. Swinging his instrument easily into place (settle down, now, gentle reader; that’s not the instrument I meant!) he strummed an opening chord and sang:

I didn’t start the fire,
But now that it’s burning
Time I was returning;
I didn’t start the fire,
No, I didn’t light it,
But I’m here to fight it!

And with that musical pronouncement, California Blat swept his baseball cap off and beat back the flames with it, leaving snowdrop petals wherever it landed and ensuring that Ida Rose’s precious percale sheets not only retained their luxurious hand in the wake of the disaster, but were also perfectly pressed and folded. One final, triumphant chord resulted in the entire Shop-n-Save gleaming with a new coat of paint, a repaired Slurpee machine, and the welcome disappearance of Starburst Fruit Chews from the snack aisle.

The Sonnys leapt to their feet in applause, Ida Rose hugged California Blat while cuddling her pillowcases, and Lars acknowledged grudging admiration, allowing as how maybe he could vote for a guy who would singlehandedly fight deli/laundromat fires so courageously, alligators or no alligators...though he would have to weigh heavily such a candidate’s stand on Dobermans.

RALPH could be heard to quietly bleat from beneath the flatbed: “CHANGING LIVES! ON THE MARCH!! YES!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!”

California Blat took a step nearer and strummed a threatening D-Minor chord, and RALPH subsided.

Vaulting back into the cab of his pickup, California Blat sang his farewell:

Well, since that RALPHIE’s speeches
Ain’t so much to recall,
I hope that you all will vote for me
At election time this fall…
Coz I am a hero, baby,
A great big hero,
And RALPH is a zero, yes he is.

On that note – literally – California Blat was off as he had come, wheeling into the distance with theatrical flair.

By the time RALPH had emerged from under the flatbed, peering cautiously from side to side in fear of PIAPS’ minions, Ida Rose had long since returned home with her lemon-fresh laundry, Lars had consumed his combo and departed for parts unknown, the Sonny Brothers were asleep on the flatbed – one of them mumbling/humming “I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee” while deep in REM – and Campaign Blat appeared to have taken the van and left them stranded overnight.

As this reporter left the scene, RALPH was doggedly placing printouts from “The Morning After” under windshields of the vehicles parked near the Shop-n-Save…apparently oblivious to the fact that the area adjacent to the Sinclair Station/Shop-n-Save – littered with vehicles – was, in fact, an automotive salvage yard.

LATE UPDATE: RALPH’s campaign had no comment on the charges of trespassing and vandalism filed today by Joe’s Auto Salvage of Ottertail, MN.

Lephari on the Warpath

2008-05-01T15:19:00.001-07:00

We have finally managed to trace the wherabouts of RALPH's fantastical clone, Prophet Lephari, last seen as the unappreciative guest of the Newshounds of the Caribbean.

As usual, his adventures are of epic proportions. Read on...

(Invocation:)

Of mad Lephari’s frenzied wanderings
Sing, glorious Muse; inspire my feeble pen
With fantasies bizarre and marvellous!

(The narrative commenceth...)

Across the broad Atlantic sails a ship,
Bearing the Jolly Roger on its mast.
It is the "Snakeskin Bentley", and its crew,
The famous Newshounds of the Caribbean!
Upon the deck a mound of treasure gleams,
The plunder of their celebrated prize,
The cruise ship of the National Review.
The culinary plunder - surf and turf,
Sweet petit-fours and wines extraordinaire -
Are being shared among the pirate crew;
And special brownies, from the oven hot,
Are served about by beaming PbDs.
The pirates, in high glee, do laugh and sing:

"Oh pass the bottles round!

To Hartford we are bound!

To party on

At the Newshound Con

Till we pass out on the ground!”

Silent upon the deck Lephari stands,
Aloof from all the glee and merriment.
Leaning upon the plunder, moodily
He stares out at the emptiness of sea.
“Come, have a brownie!” urges Jolly Nell.
He picks one up and downs it wordlessly.

All of a sudden, from his pallid lips
There comes a shriek that echoes ‘cross the sea:
“ALAS!!! A SUDDEN VISION COMES UPON ME!!!
AND HIDEOUS THE HORRORS I BEHOLD!!!
FOR DEEP BENEATH THE TOWERS OF NEW YORK
A VILE CONSPIRACY IS BEING HATCHED!!!
THERE, HIDDEN IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH,
CONSORT THE LIBYANS AND THE FENIANS
AND ALL THE LEGIONS OF THE CHURCH OF ROME,
ALL BOWING SLAVISHLY BEFORE THE FEET
OF HER WHOSE NAME IS VOMIT ON MY TONGUE -
THE LOATHSOME PIAPS, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SKANK!!!
HELP!!! NEW YORK CITY MUST BE WARNED AT ONCE -
I PRITHEE TAKE ME THERE - NO TIME TO LOSE!!!

The pirates laugh. “No fornicating way!
We’re bound for Hartford; we’ll no detours make!”
Lephari screams and raves - to no avail -
In fury snatches from the pile of loot
A silver coffee creamer; squeezes it
While mumbling: “Libtard PIAPS-loving scum!
I wish I were in New York City now,
To save its people!”

Lo! With rush of wind

The Bentley disappears! Before him now
The towers of Manhattan shine aloft
While all about him traffic honks and roars.
“Best get onto the sidewalk, friend,” a voice
Beside him says, in drawling Texan tones.
And lo! Behold! A wispy figure clad
In suit and tie, with gleaming toothy smile,
Hovers like cobweb at the creamer’s mouth.
“Praise to the Lord! Your wish is my command!”
Lephari stares astounded; then he asks, “
WHY, WHO ARE YOU? THE GENIE OF THE CREAMER?”
“I am no heathen genie!” snaps the wraith.
“I am a Christian, minion of the Lord;
Because you’re a believer, He has sent
Me to your aid, to grant you Wishes Three.
You’ve taken one already; I’m empow’rd
To grant two more.”

“THE LORD IS ON MY SIDE!!!”

Lephari chortles. “I WILL GO AT ONCE

TO WARN NYPD OF PIAPS’ PLOT,

AND WITH THEIR CHIEF DEVISE GREAT STRATEGIES

OF RESCUE!!! TREMBLE, SKANKY PIAPS VILE!!!

THE CULTURE WAR IS ON!!!!”

(...to be continued)

RALPH Blasts McCain Campaign Over "Donut Moment," Claims Clinton Complicit!

2008-04-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

Off the beaten path but still on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, RALPH today issued a blistering statement against presumptive Republican candidate John McCain. Speaking from the hood of a 1999 Pontiac Bonneville at Woy Brothers auto dealership in Somerset, the Troll Party frontrunner accused McCain of conspiring with Democratic rival Senator Hillary Clinton in what one onlooker describes as a "heckuva weird speaking style."

The source of RALPH's ire? It was reported today that, following the candidate's remarks at the annual meeting of the Associated Press, the moderator presented him with his "favorite treat"...half a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. With sprinkles.

"McCAIN HAS SUCCUMBED TO THE LURE OF P.I.A.P.S. AND HER DONUTS OF DOOM!" thundered RALPH. "SHE HAS TURNED THE ASSOCIATED PRESS MODERATOR INTO A PUSHER, HOOKING McCAIN ON HER SUGARY PERVERSITY! BEWARE THE SPRINKLES, SENATOR, OR YOU RISK MISSING THE RAPTURE AND SPENDING ALL OF ETERNITY WITH P.I.A.P.S.!!!! BWAHHHHHH!"

RALPH was unable to take questions from the audience, due to the rapid approach of Used Car Manager Sam Bandanna, heard to yell "Get the $%*# off that %#$(%ing car NOW, you *@%# lunatic! That's this week's Featured Vehicle!" RALPH's response was to slide down the Sand Beige hood and sprint for the road and his waiting van.

"SAVE YOURSELVES!" he screeched as campaign staffer Sonny Black peeled out into traffic on Highway 985 North. "DON'T VOTE FOR THAT SKANKY DONUT-PUSHER!! REMEMBER...WITHOUT PA THERE IS NO P.I.A.P.S.!!!!"

Befuddled locals pondered this statement, wondering whether RALPH meant the result would then be PIS, IPS, SIP, ISP, or PSI. The impromptu caucus then dispersed as Sam desperately tried to interest any of them in a black 1997 Grand Am.

In other Troll Party news, California Blat spent the weekend participating in a bowl-a-thon at Idle Hour Bowling Lanes (motto, "? Family Fun Center ?") in Scranton, earning $53.75 in charity pledges - matched penny for penny by his baseball cap - for his superhuman ability to convert 7-10 splits. Konservo danced the night away at Woody's Bar in Philly, vowing over his sixth $3 frozen margarita to be back this evening for karaoke night. And one unconfirmed report placed Campaign Blat picketing GNC headquarters in Pittsburgh and attempting to sign up employees going off-shift as Eniva affiliates.

Town Hall Lives On in Cyberspace

2008-04-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen of Trollsylvania; residents of Freeperville; envoys from the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy; and anyone else who happens to have stumbled across tonight's festivities - the lights are dimming in Yantis, Texas (a former finalist for "Most Redneck Town In America"). The prospective candidates have all stumbled toward their campaign convoys, the pundits have begun their evaluations, and volunteers are cleaning up the detritus of the debate-closing ceremonial donut-drop.

But that doesn't mean the Town Hall is over! By no means. The candidates and representatives of their campaigns have pledged to continue monitoring your further questions and to respond to them as they arise. Think of it as the 7-Eleven of campaign debates: we never close!

In the coming days you'll see in this space insightful or at least space-filling reports from journalists on this debate - who were the winners, the losers, and Miss Congeniality. Audio and video coverage is also anticipated, to memorialize for all time the highlights and lowlights of this landmark event.

So, thanks to the providers of our debate venue, to our readers for their questions and issues, and to California Blat, Konservo and RALPH for their participation this evening. From the Troll Party Town Hall, I'm your host, RalphyFan. Good night: vote early, vote often.

More Policy from California Blat

2008-04-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I have a few more questions to answer and I want to knock Konservo off the top of this blog...

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?
Oh, definitely a business opportunity. And don’t think Al Gore doesn’t know it. Let me tell you something: I was talking to this entrepenoor from Minneapolis, about growing bananas in Minnesota - and what do you think he told me? He said he’d already signed a deal with Al Gore! Man talks out of both sides of his mouth. He needs some vitamins to get him thinking straight.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?
The nameless scumbag who invented Lite Rock. Back when I was working in an office, that's all I'd hear - the same three songs over and over again on the same evil radio station. I will ABOLISH that radio station as soon as I become President and I will tear the country apart to find whoever owns it. Do you know how much TORMENT that person’s inflicted on the ears of society? I'll throw him into a soundproof prison and make him listen to those three songs over and over for the rest of his miserable life.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?
No, it won’t be a priority. I think it’s more of a priority for me to have a new Turkmen hat. Though I’d be happy to take on the Newshounds of the Caribbean in some other way. A Sumo wrestling tournament maybe?

• What about the impending RAPTURE?
As I mentioned before, I don’t believe it’s impending. I was told so by two unimpeachable sources - Elvis, and this pterodactyl I met last summer while I was climbing the letter Y in "HOLLYWOOD". They both said the RAPTURE was a lie invented to sell more donuts. I believe them.

Konservo BUMPS To The Front

2008-04-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

TADAAADAAAADAAAAA - take that, RALPH!

Just kidding, darlings. But it is time to share a little more of my thinking on the important issues facing us, now that the children are keeping one another amused.

• Who will you invite to perform at your inauguration party?

Well, I would want to give a shout-out and a nice, lucrative gig to my band from the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa. Might as well start out on a good foot with our neighbors to the north. I could even sit in on a special inaugural number, assuming we can get the June Tailor Dancers. Then, a combination Barbara Streisand/Elton John performance would really get up the other candidates’ noses. Sweeet.

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?

I couldn’t care less about Al Gore. He’s a has-been if you ask me. And he’s inconvenient, too. As for this climate-change stuff, so long as I have my AC I’m not bothered if we end up with a few more days of sun in the Bahamas. In fact, if we’re going to war, why not invade THEM? At least it would be someplace US Americans, such as, with maps, would want to go.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?

Oh, definitely Donald Trump. Not only has he foisted lousy, egocentric television on us all for season after season, you just want to rip out that idiotic combover and tell his latest golddigger wife to keep the “girls” in their corral a little more discreetly. He’s a boil on the collective backside of America in more ways than one. I will actively pursue his participation on What Not To Wear in penance for his crimes against humanity. For six successive weeks.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?

I've already made my position on Al Gore just crystal clear. But, no, I don’t think I can be bothered with that. I’ve always been secretly drawn to the whole “pirate” vibe – cutlasses, high boots, bodice-ripping. Besides, doesn’t that SAMPO stuff depend on Blat’s baseball cap? I wouldn’t touch that thing with a hazmat suit. Seriously. You don’t know where he’s been.

• Your opinion on magic underwear and feathers? Is it cheating? And, if you do use magic underwear…boxers, briefs or thongs?

Honey, come on. ALL underwear is magic. It’s when it comes off that the real fun begins.

• What about the impending RAPTURE?

What about it? Like I said, it means different things to different people. And I’m as different as they come. Aren’t you?

• And above all, what are your plans for those bad-ass Newshounds?

Even liberals obsessed with me aren’t beyond redemption and a little nookie. I’d invite them all to the Oval Office for a tiddlywinks tournament, a polka-fest, some mini-quiches and champagne, and then skinny-dipping in the White House pool. After an evening with me, politics will be the LAST thing on all your minds, darlings.

RAPTURE-READY RIGHTEOUS RALPH ENTERS THE FRAY!!

2008-04-01T18:16:00.001-07:00

*fade in*

Commentator: “Welcome America to the Troll Party Primary Debate! Tonight looks to be an historic moment, as we discuss the platforms, strategies, and insanity of our three remaining Troll Party™ candidates. We’ve already heard from Candidates California Blat and Konservo, up next is the self proclaimed ‘America’s Greatest President in Waiting’ and the Prophet of Lephari, RALPH!”

*camera shot changes*

Ralph: “BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHHAA!!!!!! *mumbles incoherently*”

“LIBTARDS! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE MOUNTAINS!!! I HAVE OOZED FROM THE SWAMPS!! I HAVE SIFTED FROM THE DESERTS! I BRING A MESSAGE OF RAPTURE FOR YOU!!!!”

*rumble of applause*

“YOU DECRIED AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND TURNED FROM THE FAITH! STARSHIP JAYZUS APPROACHES (August 27th ™) AND YOU STIL DO NOT HATE!!!! YOU DON’T HATE ISLAMOFASCISTS! YOU DON’T HATE THE EVIL PIAPS!!! YOU DON’T HATE HER BUMPITY DONUTS!!!”

*shocked silence*

“EVIL JELLY-FILLED, GLAZE COVERED ABOMINATIONS! ANAL INVADING CREAM OOZING SUCCUBI!!!!”

*stunned looks*

“YOU ARE FILLED WITH TROOP-HATE, AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT HATE, IRAQ WAR HATE, PENIS-HATE, MONKEY-HATE!!”

*beginning epiphany*

“IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK YOUR RECTUMS FROM THE DEVILS THE LIKES OF CALIFORNIA BLAT, KONSERVO AND PIAPS!!!! BE OF GOOD CHEER, FOR I, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT IN WAITING ™, AM HERE!!!!!”

*standing ovation*

Commentator: “Yes, herm. The floor is open for questions to the candidate.”

Are the Candidates RAPTURE READY?

2008-04-01T17:50:00.001-07:00

Crement Boffo asked the Candidates:

Is each of you RAPTURE READY ? If you are, who will serve your term of office in your absence ?

California Blat answers:

I hate to tell you this but I don’t believe in the RAPTURE. That’s Ralph’s shtick.

There’s a RALPHY who’s sure
That he’s bound for rapture.
And he’s buying a stairway to heaven.
But he’s wrong as can be
And before long he’ll see
That he’s stuck here forever with PIAPS.
Oooooh
And it makes me wonder.

Experience the Rapture here on this earth!

P.S. But if I do get Raptured - mind, I say if - then who else to take my place but Elvis? Yeah, I know you think he's dead; but we all know he's really managing a gas station in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, by the banks of the Mississippi.

Konservo's Kampaign Komments

2008-04-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

The candidate speaks:

Welcome, you lovely people! Sorry I'm a little bit late. Andre was just showing me this lovely silk charmeuse number that I think will be perfect for the Inaugural Ball.

I'll just jump right in and answer some of the questions that have been posed to me by fans at Newshounds OT:

• What about that RALPH’s hairstyle?

Well, I think it works for him. It’s been like that since he stuck one finger in a live electrical socket and the other into the ice cube maker on his fridge. One of his defining moments. He SAW THE LIGHT! {{{giggles}}}

• Come to that, what’s with YOUR hair, dude?

Isn’t it fabulous? You’re going to be seeing a lot of this look in the general election. Konservo is the new “cool.” McCain is SO jealous!

• Look, you haven’t been very consistent. First you’re RALPH’s hanger-on, then you’re cross-dressing in Ottawa clubs, and then you’re back on the campaign trail in opposition. How can we TRUST in what a Konservo Presidency would bring?

Not consistent?! I’ve been perfectly consistent with what the voices in my head are telling me. And lately they’ve been saying that RALPH will be a disaster as President. His Rapture-talk used to inspire me until I figured out he was talking about right-wing religion instead of orgies. What will happen to his brilliant fictional vision if he actually wins the contest? Instead of all that delicious stuff going down in the Lincoln Bedroom, he’ll be in there for real with a bunch of balding, paunchy preachers, trying to see who can yell the loudest! You can TRUST me on that. I’ll be a hell of a lot more fun. The table dancing has only just begun.

• If you become President, how will you decorate the White House?

I’d like to bring a retro/Bohemian vibe to the place. Inflatables and beanbag chairs for Cabinet meetings and maybe some hammocks on the North Portico for visiting dignitaries. Beaded curtains and black light. Lava lamps. Yeah, that would be groovy.

• Are the rumours about your virginity true?

What have you heard, sweetheart? No, but, seriously. If you want someone – ahem! – “experienced,” I’m your choice. There’s no scandal I haven’t already participated in and put behind me. It would be hard to pin anything on MY tail! And don’t think it hasn't been tried...

Fire away, you beautiful people! I'll be back just as soon as I've freshened up a little...

An Opening Statement from California Blat

2008-04-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Oh they call me Blat
Come from Californ’
I’m gonna be President
Just as sure as you’re born
So you give me your vote
Leave old Ralphy alone
I’m the one you need
‘Cause I’m BLAT to the bone
I’m BLAT to the bone
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT...

And now I'll answer some questions that a certain ET asked me particularly:

Pantsuits – fabulous, or manifest evil? Pick a side: we’re at war.

You’re at war; I love the world.

But seriously: better a woman in a pantsuit than a man in a dress.

I’m not the world’s most puritan bloke,
But when I see him prancing I just want to choke
That Konservo
Ko-ko-ko-Konservo

Ko-ko-ko-Konservo....

What role do you, as California Blat, foresee for your demoralized twin Campaign Blat in a Ralph/Blat White House?

There won’t be a Ralph/Blat White House.

But as for Campaign Blat, I sincerely pity him. It’s not his fault that I got all the magic as well as the brains and talent, during that whatever-it-was in Smallville. And RALPH has destroyed what little brain he had left. I would go talk to him and show him the love and tenderness that poor lost soul deserves - except I don’t want his negativity to rub off on me.

What about the Iraq "surge? Are payments to insurgents professionalism and "good business?

Depends what you’re paying them for. I will pay insurgents only if:
- they make good kebabs
- they’ll teach me how to sing "Heartbreak Hotel" in Arabic
- they’ll teach my Rottweilers how to belly dance
- they actually hit me when they shoot at me. (NOTE from Hiram: CB is too moddist to say it but, you see, bullets don’t do him no hurt. Even them Impervised Exploding Thangs can’t harm him - they jist tickle him a bit.)

Will you institute a system of love points" for Congress and the Cabinet?

Oh absolutely. I plan to completely change the adversarial natural of party politics. Every morning before meetings begin, all Congressmen will have to join hands and sing "The Barney Song." There will be "hug breaks" every two hours. Anyone who won’t agree to love their fellow decision makers unconditionally will be forced to work 12-hour days at minimum wage like every other American.

Newshounds: assholes, wretched assholes, or the most wretched assholes of all time?

Of course they’re assholes; if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be Newshounds. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being an asshole. Some of my best friends are assholes. Some people have even told me I’m one myself.

They’re not the most wretched of all time though. There are at least two people in the world who are more wretched. I won’t say their names but one begins with "R" and the other begins with "K". But I love them anyway. I love the world!

VOTE FOR ME!!!!

Derision 2008 - The Troll Party Town Hall Debate

2008-04-01T16:17:00.001-07:00

Welcome! The floor opens for your questions in approximately ten minutes.

REMINDER: TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL TOMORROW, APRIL 1!!

2008-03-31T16:33:00.001-07:00

If you have not yet done so, there is still time to submit questions for RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to answer during what may be the Troll Party's only Town Hall Debate of the campaign season! Even now, feverish preparations are afoot at the Fux News temporary auditorium in Yantis, Texas, where all three candidates will take the stage on Tuesday. Watch this blog for transcripts, podcasts and video of the landmark event and, of course, feel free to submit your questions below.

Inside California Blat: The Manic Mage of the Mojave

2008-03-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

California Blat is a hero of the road.
He’s totally out of his tree.
He rides the desert in his pickup truck
And he’s a Presidential wannabee (poor boy),
A crazy Presidential wannabee.

As the Troll Party Candidates’ Debate draws near, we bring you a profile of the most enigmatic character in the race - the legendary Hippie Outlaw Magic-Man of the Desert, California Blat.

Those who knew him, back when he was just plain Blat, would never have believed he’d turn out the way he did. Blat often made wild claims about his parentage: for example, that he'd been found in the hold of a trading ship just arrived in New York Harbor from Samarkand (easily disproved since Samarkand is about 1,000 miles from the nearest ocean); or that he’d been born on a 12-foot sailboat in a storm off Cape Horn; or that a European noblewoman had left him on a convent doorstep with a note saying "Be kind to my precious child and see that he never grows up to be a vitamin salesman."

In reality, he was born into a family of accounting clerks and copy-paper salesmen in Hammond, Indiana. In his teens he spent most of his spare time reading books like Think and Grow Rich but there’s no record of his ever actually having done either. He did become a vitamin salesman in spite of his mother's plea. But he was not a very successful one; he was always complaining about "the rat race" and bragging how he could do better if only this horrible screwed-up society would let him. According to one of his customers, Kestrel Fire-Spirit who manages Fire-Spirit’s Holistic Emporium, "I could sense his bitter, negative aura a mile away. It always made me want to curl up into a ball and lick my toes like a kitten."

It was while on his sales rounds that he met RALPH, who was just putting a copy of The Morning After on his windshield. Their first conversation started rather inauspiciously, with Blat shouting, "Get the fuck away from my car!" But it ended at the nearest bar, and a few days later, it resulted in Blat joining RALPH’s campaign as his hand-picked Vice-Presidential appointee.

It didn’t take long for Blat to become disillusioned again. When RALPH went on a speaking tour, the VP-designate took off on his own and hit the road, being was arrested for wandering through restricted parts of the White House and thrown out of a nightclub in Nashville on the way. Brought to heel at last, he appeared doomed to a life driving RALPH’s campaign van and picking up his dry cleaning.

But early last August, while RALPH was speaking at a campaign stop at an industrial facility in Smallville, Kansas, an explosion splattered the air with color and, in Blat’s own words, " in the confusion I could for a moment have sworn that I saw a carbon copy of myself, fleeing the scene in horror and looking, if I may say so, downright liberal!"

The rest, as they say, is history. California Blat surfaced in LA very soon after, preaching love for all the world, and quickly became a hero in the deserts of the Southwest for rescuing strangers in distress. Alarmed at his defection, RALPH sent the Moment-Men to nail him, but they wound up becoming his devoted disciples.

California Blat’s advantages are obvious. He has a magic baseball cap that dispenses $$$, which could probably save the economy single-handed. He has been seen to teach Rottweilers to line-dance, turn himself into a vulture, and stand in a hail of machine-gun fire without getting a scratch. If he has nothing to say, he can take out his National guitar and sing.

Beyond that, though, we don’t know what his position is on key issues. When a reporter asked him about his policies recently, he merely took out his guitar and sang (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel"):

I haven’t got positions
Don’t care for all that stuff.
I only know I love the world
And that should be enough,
Cause I’m a mighty hero,
(A mighty hero)
And RALPH is just a zero,
Yes he is.

Maybe the upcoming debate would be a good opportunity to find out what (or if) he really thinks.

COMING APRIL 1 - THE TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL DEBATE!!!

2008-03-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Troll Party organizers have done the impossible! We’ve gotten RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to agree to answer YOUR questions and, we hope, DEBATE one another VIGOROUSLY on the issues!

On the evening of Tuesday, April 1, the Candidates will answer YOUR questions on any topic you choose to ask them about:
• war in the Middle East
• the environment
• doughnut bumping
• American Idol
• the meaning of life
• favorite toilet cleaners...

You name it, they'll debate it! No subject is off limits!

If you want to submit questions in advance to give the Candidates time to think (they need a LOT of time for that, you know), you can post them in the Comments section of this post, or on Newshounds Off-Topic Forum.

More details and logistical stuff to follow. Just stay tuned!

Will RALPH go orgasmic if he hears the word “pantsuit”?

Will Konservo give us a preview of his new Cher tribute show?

Will California Blat bring his seven line-dancing Rottweilers?

Join us on April 1 and find out!

`*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•..•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°`*’

RALPH ... KONSERVO ... CALIFORNIA BLAT!

LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!

They debate.... you decide! .

•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”``”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•. ”*°•.

Ad Wars Kick It Up a Notch - RALPH Answers the Phone

2008-03-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

Reportedly outraged at Konservo's recent accusatory ad proclaiming him a "sissy" and "donut-bumper" for refusing to meet his former associate in debate, RALPH and his campaign today fired back with a new campaign advertisement outlining the value of his experience in...well, whatever RALPH is actually experienced in.

Whether it was Campaign Blat or California Blat referenced in the ad remains unclear. The Sonny Brothers, speaking for Team RALPH, declined to comment, Sonny White declaring that the advertisement "speaks for itself."

Barack of the Antarctic; RALPH's Ministry to Obama Continues

2008-03-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

We thought RALPH would be heading for Pennsylvania, where Konservo is trying to needle him into a debate. Instead, the Morning After Road Show has taken an unexpected detour into Illinois. It was part of the Candidate's ongoing ministry to Senator Barack Obama, as was the following dramatization which took place this morning at a Holiness Fire Church just south of Springfield.

Sound of howling wind. Curtain rises on a rude log shack, with board walls, a few rough chairs, a gun-metal stove, and, incongruously, a big-screen TV. Through a window we can see mountains of ice. BARACK OBAMA (played by Ezekiel Zacharias, who has played Ann Coulter in previous episodes) sits on a rough wooden chair, wearing a parka with a fur hood. There are two husky dogs at his feet.

OBAMA (smiling a big phony smile): Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest installment of “Survivor: Antarctic Candidate,” the ultimate reality show that pits former Presidential candidates against one another and the savage Last Continent. I’m here with two of my huskies, Truffles and Caviar. John McCain wanted to be with us today, but he’s still nursing Mitt Romney after that sea lion attack. The sucker jumped right up out of the water and started chasing Mitt across an ice floe. I thought all seals did was swim. Today my pups and I will have a wonderful day. We’re going to go for a sled ride! Aren't you happy, girl? (Makes to pat Caviar, who snarls and tries to snap at his hand.)

Oh dear, we’re cross today. (Lowers his voice). And let me tell you something in confidence. I’m pretty cross myself. This place is a bitch. Sometimes, as I lie in my bunk listening to the wind howl and the ice crack, I think to myself, Barack, you should have listened to RALPH. He kept trying to tell you, with those phone calls and tracts and blog posts. He warned you to become Rapture Ready or you’d be spending the rest of your life, and all eternity, with You Know Who. But did I believe him? No! I thought he was a nutcase. I wanted too much to be President. And now where am I! Exiled to Antarctica, me and the man-eating sea lions.

The TV set suddenly switches itself on, revealing TARYN standing completely naked, holding a cucumber. The audience cheers.

TARYN: Hey, dude! None of that attitude! You are not an exile, remember; you’re an enthusiastic participant in a blockbuster reality-TV series.

OBAMA: Yes, that’s what PIAPS has told me to say. But let me tell you...

TARYN: No, let me tell you. There's a plane waiting on a runway in Christchurch, New Zealand. You know what’s on it. Real caviar and truffles. Filet mignon. Cognac. New hi-tech winter clothes. A box full of DVDs. If you're good, and stick to the script, we’ll give the word and that plane will take off, right to your door. But if you keep on with this attitude stuff... well, we’ll have to have another Elimination Challenge, and maybe what happened to Ron Paul will happen to you.

OBAMA (gulps) No - uh - no elimination challenges, thanks.

TARYN: Thought you’d agree. Now stop bitching and get back to playing the game. With verve and zest. I don't want to have to warn you again. I had to leave the Lincoln Bedroom to come speak to you, and there's an amazing party going on there and I really want to get back to it. If you make me come back and check on you again, I won’t be happy. (The TV switches off.)

OBAMA (sighing). Well, my furry friends, I guess we’d better go hunting. And don’t worry, we won't be out long and I won’t take you anywhere near that crevasse. (Exit OBAMA with dogs.)

Enter RALPH.

RALPH: TAKE HEED OF THIS MESSAGE, SENATOR OBAMA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS A WALKING TARGET!!!!

EMBRACE THE RAPTURE!!! CAREFULLY REVIEW THE MATERIALS SENT TO YOU, ESPECIALLY THE MORNING AFTER !!!! SHARE IT WITH YOUR STAFF!!!! CALL THE CONFIDENTIAL AMERICAPHILE PRAYER COUNSELING NUMBER FOR ONE-ON-ONE WITNESSING AND MINISTRY!!!! FIND A VOTER REGISTRATION FORM AT YOUR OFFICE AND TO CHANGE YOUR PARTY AFFILIATION TO THE PRO-AMERICAN G.O.P.!!!!

SENATOR, PLEASE DON'T GO WITH THE FLOE; GO WITH THE RAPTURE!!! YOU WILL BE FEASTING IN PARADISE WHILE AMERICA GROVELS UNDER THE HEEL OF SKANKY, CARPET-MUNCHING PIAPS!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

We have no word from Senator Obama’s office on whether he intends to follow RALPH’s counsel - or join the march of the penguins.

Konservo Surges With a Hard-Hitting Ad in Pennsylvania

2008-03-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

Desperate to make his mark on the Troll Party campaign, in the face of Ralph's popularity surge thanks to the traveling show of "The Morning After" and California Blat's undeniable populist appeal given his magical baseball cap's largesse, KONSERVO - largely shedding his cross-dressing mantle in order to challenge Ralph's lead in the polls - is hitting back hard with a new campaign video.

While Konservo could not be reached for comment on this latest salvo in the increasingly acrimonious Troll Party campaign, the following comments were recorded from rival campaigners.

McCain: "Who's this young feller anyway? What about the Spanish? Have we ceded Arizona?"
Obama: "I prefer to discuss the way forward, not the way backward."
Clinton: "Do you want the Troll Party answering the phone at 3 AM?"
Ralph: "PIAPS! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Konservo, meanwhile, is reported to be organizing street theatre in Pittsburgh over the coming weeks.

Yes, the RALPHTURE is still coming!!!

2008-02-25T16:22:00.000-08:00

"If Senator Clinton does not win the Democratic Primary does that mean the Apocalypse will be called off or just delayed?" asked the Roachman the other day.

It’s a question that many RALPH watchers are starting to ask: what will happen to our candidate if the Obama juggernaut continues? RALPH bases his whole campaign on the assumption that Clinton will win handily, thus ushering in the End Times - which he himself will miss because he’ll have been Raptured by then. But if Obama wins the nomination, does that mean no End Times? No Rapture? RALPH is stuck on this earth for another who knows how long?

He hinted at the answer to that question earlier this month. The other day he and his Bedlam Buddies, in their latest installment of the dramatized Morning After (presented at the Holy Rapture Tabernacle in Southeast Wazoo Junction, Texas), hinted at it again.

Scene: a psychiatrist’s office. PIAPS is lying on the couch. DR. FERNSEHER, in a rumpled suit and a long beard, is sitting in a chair beside her, taking notes.

DOCTOR: But you have no reason to feel this way. You have everything you ever dreamed of. You are the President of the United States. You have unlimited power. You’ve won Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity to your side. You’re sending your enemies the Rapture Christians to re-education camps by the trainload. (Boos from the audience). And the Lincoln Bedroom is full of nubile young ladies ready to kick off their Speedos at the crook of your finger. Sweaty moaning ecstasies all night long! Bumping of doughnuts until there is nothing left of them but a few crumbs and some congealed Boston creme! Tattooed breasts heaving -
PIAPS: Yes, Doctor, I take your point. Please wipe the drool off your mouth. I know I have everything I ever wanted, but, as Shakespeare said, "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."
DOCTOR: Is there anything particular that makes you uneasy?
PIAPS: There are no listening devices in the room?
DOCTOR: Oh no, Ms. President, nothing like that!
PIAPS: Don’t take notes on this. That’s an executive order.
DOCTOR: (rips his notes into little pieces and stuffs them in his mouth) Mmmf. Go ahhdd.
PIAPS: I can hardly bear to admit it, Doctor, but - I’m afraid of RALPH.

DOCTOR chokes, and spews pieces of paper all over the floor.

PIAPS: Yes, it sounds bizarre, I know. But remember last August, when we got that telegram from Barack Obama? The one where he said he’d rather be an Antarctic explorer than the President, and was gone to McMurdo Sound to seek the meaning of life?
DOCTOR: How can we ever forget that? It dismayed the whole nation.
PIAPS: That telegram has been haunting me ever since.
DOCTOR: How so it has been haunting you?
PIAPS (wringing her hands): Because - I - no, I can’t say it. But RALPH ... he’s the only one in America who might have guessed...
DOCTOR (leaning forward and drooling again) Guessed what? (Silence). I said, WHAT!? (More silence. DOCTOR leaps from his chair.) SPIT IT OUT, PIAPS, YOU SKANKY BUNNY-BOILING, CARPET-MUNCHING, OSAMA-KISSING VAGITARIAN DEMLIB BITCH! YOU ARE EXPOSED!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
PIAPS (leaping to her feet): Oh no! It was you all the time! But you haven’t gotten anything out of me yet! And you never will! The Newshounds of the Caribbean are outside! They’ll feed you to the sharks!
RALPH: THE RAPTURE IS NOT CANCELLED!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!!! DON’T BELIEVE THOSE JIHADIST LIBTARD NEWSHOUNDS!!! IT’S NOT PIAPS WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS BUT SOMEONE MUCH GREATER!!!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Curtain falls as RALPH continues to laugh maniacally.

This scene got a tremendous reception in Southeast Wazoo Junction. However, down in the West Texas town of El Paso, people are flocking to California Blat rallies (they particularly love the seven Rottweilers, whom he’s trained to line-dance while he sings "Walk this Way"), and RALPH is barely a blip on the political horizon.

A new poll coming out shortly may help us gauge Americans’ reaction to RALPH’s message, in light of the changing political situation.

Super Duper RALPH!

2008-02-11T14:49:00.001-08:00

Super Tuesday and the primaries that followed were indeed Super for RALPH. He took the majority of states. Only in Louisiana did Konservo post a victory. California and Arizona went solidly to California Blat, even though he’s still an undeclared candidate; as did Tennessee and Georgia, where the Moment-Men campaigned vigorously on his behalf. (New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts don't count as there are no trolls in those states.)

RALPH's main drawing card continues to be the Zacharias family's dramatization of his magnum opus, The Morning After. Here is a faithful transcript of a performance that took place somewhere in Oklahoma:

An upstairs sitting room in the White House. Late in the evening of the same day as the previous scenes. A small table, two easy-chairs and a big-screen TV (actually a large cardboard frame with a curtain drawn over it.) PIAPS and JANET RENO are sitting in the easy chairs with their feet up, sipping wine.

PIAPS: Boy, I’m glad that peace-treaty dinner’s over. Osama has to be the world’s biggest bore. Does he ever talk about anything but jihad? And I wish he’d shampoo that beard at least once in a year.
RENO: But at least you have put an end to war with him.
PIAPS: True. And signed a trade treaty too. Once I’ve legalized opium, we can flood the country with Afghanistan’s number one export product and keep Americans smiling and happy.
RENO: And best of all - you don’t have to spend all that money on the war effort.
PIAPS: You know what the worst part of the evening was? Missing the O’Reilly Factor. I was dying to see how well my experiment went. Pour me another glass; I’m going to watch the tape right now.

She picks up a remote control and flicks it. The curtain on the TV draws back, revealing BILL O’REILLY and ANN COULTER (played by Ezekiel Zacharias). COULTER is wearing a low-cut black dress with a large cross around her neck.

O’REILLY: Welcome to the Factor. I’d like to welcome Ann Coulter back to my show tonight. Ann, why are you wearing that godawful black dress?
COULTER: It should be obvious. I’m in mourning for the death of America, and all it stands for.
O’REILLY: Completely hypocritical - wearing a cross along with that tight little dress. But that’s typical for a floozy like you. I don’t know why I keep having you on my show. Go on, talk.
COULTER: Clinton’s victory is the triumph of everything you and I hate...
O’REILLY: Speak for yourself, lady. Clinton’s victory is the best thing that ever happened to America. Only idiots like you don’t realize that.
COULTER: WHAT!? What in God’s name have you been drinking?
O’REILLY: Look, President Clinton is the savior of this country. She’s already brought us peace by signing that treaty with Bin Laden; she’s outlawed all churches and thus saved America from sectarian violence; and she’s going to give global warming and gay rights and gun control the attention they deserve. I’m surprised at you, trashing her like that after swearing you’d vote for her.
COULTER: I never did! What’s come over you?
O’REILLY: You’re just too full of hate, you right-wing mattress-warmer. AMERICA-HATE, DEMOCRAT-HATE, SOCIAL-JUSTICE-HATE, INCLUSIVENESS-HATE, PUBLIC-RADIO-HATE, NEWSHOUNDS-HATE, ONE-WORLD-HATE, PAUL-KRUGMAN-HATE, NORWAY-HATE, PEACE-HATE, BRING-THE-TROOPS-HOME-HATE, UNIVERSAL-HEALTH-CARE-HATE, ENVIRONMENTAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, AL-GORE-HATE, ROSIE-O’DONNELL-HATE, SAME-SEX-MARRIAGE-HATE, UNITED-NATIONS-HATE, SANITY-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!
COULTER: Look here, you -
O’REILLY: Just shut up! I mean it, just SHUT UP! Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!

COULTER rises and lunges for O’REILLY’s throat; but two pirates elbow onto the screen and drag her away, screaming and kicking.

O’REILLY: Whew. Thanks, Newshounds of the Caribbean; the air smells a lot cleaner now. Stay tuned for my next guest - the Prime Minister of Canada, Mr. Rick Mercer, who is looking forward to exporting his country’s brand of health-care to the US.

The curtain is drawn over the TV. PIAPS and RENO high-five one another.

PIAPS: It’s wonderful! Better than I dreamed! Oh, Janet, I’ve never been so happy. I’ll take the peace dividend and spend it on re-programming! If I can do it to Bill O’Reilly I can do it to the whole world!

Curtain falls. RALPH comes out on stage and gives rant about how only he can save America from this scenario.

Rumor has it that RALPH will soon hold a press conference to discuss his platform, his amazing comeback, and the threat from California Blat. It’s rumored that he will be joined by young Zipporah Zacharias, who plays Clinton’s topless aide Taryn in the dramatizations. THAT ought to bring the reporters out!

Konservo Lagging in Polls as Super Tuesday Dawns

2008-02-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

With the surprising success of Ralph's Screaming Glory Tour of The Morning After, as well as a groundswell of support for California Blat in the heartland states, Konservo - once the cross-dressing darling of the Troll Party, poised to wrest the nomination from Ralph's grasp - heads into Super Tuesday at a serious disadvantage. This blogger caught up with the candidate at a combination town hall and karaoke night in Galesburg, Illinois.

The crowd at Showgirls, perhaps dismayed that the usual "Monday Madness" pole dancing night had been interrupted for "polls" of another kind, showed little receptivity to Konservo's campaign platform despite his stunning red sequinned taffeta sheath dress and dramatic up-do. The audience was relatively placid through the candidate's opening rendition of "Born in a Trunk":

I was born in a trunk
At a Troll Campaign stop in Pocatello, Idaho;
It was during the stump speech on a Tuesday
And they swaddled me right up in that day’s Newsday.
When I first saw the light, it was red and angry
Coming from the temperamental crowd;
And when Reagan carried me out to say hello
They told me that I stopped the show.

So I grew up in a crazy world
Of smoky rooms and back-door rooms,
And rooms for snooping ’round behind the scenes.
And I can't forget the endless strings
Of Rovian plots and Yakki’s knots,
And nights without a condom in my jeans…

But it's all in the game and the way you play it
And you've got to play the game, you know,
When you're born in a trunk at a Troll Campaign stop
in Pocatello, Idaho.

Once Konservo began discussing his campaign platform, including such reasonable proposals as off-price designer outlets being within reasonable public transit distances for every American and the summary banning of overalls, the crowd became, as they say, restless. Boos and catcalls met his bold proposition that funding for faith-based initiatives instead be diverted to a new agency built around the principle of Fabulous-Based Funding, which would provide government grants to failed American Idol contestants who failed to advance despite broad popular backing from the viewers.

By the time Konservo got down to health care, foreign policy, infrastructure and government corruption, a faction of the audience was counter-chanting in support of Ralph, to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda":

Bump us some doughnuts, if you have the nuts,
But you've got no nuts, you sorry fair-eee,
So we'll sneer and we'll laugh
As our Ralphie wipes you off the map,
Then you'll be bumping your doughnuts for free!

Red-faced, Konservo stomped offstage at this taunt, in the process ignoring completely the one sober occupant of Showgirls, whose legitimate question regarding climate change went unheeded thanks to the swift, emotional exit.

On a nationwide scale, Konservo's position has fared little better. Campaign insiders say that Konservo had high hopes for an approval "bump" thanks to his recent appearance as a guest on Bravo's fourth season of Project Runway, where a competition late in the challenge was geared around designing him a truly devastating gown for the Troll Party Convention on April 1.

Sadly, the gambit backfired as even the talented remaining designers scrambled to outfit the candidate appropriately. "It's completely NOT what I do," observed Christian; while SweetP commented "If I don't really do menswear, it kind of goes without saying that I don't do womenswear for men! Geez!" The only designer who welcomed the challenge was Chris, who immediately set about prepping an enormous hat which would both complement Konservo's distinctive facial makeup and illustrate his equally distinctive campaign journey. Even Heidi Klum had praise for his miniature rendition of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa - Konservo's springboard to global attention - and pronounced the designer's work in the challenge not just appropriate, but "wunderbar."

Spokespeople for the Konservo campaign were not responding to press queries as the entourage boarded their VW Westphalia to make for their regional headquarters at the Heart O'Chicago Motel to await the following day's returns.

The Screaming Glory Show Takes Florida!!!

2008-01-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

RALPH the Comeback Kid is continuing to increase his lead over Konservo in the primaries. Our favorite cabaret queen did well in places like Palm Beach, but RALPH took the rest of the state handily.

Much of the credit, of course, has to go to his partnership with Bedlam Tom and the Screaming Glory Players, whose dramatizations of The Morning After continue to pack in audiences. Here is a transcript of one that took place Sunday evening in a church basement somewhere along the St. Johns River:

Scene: the Womyn’s Sweat Lodge. TARYN and JANET RENO are cuddling under a blanket. Their shoulders are bare, so presumably the rest of them is too.

TARYN: Janet, that was wonderful!
RENO (coyly): So - am I better than the President?
TARYN: well - ah - ahem! You each have your own unique - ahem!
RENO: Don’t worry about offending us. Jealousy is an outdated construct in this post-Apocalyptic world, just like God, family and property. Everything is shared now, including love.

PIAPS enters, without knocking, in leather Speedo, sleeveless leather vest, black fishnet thigh-highs and six-inch black heels. She is holding a double leash in one hand and carrying a whip in the other. TARYN and RENO sit abruptly upright, letting the blanket fall. Cheers and hoots from the congregation.

PIAPS (in high spirits) Oh, there you are! I thought I’d find you here. Well, my dears, it was a challenge, but I did it! And I’m so proud! I just have to show you. (Cracks whip in the air and tugs leash). All right, boys - come in. Now!
Enter SEAN HANNITY AND BILL O’REILLY, wearing studded dog-collars, one on each leash. They stumble as if sleepwalking, and their eyes are vacant.

PIAPS: Now, boys. I want you to tell my senior advisors exactly what you learned under my tutelage.
Brief silence. They fidget and stare at the floor.
PIAPS: NOW!!! (cracks whip harder.)
HANNITY (mechanically): Praise to PIA- (crack of the whip) I mean President Clinton.
O’REILLY (mechanically): She has saved the world.
HANNITY(ditto) : May she live forever!
O’REILLY (ditto): We love the ground she walks on!
RENO: My God, Hill, you’re amazing! I didn’t think you could do it!
TARYN: What will happen to them now?
PIAPS: That’s the brilliant part of my plan. I’m going to send them back to Fox News, to their old jobs. They’ll host their shows every night, same as before; but now they’ll tell their viewers what I want them to hear.
HANNITY: Let all America bow low before her!
O’REILLY: Blessed be Allah for sending her to us!
TARYN: But - Ms. President - that’s not what people are used to hearing them say. Won’t they suspect anything?
RENO (laughing): Taryn, sweetie, you are so naive. You’re assuming that right-wingers have brains.
PIAPS: When in fact nothing could be further from the truth. The right will believe anything these men say, without questioning it. So if they tell America I should be worshipped - millions of viewers will believe it automatically. I’ll have brought my enemies under my control, with a minimum of effort.
TARYN: That is brilliant, Ms. President!
PIAPS (modestly): I’m glad you agree. Now, boys, turn around and go outside. I’m going to stay here for a while. But behave yourselves. I’ve hired the Newshounds of the Caribbean to keep a watch on you, and if you aren’t good little boys - well, Captain Elijah Ballkicker has lots of rope. Do you understand me?
O’REILLY (shuddering): We will never disobey your wishes, O Glorious One. (They stumble out.)
PIAPS: Oooh. Now I’m really in the mood. (Kicks off her shoes, and begins to strip off her stockings.)
TARYN: You can’t stay here too long, Ms. President. You have the post-peace-treaty dinner party with Osama Bin Laden tonight.
PIAPS: Oh, Sammy can wait. But I can’t. (As she begins to remove her vest, the curtain falls. Thunderous applause. Cries of “Rapture! RAPTURE!”)

How can Konservo ever compete with that?

The Comeback Kid!

2008-01-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

After two months of inactivity, RALPH is back on the campaign trail with a vengeance! He took South Carolina away from Konservo by a wide margin, and despite some aggressive nightclub-stumping by his rival, RALPH looks set to take Florida as well.

A lot of the credit goes to Rev. Thomas P. Zacharias and his family. Their dramatizations of The Morning After which are packing in audiences. Here's a sample of what people saw in South Carolina this week:

TARYN, clad only in Speedo and Doc Martens, is standing alone on stage with a tense look on her face. Enter JANET RENO (played by Rev. Tom’s sister, Rebekah McNish).

RENO: Is the interrogation still going on?
TARYN: Yes. It’s been ages, too. My God, how can they hold out so long?
RENO: They're tough; but the President is tougher.
PIAPS (offstage): All right, you snivelling wingnuts, I am going to give you one more chance. For the last time: Where is the printout of Americaphile?
HANNITY (offstage) Do your worst, Clintoon; we’ll never tell you a thing.
O’REILLY (offstage) There are at least two people in this room who love America, you secular progressive, you!*
TARYN: I never expected them to be that strong.
RENO: Well, we knew they would be difficult to break.
PIAPS (offstage): Very well. I didn’t want to do this, but since you’re so obstinate I have no other choice. Igor... bring out the Box.

(Dead silence. TARYN and RENO both gasp in horror.)

IGOR (offstage): No, Ms. President.. Not ... the Box!
PIAPS (offstage): you heard what I said, Igor. Bring out the Box. All right. Where shall I begin? (Sound of rattling and rummaging). Oh, I think I’ll start with this one here. Igor, put this in the VCR. All right, Foxy boys - you asked for it.

(Whirring noises; then the voice of Rosie O’Donnell fills the air. Horrible screams off stage.)

O’REILLY: Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!!
HANNITY: You ruthless, heartless bitch! Is there no limit to your cruelty?
PIAPS: I told you I’d stop at nothing to learn the truth.
(More screams)
TARYN: Oh, my God, I can’t stand it!
RENO: They won’t last long now. Soon it will be over and Americaphile will be no more - and then will be helpless against us (chuckles). Why don’t you go to the sweat lodge and relax? Come to think of it, why don’t we both go to the sweat lodge and relax? (They exit with their arms around each other.)

The audience left the rally bubbling with enthusiasm.This blogger overheard repeated comments like, "I wonder if Sean and Bill will break," and "You don't see anything like that at Romney's rallies," and "I wouldn't mind an hour in a sweat lodge with that Speedo gal."

"Great to see him getting back on his game," said commentator VermontDave. "Though I'm a California Blat man myself."

Stay tuned for Florida and Super Duper Tuesday!

*Hannity is played by Micah Zacharias; O'Reilly by Rebekah's husband Elihu McNish.

The Legend of You Know Who; Or, What REALLY Happened in Nevada

2008-01-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

You’ll probably never read this story in the mainstream media, but dozens of people swear it’s true. Kate Stone has been busy collecting eyewitness reports, and this is what she believes took place:

Caucus day in Las Vegas dawned sunny and bright; but there was no sunshine on the face of Roger Constantine. He stood on the roof of the Plaza Hotel and Casino, looking down on the busy street below, muttering a prayer as he dashed a tear from his eye.

“What do you think you’re doing? ” said a voice behind him. Roger looked around to see a man in jeans, baseball cap and flak jacket standing behind him, heavily tattooed bare arms crossed over his chest. “If it’s what I think you’re doing - well, you’re not doing it. I’m not going to let you.”

“Why not?” asked Roger despondently. “I have nothing left to live for. I’ve gambled it all away. I’ve lost my home, my job, my family. I’m $300,000 in debt. I wish I had never seen a slot machine; at least now I won’t see them any more. Goodbye.” He stepped toward the edge of the roof but suddenly froze in mid-stride.

“Now you are in my power,” said the stranger. “And you will do what I tell you to. You will climb down from this roof and go out into the street. See that red, white and blue GMC Sierra down there, with I’M AN AMERICAN HERO painted on the side? You are going to climb into the cab and wait for me. Don’t worry about the seven Rottweilers. They won’t hurt you - not unless you try to get out of the truck before I say so. You agree?”

“Yes,” said Roger vaguely. Then, stumbling like a sleepwalker, he dragged himself away from the edge of the roof and toward the open trapdoor.

A few minutes later, a tattooed stranger in baseball cap and flak jacket entered the casino. He went to one slot machine and emptied it. He went to another slot machine and emptied it. He emptied a whole row of slot machines, then headed for the blackjack tables. By this time he’d attracted an astonished and admiring crowd.

“Hey, I know who that is!” said a white-haired woman who happened to hail from Flagstaff, Arizona. “It’s CALIFORNIA BLAT!” Loud gasps of amazement; then cheers.

An hour later, California Blat (for that is indeed who it was) came back out to the truck. “Here you go,” he said, handing Roger a check. “I’ve paid off all your debts, and here’s $50,000 extra to help you start over. I will put a charm upon you to remove your urge to gamble; slots and casinos will never attract you again. Now go, and begin anew!

As Roger fell down on his knees in the street, weeping and kissing the stranger’s dusty hiking boots, the crowd cheered and cheered and cheered.

“It’s nothing,” said their hero. “It’s all in a day’s work for California Blat.”

But the people were already running en masse to the nearest Nevada Caucus precincts. And when all the ballots were counted, California Blat had 21,722 votes - almost as many as Mitt Romney.

But Blat said, “Please don’t count those votes. I’m grateful that you love me as much as I love you; but I am not a candidate. I don’t really want to be president.

I want to roam the desert
In my pickup truck
Helping all the people who
Are down upon their luck,

I’d rather be a hero,
(A mighty hero),
And not a big fat zero
Just like RALPH.”

Then he got into his truck and roared away. And no one ever reported the story in the media.

“He’s a idiot,” commented Moment-Man Eustace Whazzup. “I'd run after him if I could but I still cain't walk too good. He's gotta come back. He's gotta run for President. I mean, who else is there? That Kon-pervo character? I betcha anything CB’ll change his mind if’n we git enough people beggin’ him.”

In like a lion,out comes a lamb......

2008-01-21T01:09:00.000-08:00

Recent reports of a goat-fucking incident have thundered through the Ralph/Blat campaign(TM) Headquarters. A follow up report is as follows:

Ohio general veterinary clinic has had a controversial patient staying with them. "Billy-boy",the Masonic lodge goat has been under observation for some days,as a result of the horrid(alleged) sexual molestation he received during a honorary bestowal of the order for the troll party candidate Ralph. The veterinarians examined said goat,and although the animal has passed with a seemingly clean bill of health,there's a problem.....

Billy-boy is pregnant.

This astounding revelation was discovered by Dr. Walter P. Blastocyst or the Sainted Virgin Animal Hospital at the corner of 4th and Bush streets. Dr. Blastocyst told this reporter:

"It's the strangest case I've ever been on in all my years. Frankly I feel it's a sign from GAWD. This is a child of some special purpose."

Others in the Hospital are not so generous. Nurse Peony Smellerot had this to say:

"It's the DEVIL! THE ANTI-RALPH! IT HATES RALPH-MASS I CAN ALREADY TELL!!"

People in the community are shaken by this strange occurence. Manly are speaking of switching their votes over to troll party candidate Konservo. The sentiments expressed, "At least we know that thar Konservo feller is one of them gaybirds! This goat thing,this kid could be the start of the triberlayshun!"

We once again tried to speak reasonably with Ralph the Prophet over these allegations of a connection to ultimate evil and his seed. The response was as androgynous as usual:

""THEY SHOULD NAME THAT DEVIL APOCALYPSE! AGENT OF PIAPS AND CLINTOON! HATE! HATE! HATE!"

A released,pre-prepared statement was read in the evening. Transcript as follows:

"The campaign for Ralph, America's greatest President in waiting, would like to lay these false allegations of goat-fucking and other criminal and immoral acts to rest.The candidate was not at the Masonic lodge downtown on the evening in question,regardless of what may be believed from those doctored photographs. We would like to assure our faithful followers, that a man such as Ralph would not lower himself to sex up a ruminant,nor would he raise said ruminant to sex it up. Ralph apologises for not being here,as he's having some slight medical difficulty himself,but would like us,his voice to leave our congregation with the following words on his behalf. In his words, "Sometime after the secret snatching away of my SAINTLY VISAGE,knowing I AM READY FOR THE RAPTURE [TUESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2009!!!!!!!], MY IMAGE WAS IMPOSED WITH AN ANIMAL OF LOW QUALITY!!!! The dreaded battle variously known as World War III, Armageddon, brought about the DEVIL-BORN Apocalypse, or the Battle of Gog and Magog will MAKE YOU ALL SUFFER FOR YOUR DISBELIEF!! This is when the VIRGIN will take on its dual role as a symbol for evil, AND THE VAGINA, and will represent the Harlot called the GOAT!!!!!"

As ambiguous as always,the candidate and his team are keeping the story close to their vests. Or at least in a pocket,notably located in the groin area.

Updates as they become available.

A Big Night in Bedlam

2008-01-15T19:11:00.000-08:00

Below is a transcript of the "special service" held last night at the Screaming Glory Tabernacle in Bedlam Junction, Pennsylvnia.

REV. THOMAS P. ZACHARIAS: And now for our feature presentation...

Entire tabernacle is suddenly plunged in darkness.

VOICE OF REV. TOM (from the rafters) “Behold, the Lord has sent a messenger among us. Even as He sent Jonah to warn Nineveh, so has he sent RALPH to warn America, and I have promised to help him spread his message during this election season. Tonight, we are pleased to present a dramatization of his prophetic work, The Morning After. It is still a work in progress, but once we’ve perfected it – as far as we can, given that we are but following in RALPH’s footsteps - then look, listen, and tremble!

Sinister music. Smoke and a smell of sulphur. Lights come up. Enter PIAPS (played by Mrs. Esther Zacharias), wearing a polyester pantsuit, with the number 666 written on her forehead.

PIAPS: Ah, what a wonderful day! My first day as President of the United States. I have just left the Lincoln Bedroom, where I spent last night writhing in ecstasy with Rosie O’Donnell and Janet Reno. Now I must get down to the business of establishing my dark master's Reign on Earth (chuckles evilly). Let me call my assistant. Taryn, come here!

Enter TARYN (played by Miss Zipporah Zacharias), tattooed and shaven-headed, wearing only Speedos and Doc Martens.

TARYN: Yes, Ms. President?
PIAPS: What is on my agenda today?
TARYN: First, you have a meeting with Osama bin Laden to sign a peace treaty. Then you have a strategy planning session for world domination with Pope Benedict, and after that lunch with Gerry Adams and King Harald of Norway. Then we have some bills for you to sign – the ones abolishing the Constitution and closing all the churches. We’ve cleared the rest of the afternoon for your interrogation session of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.
PIAPS: Wonderful! I can’t wait to hear their screams! It just gets me right here! (Rubs her hands across her pelvic area with sighs of ecstasy.)

Thunderous sound of hooves. Wagnerian music. Enter the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse [played by Reverend Tom’s sons Micah, Ezekiel, Jedediah and Habakkuk]. They ride howling across the stage.*

TARYN: I know, Ms. President. That's why I’ve booked the Womyn’s Sweat Lodge for after the interrogation.
PIAPS: Oh, that'll be just what I need. (Gasps ecstatically.) And will you join me there, my sweet? (caressing Taryn’s earlobe).
TARYN: Oh, Ms. President, there’s nothing I would like more! (Leaps up and down with anticipation. A large amount of jiggling. Males in audience show their appreciation)
PIAPS: Nor I; but we can't stay there long. We have a lot of work to do before my task is fulfilled. Isn't it wonderful? This is the beginning of the End of Days! Isn’t it wonderful?

Thunderous hooves, Wagnerian music. The Four Horsemen ride back across the stage. Exit PIAPS and TARYN.

REV. TOM (from the rafters): Listen and fear, fellow Americans. Do you want this scenario to come to pass? (Loud cries of “No!”) Then embrace the Rapture! Heed the words of RALPH! He speaks with the tongue of the Prophet! BEHOLD HIM!!

A burst of flame shoots up from the stage. As it subsides, we see RALPH standing stage center, arms upraised. Deafening cheers.

RALPH: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!! YOU ARE EXPOSED, PIAPS, YOU SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING BITCH! AND AS FOR YOU, KONSERVO, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE ASSWI -

REV. TOM (hastily interrupting): Over the coming weeks we’ll perfect this dramatization, and we’ll take it across the country, so that all America can see it and tremble at the fate that awaits the Unraptured. We will take it into every primary state! We’ll make sure that all Americans see it and take heed. Don't spend the rest of your lives, and all eternity, with PIAPS! RAPTURE!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!

*An unidentified member of the congregation commented, “Those stick horses with the painted heads sort of spoiled the effect. But the intent was good.”

The dead do speak!

2008-01-15T02:28:00.000-08:00

Today's broadcast of Chillingham Travesty's talk show had some startling revelations for the campaign,as secrets in the past of Troll Party Candidate Ralph(the Prophet) came to light.

The Biography,entitled " Ralph:Story of an American Hero" made notes of his early history,including that he had been married to one Phyllus Smegma-Diddlefiddle. Ralph himself,on September 13,2007 had previously said this:

"SHE'S DEAD!DEAD!SHE CAN'T EVEN THINK!"

Of course,it was not surprising that the candidate began looking for a trophy wife,under those circumstances. Now it seems that this may have been an untruth,as Chillingham Travesty has had a woman on her show today,claiming to be the candidate's wife!

Transcript as follows:
-------------------------------------------------------------

Chillingham: "Okay,so you're actually Ralph's wife? Tell us about it."

Phyllus(allegedly): "Well,me 'n Ralphie gots married when we's just kids. He's allus wanted ter be Preznit. He lef' a few months ago,while I was out back cookin' chitlins. I thought he wuz goin to the store,but he never came back! Armageddon called wonderin' where her daddy got off to. I don't got no tv,but the newspaper came yesterday and there he wuz!"

Chillingham: "He was in the paper?"

Phyllus(allegedly): "Ayuh. Jus' as big as life! We done thought somethin' had a happen'd to him. Then I got ter readin',and it said he wa lookin' fer a wife! I'm his wife! Why's he need 'nother one?"

------------------------------------------------------------

We followed Mrs. Smegma(Diddlefiddle) home as part of our investigation,and true enough,she does indeed live in a small backwoods cabin. There are numerous doghouses in front,and several photographs of Troll Party candidate Ralph in the home.

We spoke to Phyllus as well,who I might add is a rather sweet woman,though she's a might narrow between and hard on the eyes. She laid out a sketch of their life,which strangely coincides with the biography. Our team is working diligently to solve this mystery for our readers.

Spokesmen for the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign weren't available for comment,and the candidate seems to have dropped off the map,somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains.

Michigan Election Return Surprise for Konservo

2008-01-15T01:51:00.000-08:00

Excitement had been running high at Konservo’s Escanaba, Michigan campaign headquarters, the Sand Bar, where the faithful gathered in their designer pumps and fetching frocks to await results from the state primary on Tuesday.

As servers passed trays of miniature quiche and prosciutto-and-crab puffs to the excited throng, Konservo was nonchalant and relaxed, seemingly oblivious to the large-screen displays showing minute-by-minute election returns as he leant seductively on the grand piano and crooned (to the strains of “As Long As He Needs Me” from Oliver!):

You always do the things you should,
You take care of me, oh, so good:
And that is why I rate
As your candidate!

As long as you need me,
I’ll be what I must be,
Just send me to DC –
For that’s where you need me.

Long as my term goes on,
I’ll bring the Right, not wrong,
Together we’ll be strong,
Because you SO need me…

If you are right-wing,
Then it’s SO TRUE
You know KONSERVO
Knows what to dooooo…..

But, as the accompanist provided a sweeping crescendo and Konservo prepared to modulate upwards to the Big Finale, the unexpected arrived.

Security at the entrance scrambled but failed to halt the appearance on the scene of a newcomer without credentials, who squealed “Take your filthy Islamofascist mitts OFF me, you vulgar man! Don’t you recognize me? I’m RODAN, Konservo’s Number One FAN!”

Indeed, as he shook off the security guards, Rodan certainly appeared dressed to venerate Konservo as his own personal American Idol. He was wearing a substandard knockoff of one of Konservo’s striptease outfits from one of his legendary acts at the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa, complete with an wig and headpiece which did little to detract from his own neglected shag cut, wisping out at the edges. Efforts to replicate Konservo’s distinctive face makeup did little but impart a clownish aspect to his features. He even teetered a little on his T.J. Maxx pumps as he tried to pull himself up to full dignity and rush his hero, brandishing as he did a congratulatory bouquet.

Konservo quickly beckoned to him the members of the band engaged for the evening’s later planned revelry (“Reverend Raven and The Chain Smokin’ Altar Boys,” reportedly a local favorite), and they formed a perimeter between the prospective candidate and his devotee.

“But, Konservo, WHY?” wailed Rodan, grasping ineffectually toward his role model. “You know I’ve always been there for you…” Oddly, the spotlight suddenly began to track Rodan’s tearful declamation as he moved across the scuffed dance floor in the body language of a lover scorned. “Who followed you to Think Progress and championed you? Who assailed Huffington Post and DailyKos? Who spawned a horde of sockpuppets on News Hounds? WHO?!” The last exclamation came out in a piercing, desperate wail that made the band’s microphones screech with feedback.

Rodan wiped away a melodramatic tear. “It was ME, Konservo. Your truest friend – nay, perhaps your only real friend – and now you spurn and reject me, on the very eve of the glory we’ve worked so hard for you to attain. OH, I can bear it no longer!!”

The crowd moved in to restrain Rodan as he groped to snatch up a serrated steak knife, perhaps intent on ending it all right then and there. But he collapsed into a moaning shell of himself, shoulders heaving, as a security guard gently took the knife away and compassionate voices assured the hapless Rodan that it was all right, everything was OK and he was still…

“EXCUSE me!?” snapped Konservo.

The rest of the room froze.

“WHO exactly is the CANDIDATE here? Hmm?” Konservo’s pique was obvious, and he threw his boa contemptuously over one shoulder and stalked toward the exit, shoulders held in a furious stance.

“But…er…the returns, Konservo…?” said one hapless campaign aide toward his retreating, offended back.

At the backstage door, Konservo slowly turned to face the crowd, the tiniest of tears extending the makeup around his left eye into a poignant streak of black down one cheek. “I don’t even care any more,” he said, with a catch in his quiet voice, before heading into the backstage area. The group heard one THUD of a slammed exterior door, and then the roar of a snowmobile, before the room faded again into silence.

Rodan sobbed openly. “I only wanted to congratulate him!” he groaned. “To celebrate this special moment…with someone special! Why?! Oh, Diebold in Heaven, WHY?!?!”

As security made to track Konservo’s trail, the rest of the campaign staff reasoned there was no point in wasting perfectly good canapes and an open, prepaid bar, and settled in for the evening’s returns. By the midnight report that Konservo had bested not only his Troll Party rival RALPH, but also Republican hopefuls Ron Paul and Fred Thompson, in the final projections, it was Rodan who was belting out “Happy Days Are Here Again!” at the piano…the remaining unresolved issue being, could Konservo be persuaded to return to the campaign trail after being upstaged by a fan, and did this episode boost or further damage the candidacy of former Troll Party frontrunner RALPH?

Citizen-journalist Kate Stone and noted blogger Zen Caviar are among those expected to weigh in on this potentially explosive development in an already-heated campaign.

RALPH on the Screaming Glory Road

2008-01-13T10:09:00.000-08:00

We pick up the tale of RALPH’s current whereabouts where we left off a few posts ago: with the Candidate being chased by police in a small Pennsylvania town after being caught putting "The Morning After" on windshields at the local mall.

As he was panting for breath, a battered white van with the words "Central PA Heating and Air Conditioning" lettered on the side pulled up beside him and a man shouted, "Get in, quick!" Instinctively, RALPH obliged, and the van took off toward I-76. The policemen gave up the chase, though RALPH could hear them in the distance calling "...and don’t ever come back!"

The driver didn’t look much like an HVAC guy - he had nothing in common, for example, with the tattooed skinhead who installed this blogger’s new water heater two days ago. He wore a long white beard down to his waist, a floor-length homespun robe that looked like something out of the Bible (though the authenticity was destroyed by his wearing rubber boots instead of sandals), and a big cross around his neck. Another cross hung on the rear-view mirror, one with red, white and blue flashing lights that lit the van up like a strobe.

"Welcome, brother RALPH," said stranger. "Yes, I can see your surprise that I know your name. But among my flock your writings are revered like those of Revelation. Would that they were so revered everywhere!"

"THEN YOU AREN’T REALLY AN AIR-CONDITIONING MAN?" gasped RALPH.

"Not literally - this van is a device to allow me to travel incognito. But perhaps metaphorically, since my job is to save America from the burning flames. Allow me to introduce myself; I am the Reverend Thomas P. Zacharias, pastor of the Screaming Glory Tabernacle in Bedlam Junction. We have heard your warning, and it has touched our hearts very nearly. In my church we are making a study of The Morning After as all Americans should do. At tonight’s service we’ll be doing a special presentation on The Morning After; my daughter Zipporah will read from it while walking a tightrope above an open fire pit. I know you will love it. My home is yours, brother RALPH. I am honored to have you in my car, shining beacon of purity that you are."*

At this, RALPH began to sob and embrace Reverend Tom. "THE LORD HAS BROUGHT ME AMONG MY FRIENDS! I HAVE BEEN PLUCKED FROM THE JAWS OF MINE ENEMIES AND LED TO GREEN PASTURES! I HAVE FOUND A LOYAL RAPTURE AMERICAN AMID THE MOB OF BLOODTHIRSTY DEMLIBS AND AGENTS OF VILE MURDERING PIAPS THAT SURROUND ME!!! TAKE ME TO BEDLAM! IT IS WHERE I BELONG!!!!"

So off they rode into the Appalachians, while back in Dubois, his entourage remained scratching their heads. "I thought we're supposed to be rehearsing for debates," said a campaign worker who identified himself only as "Henry".

* We’re not sure whether Rev. Tom has heard about the goat yet.

SCANDAL!

2008-01-13T02:31:00.001-08:00

Yesterday pictures were circulated among the journalistic community that has scandalized the candidacy of RALPH for President™.

The photographs while grainy and somewhat out of focus seem to show America’s Greatest President in Waiting caught in flagrante delicto with a defensless animal! The pictures were taken at the bestowing of the Ohio Mason’s society.

I asked Tom Bedlow what he made of the situation:

Excerpt:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Bedlow, can you tell me what happened?

“Well, we decided after following Ralph’s campaign bid, that we would offer him an honorary membership in the Order of Masons. We contacted him and he seemed really excited about it. We were too, as you well know that there are many former Presidents who were honorable Masonic brothers.”

Yes. And what happened at the inauguration?

“I can’t tell you everything, you realize, as our ceremonies are quite secret. However, you do know that one inducted must ride a goat. That’s a part of the ceremony see. It’s a long standing practice, and quite harmless fun!”

Yes sir, I understand. And when coming to this part of the ceremony, what happened?

“We told RALPH that he would ride the goat to be a member. He looked at us strangely at first, and then he smiled real funny like."

Then what happened?

“Well, Billy-boy’s handler (Billy-Boy is the pet goat’s name) is Tommy Larson. Anyways Tommy brought Billy-Boy out for the ride. Ralph got this queer look in his eyes and I kind of got scared for a minute. Then he takes off running at Billy-Boy!”

He did? What happened next?

“Well….*sniff*…this is tough. He grabbed Billy by the neck and spun him around. Then he dropped his buh-buh-britches…..OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE!”

It’s alright sir. Take your time.

“Naw, it’s ok. Need to talk about it, you know? Well he grabbed Billy and dropped his pants. Then he started screaming something about Pips? Paps?...”

Piaps?

“Yeah, that’s it. He said something like, ’You’re mine PIAPS!’. I was scared out of my wits. Billy was straining to get away and everything and we were all shocked, like paralyzed. Finally Tommy got his wits about him and pulled Ralph off.”

What next?

“Nothing. When Ralph got jerked loose from Billy, he grabbed his pants and ran like the dickens. Tommy chased him, but it was no use. That Ralph is fast I tell you!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pictures in question were printed yesterday in the Ohio Coon-skinner Times. I tried to get a comment from Ralph today, but all he would say on the matter was:

“LIBTARD CONSPIRACY! IT’S NOT ME! THEY CAN”T EVEN THINK!! THEY ARE JUST FULL OF HATE!

This reporter did speak to the veterinarian in charge of Billy-Boy’s case. Other than a ruptured rectum and some psychological problems, Billy should be back out head-butting visitors to the lodge in a few weeks.

Ralph: The Unsung History of Greatness!!!

2008-01-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

There are few great men who have shone with the aura of true American patriotism like President-in-waiting Ralph. But how many know the true, deep conviction that this man among men represents? How many know of his upbringing, and the struggles that evolved him to make him the man he is?

A tale that truly needs telling, and one that will soon be in the description of America's Greatest President!

Some years ago:

1: A star is born!

It was the summer of 1965 on a cold winter’s morn, when a little bitty baby-child was born in an Ohio Ghetto. He was a small-built child, but perfect in his smallness. His one feature (and the one that would give him so much pain over the years) was a deformed cranium. His saintly mother, being blessed by Gawd loved him dearly. His father was rather disenchanted with the child, despite having been blessed himself with an immaculate erection with which to create the wonder that would become the President In Waiting. (For quite some time, the President In Waiting’s father was unknown. This biographer, however, has spoken to Ralph and attained permission to print the aforesaid father's identity. It was none other than Dark Lord of the Sith Vader - he who would bring balance to the Force.) They named him Ralphie Georgeous, and his surname was DiddleFiddle.

Ralph DiddleFiddle grew to be a somewhat weak young man. (It has been theorized that this was in fact a ruse perpetrated by Ralph himself, so as to experience what the weak had to endure so as to save them later with his great sacrifice.) Nevertheless, by the time 1969 had rolled in, he was already developing those characteristics that would make him the "great one". It was also in 1969 that he first became acquainted with what he would later scorn, the Libtards.

Local children in his neighborhood were quite cruel to Ralph, due to his misshapen skull. The evil names that flowed from their lips wounded him greatly..."pinhead"..."pokernoggin"..."peckerhead". It was then that he learned what really caused them to tease him mercilessly, from his friend Stubby.(Stubby was also a malformed yet great youth, who had the unfortunate curse of being born a turdbaby with bucked teeth.) Stubby insisted that these children were Liberals, and that they hated all that was good and holy in life. Ralph soon learned through their mercilessness and cruelty that this was the truth.

The neighborhood children constantly gave him grief. He tried to proselytize to them, to give them prophetic knowledge. They laughed. He offered to tutor them in real Conservative values. They derided him. Is there any wonder to the evilness that a liberal represents? To Ralph, there was no doubt. He therefore at that young age rejected Liberalism. Rejected the free love of the Hippie movement(those dirty bastard Satan-worshipping heathens).

Time marched on, and Ralph DiddleFiddle grew into manhood. His teen years were uneventful until the year 1981, when he joined his high school's debate team. A President was elected in that year, a great and noble prophet of the future, named Ronnie Ray-gun. Ralph became enamored with him, and emulated the greatness of the man at every opportunity. The sudden stops in speech, the mysterious memory loss...all those became Ralph's keys in debate. And he was a fluid and fierce debater! One could hear his voice (gravelly, though melodic) echo through the halls:

"ROOSTERFELT WAS A DEMLIB HATER! HE CAN'T EVEN THINK! SOCIALIST! COMMUNIST! FILLED WITH HATE! AMERICA-HATE, FREEDOM-HATE! BWHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

His opponents would wither under the intensity of his power, and Ralph DiddleFiddle knew he was on his way!

2: Tribulation

Ralph graduated from high school, and eschewed college education due to the dangers of intermingling with evil liberal ideas. Instead he entered the workforce, and through extreme power of will became the manager for a local media conglomerate (The T-Shirt Shack of Ohio). Through his connections he steadily gained momentum in a bid for county constable, and his speech at the local meet and greet was a shining moment for Conservative values:

"I'M HERE FOR ALL THE REAL COMMUNITY CHRISTIANS! WE WILL STOP THOSE LIBTARDED IDEALS! NO MORE MIRANDA! NO MORE WARRANTS! DOWN WITH THE DEMOCRAPS!"

Ralph was quite destroyed however, when he failed to secure the constabulary seat. He brought to attention the hanging chads on ballots, but of course the liberal machine suppressed him. He went back to work, performing his duties with the same dedication, producing the world's greatest t-shirts and sloganeering to the world of liberal evil on them. At night he would immerse himself in "the good book", and speak to Gawd, who quelled Ralph's fears by explaining that soon he would be great among men!

Ralph also became enamored of a local girl, named Phyllus Smegma. They married and began to bring into the world two lovely children, Armageddon and Rapture DiddleFiddle. There was a third child named Ragnarok, who unfortunately was stolen away by Cuban slavers and forced to work on a sugar cane plantation. Ralph and Phyllus never laid eyes on him again. When I asked Ralph his feelings on Ragnarok he stated:

"HE'S A DEMLIB!!! HE CAN'T EVEN THINK! A DIRTY CASTRO LOVING LIBOTARD!!!!"

When I pointed out that the child could hardly help being abducted, Ralph explained the situation to me:

"HE COULD HAVE LEFT ANYTIME! BUT HE CAN'T EVEN THINK!"

Duly chastised, I left him to his pain on the subject and moved on.

Armageddon and Rapture were the light in Ralph's heart, and to keep an uncaring public from belittling them over their shortcomings (both have watermelon heads) he hid them away in a forest retreat deep in Ohio's woodland. There he returned to working t-shirts and studying to become America's Greatest President.

3: The evil that PIAPS do.

In 1992, Ralph was an industrious man. Still managing the Ohio Branch T-shirt Shack, he had collected a vast nest egg for a campaign bid (some $240) and had bought the prerequisite suit and tie. Knowing he was far too late to be in the race that year, he watched the election vigorously, noting the tactics and demeanor of all and scoping out the libtards wherever he could.

It was there that he saw her. She was sitting behind her husband, the Libtard Democraptic candidate. She wasn't that large of a woman like his dear Phyllus, nor did she have the humongous cauliflower ears of his beloved wife. Ralph was smitten. He vowed this pant-suited vixen would be his, and promptly began studying Mormonism in a bid to change his religious directions. After finding that polygamy was not allowed to Mormons anymore, he threw all caution to the wind and sought this woman as his own, this Hillary Clinton.

Ralph withdrew his campaign funds from the savings account and, taking the money, bought a bus ticket for Arkansas where he knew she and that LIBTARD husband of hers lived other than Washington. Telling Phyllus and the girls he was off to a Sweater convention, he boarded the bus for the long crawl to Arkansas, a song in his heart. He arrived four days later and began to seek his newfound love out.

Finding the Clinton home was not easy but he was a determined man. Sneaking around the back in a black uniform and mask, he avoided those CIA men(good Americans all!) to approach the rear windows of the house. Jimmying a lock, he crawled into a parlor and waited. Soon she arrived and though he thought he should wait, he immediately popped up and began espousing his undying devotion. Even though she was a "LIBTARD'S WIFE!" To his horror, she not only spurned him but called those agents to take him away.

After questioning him at length, the CIA and the now evil "PIAPS!!!" released him into the street(it has been speculated that they called him a “masturbating nutcase with PIAPS derangement syndrome”, but this has never been proven). He howled into the night his anger and sexual frustration:

"I'LL GET YOU MY PIAPS! AND YOUR LIBTARD HUSBAND TOO!"

Ralph caught the bus as quickly as he could to distance himself from his shame. Four days later he returned home, his tears fully dried and the vengeance of the righteous in his heart. Phyllus was angry, yet she understood his desire for power and forgave him. Ralph however, could not forgive the evil woman who took his heart.

4: It protects from the Liberalness.

Ralph became fixated on the Clintons and their evil. He knew for a fact that they were spying on him now. He knew that PIAPS' libtard husband feared his manly prowess. Then one day he had an epiphany whilst inspecting his cone shaped cranium in the mirror.

A box of Reynolds Wrap later, he could finally plot in peace.

He began to scrimp and save for another bid at the presidency. This time he would not be denied! Working in his basement, surrounded by his arsenal and his Pit Bulls, he thought manly thoughts as hard as he could think. Finally after 7 years of waiting he knew what he must do.....

HE MUST GO VIRAL ON THE INTERNET!

He bought a computer. In that year the Libtard was facing off against a real American by the name of George Bush. Ralph was in a quandry, as here was a man who fit Ralph in almost every way. Some ISLAMOFASCISTS attacked America in the first year of this newcomer's watch, and Ralph was stunned by the honorable and incredibly decisive actions taken. Certainly it stung Ralph to hear him being called "America's Greatest President", but that soon passed as war was instigated in two areas of the world that were filled with FREEDOM-HATERS.

Ralph began to pray unceasingly to Gawd for what to do. Days upon days passed whilst Ralph sought his Gawd's directive. All he could do was make T-shirts and pray. He didn't even stop to bathe (As acknowledged by coworkers which this biographer spoke to. As one coworker who knew Ralph day to day would tell me, "He's a fucking nasty son of a bitch. I hope he dies."). After 3 months of solid seeking, Ralph had his answer! This was the John the Baptist to his Christ! This man, this Bush, was the precursor to Ralph's conquering of the great libtard nation! He would support him fully.

Ralph got up, turned on his computer and began to berate those evil libtards. He praised this Bush, supported his every action. Even the fart-lighting was needed:

"IT'S INCENSE TO GAWD! AMERICA'S (SECOND) GREATEST PRESIDENT! YOU LIBTARDS CAN'T EVEN THINK! GAWD-HATE, FREEDOM-HATE!...."

Even so, Ralph realized that this president had flaws. He was not the perfection that Ralph was. Ralph continued his support however, knowing that he was building his name and base. Eight years rolled by while Ralph studiously defended and lauded this second best man, while he built his empire.

Then in 2008, the election came round and Ralph decided that he no longer needed the old remnants of his former life. He emulated a Libtard he'd read about, and made his name monosyllabic (PRINCE). From that time on, he was no longer Ralph DiddleFiddle, but just RALPH the PROPHET!

Ralph now has a rabid following, and his bid for the presidency of America is coming to fruition. Like a weed growing through the tough concrete of Ohio's ghetto, he's standing tall for all that is RIGHT and HOLY in America.

5: In closing.

In the writing of this piece, I have been approached by many Democraps asking me some of the most foolish questions. Like:

"Who is RALPH?"

"Is he insane?"

"Why does he have a tinfoil hat?"

But the most incredible question, the most foolish, is the one that was asked me by a young Demotard in Montana:

"What makes you think he can defeat us, the LIBTARD ARMY?"

Such a moronic question deserves no answer, but I gave him the truth anyway to teach this socialist-commie demon:

"BECAUSE RALPH SAYS SO! LIBTARDS CAN'T EVEN THINK!"

And with that, I hail America's Greatest President in Waiting!

NEWS FLASH! Konservo On the Map in New Hampshire

2008-01-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

They love him in Littleton; he's knocked 'em dead in Nashua; he's the Pride of Portsmouth, the King of Concord. I am referring of course, to Konservo, who won 1,735 votes in the New Hampshire primary.

"Which is about 1,734 more than I’d expected," said superblogger Zen Caviar, shaking his head. "For someone who’s only been campaigning for a month, and whose favorite outfit is gold lamé with a mink stole, and whose main campaign promise is to index all worldwide currencies to diamond jewelry - this is positively earth-shaking - it's cataclysmic - the man is a veritable tsunami!"

The candidate himself was astonished. Speaking from the Naswa Resort in Weirs Beach, he repeatedly wiped the tears from his cheeks as he gushed, "You are wonderful! Wonderful! I love you from the bottom of my heart! I want to hug and kiss you all, I want to make love to all of you! You've given meaning and purpose to my life! I see God in all your faces!" He stopped to wipe his eyes and sip from his glass of champagne; then, hitching his skirt up above his knees and turning to wiggle his butt at the crowd, he added, "Hey, Ralphy! Are you listening? I am a star! Spread that on your doughnut and eat it!"

We don’t have RALPH’s reaction. When last seen, he was putting copies of The Morning After on windshields at Dubois Mall in Dubois, Pennsylvania - and later running madly as two policemen pursued him down Bee Line Highway.

On a Slow Trailer to New Hampshire

2008-01-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

Does the tortoise always win the race? If so, RALPH is the undisputed front runner. Though the New Hampshire Primary is tomorrow, he has yet to even reach the state, let alone start campaigning.

When his campaign trailer reached Cleveland, sometime on Friday, the Candidate began finding a number of pretexts to stop. "He stopped for coffee three times in an hour; the next hour he stopped to go to the washroom seven times," said a campaign insider who wouldn’t give his name. "Now his detractors might accuse him of getting cold feet, but think about it. Coffee - washrooms. Eh?"

Campaign Blat, accompanying Konservo on the piano at a stump speech in Plymouth, New Hampshire, wasn’t so charitable. "He’s scared to set foot in New York or New England. You know - PIAPS country. Hotbeds of liberalism. Everyone out to get him, even more than usual."

By Saturday evening RALPH’s had reached western Pennsylvania, where they stopped at the Elephant and Castle in Grove City for dinner. Perhaps it was anxiety, fuelled by a few pints of draft, that caused him to suddenly climb atop the bar and rant:

"PIAPS IS COMING!!! PIAPS IS COMING!!! I AM RISKING MY LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS TO WARN AMERICA!! PROTECT YOUR COMMUNITY, YOUR FAMILIES AND YOUR PETS!! HER AGENTS ARE EVERYWHERE!! THE KING OF NORWAY IS HER AGENT!! THE POPE IS HER AGENT!! MIKE HUCKABEE IS HER AGENT!! EVEN SANTA CLAUS IS HER AGENT!! THERE IS NO SAFETY ANYWHERE FOR THOSE WHO LOVE AMERICA!!!"

"I ENTREAT YOU ALL TO TAKE ACTION!! HANG SIGNS ON HIGHWAY OVERPASSES, ROOF TOP AND PIAPS-RALLY LOCATIONS: "9/11 WAS A PIAPS JOB", OSAMA LOVES PIAPS" ET CETERA. TAKE THE COPY OF THE MORNING AFTER WHICH IS EVEN NOW BEING HANDED OUT BY MEMBERS OF MY CAMPAIGN TEAM, AND TAKE IT TO YOUR PASTORS. URGE THEM TO ORGANIZE STUDIES OF DANIEL AND REVELATIONS, USING THE MORNING AFTER AS A STUDY GUIDE!!!!! FORWARD IT TO YOUR LOST FRIENDS!!!! I CANNOT OVERESTIMATE THE DANGER TO AMERICA!! TAKE ACTION NOW AND..." but the remainder of his speech was lost in a chorus of gasps and guffaws as the other patrons began reading the sheafs of paper that had just been put into their hands.

After dinner RALPH left town, which was just as well; because complaints were coming in from furious shoppers at Prime Outlets, who had returned to their cars to find "The Morning After" on the windshields. "My ten-year-old daughter took a look at it before I could stop her," wailed one woman. "Now she can’t stop talking about that horrible strap-on - thing! She’ll be scarred for life! I’m going to have to put her on Risperdal. Whoever did this is a menace! He should be locked away for life!"

He appears to be headed eastward on I-76, into the Appalachians.

"He doesn't want to face me," was Konservo's opinion. "He knows that I’ll knock him dead in my purple velvet gown, and he can't even find a comb, let alone a good make-up artist. Come ON, sweetie - I dare you! Come to New Hampshire and look me in the eye!"

California Blat was unavailable for comment, having left Palm Springs early this morning, headed in the general direction of Bakersfield. Hiram T. Peashucker, speaking on his behalf, said: "I done give up tryin to understand Ralphy. Don’t care about him no more anyway. We been havin' us the time of our lives here in Palm Springs. My hotel room is bigger’n my whole cabin back in Copperhead Gulch. I brung my wife out here and she’s been havin’ a great time too, now she’s stopped lookin’ for the outhouse. We’re gonna bide here a little longer - RALPH kin do what he wants."

Press Office Announcement: RALPH Offers 2008 Predictions

2008-01-05T01:12:00.000-08:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL RALPH DETAILS 2008 PREDICTIONS

Trailer, en route to New Hampshire…5 January 2008...1:15AM PST

Not to be outdone by Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, whose annual revelations from his traditional New Year’s chit-chat with the Supreme Being were announced earlier this week, Presidential Candidate RALPH of the troubled Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign recently spent an hour in the men’s room of the Plaid Pantry attached to the nearest Shell station, and emerged with a set of astonishing predictions for the year ahead. His formal announcement was released at the Super 8 Motel on Interstate 80 in Mishawaka, Indiana, where the candidate’s Winnebago made a brief stop en route to further campaign events in New Hampshire prior to this coming Tuesday’s primary.

Perhaps inspired by the surroundings of his impromptu retreat, RALPH stated that it had been revealed to him that numerous political figures and celebrities besides Idaho Senator Larry Craig would come forward as having “a wide stance” in 2008. Among the names mentioned by the candidate were Michael Jackson, Donald Trump, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Madonna, and Sanjaya Malakar of American Idol fame. He went on to suggest that these luminaries would give up their careers – such as they presently are – to form a percussion band based on synchronized toe-tapping.

RALPH also had harsh and cautionary words for the nation’s doting pet owners, urging all American families to protect their domestic animals by keeping them in windowless rooms reinforced with plastic tarps and duct tape. “PIAPS AND HER FREAKING DOUGHNUT-BUMPING HORDES CAN STRIKE AT ANY TIME,” he stated for the record, “AND IT WON’T MATTER TO HER WHETHER IT’S A PARAKEET, A POMERANIAN OR A PORPOISE – SHE’LL STOP AT NOTHING!!” He added that our precious pets should also have access to “Life Alert” buttons, “OnStar” GPS assistance, the remarkable stick-on “Handy Switch” and be able to use “The Clapper” to turn lights off and on in their sealed bunkers. (One reporter, speaking out of order, asked how creatures without opposable thumbs or basic English language skills would be able to take advantage of these devices; RALPH immediately dispatched newly-hired campaign consultant Billy Mays to take the presumptious journalist down under a barrage of OxiClean and KABOOM!)

The price of oil was another concern addressed by RALPH. “THE LORD HAS TOLD ME THAT WE MUST ALL SWITCH TO OLIVE OIL TO POWER OUR VEHICLES!” he insisted, going on to show an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” commercial on his cell phone and extolling the virtues of all things Mediterranean. On a related subject, he stated that God wants all new SUVs to be capable of transforming themselves into hovercraft, submarines and helicopters, “EVERYONE KNOWS JESUS WANTS TO TRANSFORM US, SO THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO DRIVE TRANSFORMERS!!!” Naturally, he advocated a substantial tax credit for new buyers of such multi-purpose vehicles.

On the subject of terrorism, RALPH’s predictions were less definitive. “WE CANNOT AFFORD TO BE LUKEWARM! LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!!! ABOUT TERRORISM. JIHAD-SITES AND DEMLIB BLOGS CONTINUE TO INCITE RALPH-HATE, RAPTURE-HATE, THE-MORNING-AFTER-HATE AND INSIGHTFUL-MINISTRY-AND-REPORTING-HATE ON A GLOBAL SCALE!!!! ALL POSTS THAT DO NOT APPEAR COMPLETELY IN CAPS ARE SUSPECT!!!! NOT TO MENTION EXPOSED!!!!!!!!” He did suggest that a blogger failing to pay at a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru sometime during 2008 was a strong possibility, as was that the sun would continue to rise in the East at earlier and earlier times during the months to come…until the latter part of June, when the trend would alarmingly reverse itself. He cited Revelations and Daniel as the source for this amazing discovery.

Were any particular cities or regions under an unusually grave terror threat? After noting the usual suspects such as San Francisco, the Pacific Northwest, New England, and in general all other worldwide locations not considered U.S. territories, RALPH then stunned the press corps by specifically calling out Pretty Prairie, Kansas (pop. 615) as a “HIGH-PROFILE TARGET,” urging the diversion not just of several military units to the town’s protection, but also the marshalling of numerous Polly Pocket playsets from Mattel, apparently in the hope that the alliterative similarity would confuse any terrorist organization, thus containing the damage to a massive meltdown of orange and purple plastics.

RALPH refused to elaborate on any of these prophecies or to answer any questions regarding the burgeoning challenge by his estranged adherent Konservo for the Troll Party nomination. He paused only long enough to unveil a banner reading “AMERICAPHILE!!!!! R O T F L M A O!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!” on an I-80 freeway overpass before continuing his journey.

Reporters seeking Konservo out for direct comment on RALPH’s press conference were unable to converse in person, as Konservo had wrangled a lift to New Hampshire aboard Fred Thompson’s private jet, promising Thompson’s glamorous trophy wife Jeri the manicure of a lifetime and lots of dishy in-flight gossip. However, they did reach him briefly via cell phone just upon arrival in Concord, New Hampshire. Konservo offered his own predictions for 2008, including that rich plum would be the “new black” for the autumn campaign season, that Les Mis would finally close on Broadway early in the New Year, and that not only would Britney Spears regain custody of her children by Spring, but that they would all shave their heads as a family and join the Hare Krishnas, inspiring a new saffron yellow trend for summer. He added that RALPH’s proposed economic stimulus package was “hogwash” and that his own proposed plan to index all worldwide currencies to diamond jewelry was “simply the ONLY way to go, dah-ling.”

# # # #

Campaign 08: the Rhetoric Begins

2007-12-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

With 2008 almost under way, and only four days to go before the Iowa caucuses, Troll Party candidates RALPH and Konservo are scarfing up the last of their plum pudding and hitting the election trail. And as the temperature drops, the rhetoric has risen.

Konservo, who claims to have spent Christmas in Jay Peak sharing a turkey with a “simply divine” accident-liability lawyer (he won’t divulge the name but says “I’m sure you’ve seen his ad on TV, and believe me, he’s much nicer looking in person”) has returned to New Hampshire where he’s concentrating his efforts.

He’s now daring RALPH to hold a public debate with him. “Ralphikins has not had any competition until now. So let's see how he performs when he and I are at the podium together. I hope he’s not a little fraidy cat. What’s there to be scared of? He won’t see any pantsuits on me - my divine Andre would rather sleep on a bed of cow-muck than design a pantsuit for anyone. You should see the glorious purple velvet gown he’s making me for the debates! RALPH won’t come be able to come near it. He’ll be Nixon to my Kennedy; Shrek to my Princess!”

To which RALPH replied, from his trailer outside Council Bluffs, Iowa: “WHAT IS KONSERVO’S PLATFORM?! HE DOESN’T HAVE A STAND ON ANYTHING EXCEPT HIS SIX-INCH HEELS!! HE HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!!!! NOW, EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE I STAND!! I AM THE RAPTURE MAN! RAPTURE MAN!! RAPTURE RAPTURE RAPTURE MAN!!!”

RALPH did not say what he’d been doing over the holidays, but he denied rumors that he had been turned into a gold statuette. “THAT’S A LIE SPREAD BY SOME LIBTARD LOVER OF SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING PIAPS, ON THE JIHADIST NEWSHOUND FORUM!! I AM ALIVE AND WELL AND THERE’S NOTHING GOLD ABOUT ME!!”

Will the rhetoric result in an actual debate? Stay tuned.

Holiday Greetings from the Troll Party

2007-12-20T19:14:00.000-08:00

The campaign staff of Ralph/Blat 2008 is pleased to offer you the greetings of the season with this holiday treat! (Our thanks to staffer UKLD for the widget.)

Konservo Throws his Hat into the Ring!!

2007-12-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

RALPH watch out! You have a rival in the race for the Troll Party nomination! Someone who once worshipped the ground you walked on is even now slipping a knife between your shoulder blades.

Last night as patrons at Michael Timothy’s Urban Bistro in Nashua, New Hampshire, were finishing their dinners and sipping their Grand Marniers, a diner in a red silk sheath dress trimmed with white fur, who had hitherto sat quietly in a corner with a nondescript companion, demolishing a Mu Shu Duck Pizza, suddenly rose, leaped onto the table, and hitched his skirt above his knees.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" he cooed. "Thank you for being here, rather than down at Hollis Pharmacy shaking hands with John McCain. For your reward, I have come to deliver a political message you will never forget. I am Konservo the Great, and I am officially announcing my intention to challenge RALPH for the Troll Party nomination. "

Expressions of astonishment (or something) from the patrons.

"Who is RALPH, you may ask?" Konservo continued. "And well may you ask! RALPH, hitherto the sole candidate for the Troll Party, has decided to shirk his responsibilities. He has gone into hiding in the foothills of Montana. He’s been there so long everyone has forgotten who he is. And why? Because he’s afraid of Hillary Clinton!" His nondescript companion lifted his head from the pizza and gave a derisive hoot. "Oh, thanks for reminding me. This is running mate, Campaign Blat. And I share his sentiments. RALPH is a chicken-heart. RALPH is a fraidy little boy! I, on the other hand, am afraid of nobody. I will never hide behind barbed wire or guard dogs, not from Senator Clinton or anyone else. I have taken the motto of your fair state for my inspiration, as I shall illustrate. Mr. Vice-President: Strangers in the Night. Hit it." And while Campaign Blat accompanied him at the piano, Konservo began to croon:

I'll live free or die,

Here in New Hampshire

I'll live free or die!

You know you can't fear

That I'll let you down -

I love you heart and soul.

I'm the one to choose

In January;

Don't you go for Ralph -

He's really scary.

Vote for me instead

'Cause I'm the perfect troll.

I'll live free or die!

Give me your confidence and I'll live free or die!

But if you should decide that

You won't vote for me,

I promise solemnly,

I will climb the Great Stone Face

And hurl myself out into space...

Kiss old Ralph goodbye -

He's such a wiener.

You know I'm your guy,

A real keener.

Raise my banner high,

And we'll live free or die!

Dooby dooby doo
Doo doo-doo dee-dah
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo..

That’s what you’re full of!" shouted a diner, throwing a piece of bruschetta at Konservo. Before long the air was thick with biscotti, garlic bread and pepperoni, while the New Candidate danced in the aisles chanting, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" An alarmed waiter called the police; but by the time they got to the restaurant the mood had changed; Konservo was sashaying between the tables, leading the customers in a chorus of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," and everyone was enjoying themselves thoroughly.

"He’s cool," said diner Melanie Waite as she emerged from the restaurant. "I don’t care which party he represents, he’s got my vote." Other diners interviewed by this reporter echoed her sentiments.

RALPH’s reaction can only be guessed at.

While Ralph Hides Away, Will his Foes Win the Day?

2007-11-29T14:48:00.000-08:00

The standoff in Big Sky Country has ended, and California Blat appears to have had the edge.

After several days of uneventful stalemate, the BlatMan simply shrugged and called out, "I'm hittin' the road. It's getting too dull up here. But I think you’d better show your face, Ralphy, because we have no idea what’s going on while you're in hiding. Campaign Blat has flown the coop, and we don’t know where he is. Kate Stone sent him a ticket to Minneapolis, but he never got off the plane. And we don’t know where Konservo is either. Maybe those two are in the same place. What would that do to your campaign? Think about it." Then he took out his guitar and sang to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel":

Go and get ‘em, Ralphy.
Hang in strong and tough.
Go out and show America
You’re made of hardy stuff.

Go out and be a hero,
(A mighty hero)
And not a big fat zero,
Ralphy boy.

And he climbed into his truck. To RALPH’s utter fury and terror, all seven Rottweilers leaped in with him, and as he drove away they could be heard yelping happily.

So that’s where it stands right now. RALPH is cringing behind what’s left of his security perimeter, resisting the efforts of Über Troll and the Sonny Brothers to cheer him up or coax him out. Will he come out again by Christmas? And what, if anything, will Campaign Blat and Konservo get up to?

This just in: Cletus S. Knothole, speaking on behalf of the Moment-Men ("‘cause Hiram’s too drunk") made the following remarkable statement: "You know, if we had our way, it’d be Californy Blat runnin’ for President ‘stead of that RALPH character. Kin RALPH dodge bullets? Or turn hisself into a vulture? Or make money come out of a baseball cap? Think about it - with that baseball cap, Californy Blat could make the damn trillion-dollar defissit just (snaps fingers) vanish, iffen he was President."

A bit of idle speculation, or a genuine pointy knife sticking out of RALPH’s back? We shall see.

Showdown in Big Sky Country: The Tempter at the Gate

2007-11-22T13:47:00.000-08:00

We've just had an update on the confrontation in Montana, between RALPH and California Blat.

In their attempt to waste California Blat, the Candidate and his followers used up all the ammunition in their Montana compound, including the "Terminator" reloads, mini-smart bombs, super-duper grenades and even the Windex refill and the can of Raid. But when it was all over, the intruder simply shook the dust out of his hair and said, "Well, if you’re not going to invite me to dinner, I guess I’ll crash in the back of my truck."

Ah-hah, said RALPH, I’ll nail him when he’s asleep. But to his chagrin the seven Rottweilers all bounded after California Blat, climbed with him into the truck and curled themselves around him like a living blanket, licking his ears and growling menacingly whenever anyone else came near.

The next morning California Blat emerged with a few stale crumbs of bread in the palm of one hand; with his snap of his fingers he turned them into a plate loaded with bacon, hash browns and scrambled eggs, and a huge mug filled with coffee. "Hey, Ralph!" he called, "Smells good, doesn't it? I can make you some too if you’d like, because I love you. I love the world!"

It was Sonny White who replied: "We have our own! Now get lost, Huggy Bear!"

"Not yet," replied the unwanted guest. "Not till I’ve told RALPH what I came to say."

When three hours had passed without the Candidate responding to the challenge, Blat gave in and called: "RALPH! What happened to your campaign? Where’s your duty to the American people? Don't you want to save them from You Know Who? You’ve been invited to participate in all the candidates’ debates, Republican and Democratic. That’s right - both national committees agreed to it, after the Newshounds of the Caribbean dropped all their other demands. They were so sick of Bill O’Reilly they said they’d pay a bargain price just to get rid of him. Isn’t that wonderful? You saved Bill O’Reilly! Now follow it up by saving America!"

No reply, though one could hear, from inside the house, screams of "RAPTURE!!" and "PULVERIZE THE DEFEATOCRATS!" punctuated by excerpts from the "Ride of the Valkyries" and "Smoke on the Water", and by other noises that might have been a pressure cooker exploding and a La-Z-Boy being thrown against the wall.

"The New Hampshire primary is only six weeks away, Ralphy!" his tormentor continued. "Why don’t you put aside your fears and put together a policy platform and show them you're not afraid of PIAPS or anyone else?"

He went on in the same vein without result until evening, when he retired with the Rottweilers to the back of the truck again. Soon afterward those in the house could smell pizza baking in a wood oven, and hear California Blat singing plaintively as he plucked on his guitar:

There’s a RALPHY who’s sure
That he’s bound for Rapture,
And he’s buying a stairway to heaven.

But while he hides away
All his foes win the day,
And he’ll see Campaign Blat in the White House.

Oooooooooooh, (chorus of baying Rottweilers)
And it makes me wonder...

The standoff continues.

Ralph: Defending our pets from PIPAS

2007-11-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

FOX News' 'esteemed journalist' and 'Great American' Sean Hannity blows the whistle on Slick Willies shocking and disturbing ritual of animal abuse in his days as Commander-in-Chief!

I want to go back to this. On the eve of your testimony in the Paula Jones case, there was — you lost your cat. And there was somebody came up to you, a stranger, and mentioned...

WILLEY: He had run away, or he had — just turned up missing.

HANNITY: Your cat did. But you ran into a stranger who mentioned the loss of your cat, and your cat's name, and your children by name.

WILLEY: I didn't run into him. He approached me one morning. He alluded to the fact. He alluded to my cat by name in the past tense. He said, "How is that — how is — he was a nice cat." He said, "That Bullseye was a nice cat."

Of course, since we all know that America's Newsroom is being silenced by the liberal press and Media Matters, Ralph showed the courage and the patriotism of a leader by posting the truth on his blog that is read by many across the U.S. & Canada (and when we mean, read by many across the U.S. and Canada, we mean the eight of us who have started this campaign blog, one hails from Canada). Ralph Gives his fellow Americans some tips on how to defend their pets.

• NEVER LEAVE YOUR PET OUTDOORS UNATTENDED!!!!

• BE PREPARED TO EXERCISE YOUR 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS!!!!

• EQUIP THE PARAMETERS OF YOUR HOME WITH SURVEILLANCE TECHNOLOGY!!!

• FIND THE DEFEATOCRAT CLUBHOUSE NEAREST YOU!!! CALL THEM AND PUT THEM ON NOTICE!!! LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU KNOW!!!! THEY ARE COWARDS AND WILL PROBABLY BACK OFF!!!!

• CALL YOUR LOCAL BOARD OF ELECTIONS!!! ACQUIRE THE LIST OF REGISTERED VOTERS FOR YOUR ELECTION DISTRICT!!!! BECOME AWARE OF THOSE WHO ARE DEMLIBS!!!! KEEP YOUR PETS AWAY FROM THESE ADDRESSES!!!! ALERT YOUR LOCAL POLICE, ASPCA, NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, FAMILY MEMBERS AND NEIGHBORS OF THE RISKS TO PETS IN YOUR AREAS!!!!

No word yet if Ralph plans on attacking Former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist for his conduct against the felines during medical school.

Showdown in Big Sky Country: or, You Can Run but You Can't Hide

2007-11-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

By Kate Stone
From No Stone Unturned, Friday, November 16. Reprinted without permission.

It was only a few lines in the Great Falls (Montana) Tribune, but they drew my eye as if by second sight. It was an account of a brawl that began when a dusty stranger staggered into the bar of John Henry’s Restaurant in Choteau, gasped out a request for a double Jack Daniels, and added, "I’ve just seen my own face. Holy shit." When other patrons asked if he was nuts, he replied, "I’m a Vice Presidential candidate!" Things reportedly went downhill from there.

It didn’t take me long to figure out who the stranger was. Finding his cell number still programmed into my BlackBerry, I speed-dialled it without waiting to finish my decaf latte. Campaign Blat answered almost at once. He told me he was sitting in the Great Falls Library with his face buried in a magazine. He was terrified "they" would find him, and he begged me to loan him money so he could get away. I agreed to book him a plane ticket if he’d tell me what had happened, and this is his story:

He and RALPH and the rest of the campaign entourage had been hiding at a ranch in the foothills between Choteau and the Bob Marshall Wilderness Area (he refused to disclose the exact location, saying "You'd never get there alive.") The previous afternoon, as RALPH was checking the CCTV camera in the bathroom, a red, white and blue GMC Sierra roared straight across country and up to the ranch gates, its driver singing at the top of his voice, "You know that I was born a ramblin’ maaaaaan." Of course the truck activated the movement sensors around the compound, triggering the security device fondly known as "The Terminator’. But when the explosion and clouds of flame had subsided, the truck emerged, completely undamaged, gunned through the gate and came to a screeching stop in front of the ranch-house door.

"Then I stepped out," said Campaign Blat in awe. "At least that’s what I thought at first. This guy who looked exactly like me, except for the beard and bare feet, got out of the car and sang out, ‘Hello Ralpheee. You were looking for me?’ It took me a while to realize I was looking at the legendary California Blat."

RALPH turned the seven Rottweilers loose, but California Blat simply raised his hands and they stopped dead and slunk away with their tails between their legs. Then the seven militiamen RALPH had hired to guard the Rottweilers let loose a barrage of machine-gun fire. California Blat simply stood calmly with his hands in the air and, in Campaign Blat’s words, "the bullets went right through him and he didn’t even move. He just smiled and said, ‘you’ll have to do a little better than that.'"

Then, according to Campaign Blat, "all hell broke loose. The militiamen were blasting away with their Uzis and throwing hand grenades, while RALPH was inside bounding from window to window screaming, "BASTARD!!! RUN OUT ON ME AND STEAL MY MOMENT-MEN, WOULD YOU?!! AMERICA IS ON TO YOU, YOU TREE-HUGGING, BIN-LADEN-KISSING ASSWIPE!!!! YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE ALIVE TO CARRY TALES TO YOUR SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING MASTER!!!" And more to that effect. Then he grabbed a semi-automatic and started exercising his Second Amendment rights without looking where he was shooting. Bullets were smashing into the windows and bouncing off the walls and I was afraid for my life. I got out of there so fast - with all the ruckus, no one even saw me leave. I ran all the way to Choteau. Can you please help me get out of here?"

I booked a plane ticket for him to Minneapolis. I want to get more out of him. Why is RALPH hiding in the wilderness instead of running his campaign? What does he think of the Konservo incident? And what is California Blat’s purpose in forcing a showdown with RALPH?

As soon as I find out answers, you’ll be the first to know, dear readers.

Konservo Charges Dismissed! Paulose Connection Rumored in Surprise Turnaround

2007-11-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

Shocked followers of the Metropolitan Airports Commission v. “Konservo” case in Minnesota’s Fourth District Court learned today, through a statement jointly issued by defense attorney Kjell-Olaf Yakimoto and prosecuting attorney Thomas Anderson, that all charges have been dropped in the bizarre legal standoff centering around Konservo's alleged occupation and vandalism of a Minneapolis/St. Paul airport restroom in the wake of Larry Craig's wide-stanced indiscretions.

Anderson, representing the Metropolitan Airports Commission, was terse in his commentary, stating only that the MAC had agreed to drop all charges in return for a settlement "the terms of which are not intended for public disclosure."

Yakimoto was somewhat more expansive, declaring that the agreement was "a victory for freedom of expression" and a vindication of his client's "completely innocent and, indeed, patriotic" motives.

Kate Stone, citizen journalist and author of the popular No Stone Unturned column, asked of Yakimoto: "Will your client be making any statements directly to the public?"

Yakimoto was about to respond when, at the top of the courthouse stairs, Konservo appeared, still clutching his prize Swiffer™ despite the toilet brush - previously entered as evidence - having been returned to him. He was clad in a sultry magenta satin gown and posed elaborately for photographers and reporters as he descended the steps. Yakimoto was seen to shake his head in embarrassment and scuttle through the press crowd, muttering "No further questions, no further questions..." Anderson had already left the scene upon Konservo's arrival.

Stone positioned herself at the forefront of the gaggle as Konservo arrived. "Can you tell us anything about the terms of your release?" she pressed.

Konservo flirtatiously tossed his mop of coarse, gray hair back over one shoulder and purred, "Dah-ling, if I did that, I'd have to kill you, wouldn't I? The terms are so...so naughty!"

The presence of the press corps prevented him from performing a can-can on the steps, despite an abortive attempt. Damp weather also hampered Konservo's stilettos.

"Where will you be going next?" gushed a reporter from Capital Xtra, which has been following Konservo's meteoric rise since his groundbreaking appearance on the Ottawa club scene.

"Well, I'm trying to keep my options open," Konservo murmured, adjusting the reporter's tie with a gesture that prompted a spontaneous blush. "I may head westward. I understand that my dear friend and prospective President RALPH is having some issues with an old and beloved friend. Maybe I can mediate between them. You know - be the third party in the scenario, if you follow me?"

"And now," continued Konservo, gripping the Swiffer™ in lieu of a microphone and tossing the toilet brush theatrically to a CNN correspondent (who caught it with reluctance and gingerly set it down on the concrete), "Now, it's time for a song!":

The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be Ser-vo!
The boy raking in the chips
Is gonna be Ser-vo!

I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means
Somebody everyone knows
They('re) gonna recognize my eyes
My brush my name my quirks my hose

From just some wingnut blogger guy
I'm gonna be Ser-vo!
Who says that stalking's not a thrill?

And who in case he doesn't hang
Can prove he started with a bang?
Ser-vo...the riiiight-wiiiing shill!

Konservo departed the scene via taxi, blowing kisses and waving.

Pressed for commentary by media later the same day, Judge Pamela G. Alexander, presiding over the unusual case, reluctantly confirmed rumors that the settlement included an agreement for Konservo to perform his drag act at the Metropolitan Airports Commission's annual holiday party; but she also - perhaps significantly - could not be persuaded to confirm the companion rumor that controversial U.S. Attorney appointee Rachel Paulose and Konservo had been an "item," early in the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign, or that intervention by then-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales specifically at Jeff Gannon's instigation had been a factor in Paulose's appointment.

Konservo was last sighted boarding a Greyhound bus heading west.

Neither the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign nor California Blat had provided on-the-record commentary at press time.

"If You Want Bill, Give us RALPH", Pirates Demand

2007-11-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

We are trying to find out RALPH's reaction to being named in a ransom demand originating somewhere off the coast of Jamaica.

According to news reports, pirates ransacked the National Review cruise ship on Hallowe’en night and kidnapped its keynote speaker, talk-show host Bill O’Reilly. The ship itself docked in Kingston, Jamaica on Thursday morning, and the country’s newspapers are still plastered with photos of the well-fed and blue-rinsed passengers coming ashore clad only in their underwear. "How the Mighty have Fallen!" trumpeted the Jamaica Daily Star. (Michelle Malkin is fighting to suppress the photo of herself in a leopard-skin string bikini and six-inch heels. "They aren’t mine," she claims. "The pirates made me put them on.")

A group calling itself the Newshounds of the Caribbean has claimed responsibility. Yesterday the group released a grainy video of Mr. O’Reilly, bound and gagged and clad only in loofahs. Its spokesman, who went by the name of "IB Blackheart", has made the following demands in exchange for Mr. O’Reilly’s release:

President Bush must wear Mickey Mouse ears during his next state appearance;
Dick Cheney must appear on The View, and sing "Feelings" while hugging a Teddy Bear; and
RALPH must be included in all Presidential debates, both Democrat and Republican.

We have not yet heard the Candidate’s reaction to being named in the pirates’ demands. He was last seen somewhere in western Kansas, presumably on his way to Arizona for a showdown with California Blat; however, he has not appeared in public since the California fires began. According to Campaign Blat he is hiding in a bunker in an undisclosed location, guarded by seven Rotweilers and twenty-four security cameras. "He knows what a target he is. Those of us who risk our lives on a daily basis doing this important and vital work must protect ourselves from PIAPS' agents."

We’ll let you know as soon as we learn more.

Lephari and the Pirate Raid

2007-10-31T16:57:00.001-07:00

Tis midnight on the Caribbean Sea.
The cruise ship of the National Review
Lies dark and quiet ‘neath a sultry moon.
The passengers have knelt and thanked their Lord
That they are white, American and rich,
And now they sleep and dream they rule the world.
So deep asleep, they're fully unaware
That in the darkest hours of the night
The Snakeskin Bentley slithers alongside,
And Newshound PbDs and PsDs
Throw grappling-hooks attached to hempen ladders
Up to the cruise-ship’s rails, and start to climb.
Lo! Foremost, with a cutlass in his teeth,
Goes Jonathan the Terror of the Seas,
Though youngest, not the least in fortitude.
And close behind him climb ET the Blue,
Robosa with his monkey, Flying Roachman,
And all the Newshounds of the Caribbean,
All softly chanting, "Get O’Reilly's ass."

Meanwhile, Lephari, locked inside the hold,
Rants loud, and shrieks, and hammers on the door.
"WAKE UP, ALL YE WHO LOVE AMERICA!!!
THE VILE AND STINKING LIBTARDS ARE UPON YOU!!"
But Dead-Eye Ori’s cast a spell of silence
Upon the hold, and only Baskerville,
The tireless Newshound guard, can hear his voice.
At last he gives it up, and screams no more.
He finds his keys, forgotten in his pocket,
Upon a key-chain with a tiny flashlight.
He turns it on, and scans his prison cell.
My God, it’s full of loot! He’s sitting on
A pile of gold doubloons! He’s leaning on
A seven-foot TV, and at his feet
Lie jewels in profusion. He can stuff
Whole handfuls in his pockets (which he does.)
And, noticeably plain among the bling,
He finds a terra-cotta pottery shard,
The rim perhaps of long-lost bowl or jar.
He picks it up, and much to his surprise,
He sees engraved upon it, bold and black,
The three words: JARLSBERG. INVERT. COMFORTER.
Though he has no idea what they mean
He puts it in his pocket.

Here they come,

The Newshounds, weighted down with pirate loot!
The cruise ship’s steaming terrified away,
Its passengers stripped to their underwear;
One prisoner they carry, bound and gagged -
‘Tis Bill O’Reilly! Glorious trophy he!
Lephari’s prison opens. "Come on out!"
Says Dead-eye Ori, "And enjoy the feast!
There’s wine and cheese, pate and jumbo shrimp.
There’s veal medallions and a fine risotto,
And you should see the shipload of desserts!
‘Tis food too good to waste on Bill O’Reilly!"
Ah, fain would our Lephari have refused,
But after hours in captivity,
His stomach rumbleth like a gravel truck.
"I’ll eat, and then I’ll save my hero Bill,"
He thinks, and leaves his prison.

On the beach

A merry party’s getting under way.
The air is filled with smell of roasting meat.
Fine wines and pungent brandies go around.
A roaring fire burns its merry way
Through copies of Ann Coulter’s latest book.
The Newshounds, clad in stolen finery,
Are dancing in a circle round the blaze,
While Jolly Nell upon the fiddle saws
And Vermont Davy Jones strums his guitar.
So hungry is Lephari that he grabs
The nearest cheese, and rounds of fresh baguette,
And shoves them in his mouth. But, hunger slaked,
He turns to seek O’Reilly. There he is!
Clad only in a garment made of loofahs,
Bound to a palm tree, gagged with videotape,
Which ever and anon he worketh loose
To yell, "You secular progressive swine,
You let me go! You let me go right now!"
To which the Newshounds holler, "Just shut up!"
"Admit it - you don’t really want to go,"
ET the Blue says sweetly. "Just the fact
That you’re still here means you’re enjoying it.
That’s your own logic." And the Newshounds sing,

Cut his mike and make him listen
Cut his mike and make him listen
Cut his mike and make him listen
Early in the morning.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS SAINTLY MAN?"
Lephari cries. ‘YOU JIHAD LIBTARDS VILE!
SO FULL OF HATRED FOR AMERICA!!
OF CHENEY-HATE, AND CONDOLEEZZA-HATE,
JOHN-HAGEE-HATE, SECOND-AMENDMENT-HATE,
AND JUST PLAIN HATE! HATE! HATE!! HATE!! HATE!!! HATE!!! HATE!!!!"
"Relax," replies the King of Lost Doubloons.
"We’re giving him a taste of his own meds.
Chill out, and have a glass of wine, and more
Of this extraordinary Jarlsberg cheese."
Lephari’s face turns purple. "JARLSBERG CHEESE!!?!?!?
ALAS FOR ME! FOR IN MY STARVING STATE
I’VE SWALLOWED VILE NORWEGIAN FOOD, THE DREGS
OF THAT FOUL WORKERS’ PARADISE, THAT DEN
OF TERRORIST, TREE-HUGGING, REINDEER-BUMPING,
HOSPITAL-SOCIALIZING, PIAPS-LOVING,
AMERICA-DESPISING VIKING SCUM!
I AM DEFILED! MY RED AMERICAN BLOOD
BEFOULED BY JARLSBERG! WOE, OH WOE IS ME!!!!
HOW SHALL I PURGE MYSELF?"

To be continued.

Courtroom Drama! Tempers Flare and Accusations Fly at Closed-Door Konservo Hearing!

2007-10-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

Colorful and dramatic reports were filed following the first day of hearings in Metropolitan Airports Commission v. “Konservo,” a landmark case being heard in Minnesota’s Fourth District Court before the bench of Judge Pamela G. Alexander.

Signs of the fireworks to come were clear at the very beginning of the closed-door hearing, with the defendant’s arrival. He appeared clad in an orange jumpsuit and slippers, desperately gripping a Swiffer™ duster in his cuffed hands. Defense counsel Kjell-Olaf Yakimoto reluctantly explained to the bench that his client had become so distraught without his toilet brush, on the walk to the courtroom he had snatched the Swiffer™ from a janitor’s cart and threatened violence and the Wrath Of Ralph on anyone who tried to take the item away from him, at one point nearly kicking a hole in the wall. Officers escorting the defendant added that they’d had enough difficulty getting him to leave the roll of toilet tissue in his holding cell – said effort having prompted the handcuffs and necessitated first aid for abrasions and a suspected sprained wrist in one officer’s case – and judged the Swiffer™ a benign risk. Judge Alexander agreed and the litigants were seated…Konservo lightly dusting the surface of the table and humming the title tune from Mame under his breath.

Prosecuting attorney Thomas Anderson of the MAC Legal Division asserted in opening statements that the defendant’s actions in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport restroom made famous by Senator Larry Craig's alleged indiscretions were just one step shy of domestic terrorism. “At a time of heightened risk, to take up a fortified position within an airport facility is clearly an act of provocation designed to engender fear in travelers and airport staff,” he opined. “Additionally, the use of the blow-up doll as part of the barricade was deeply offensive to many travelers as an element of public lewdness, and there was a high safety risk posed by the potato trail left by the defendant – particularly the raw peelings.” Anderson stated his intent to seek the full penalty for all charges, from the police standoff right down to the bathroom graffiti. Convictions on all counts could, taken together, result in a sentence of up to 15 years in prison and fines of over $250,000.

Rising to Konservo’s defense – after insisting that the defendant stop pounding on the tabletop calling for a karaoke performance – was defense counsel Yakimoto. He urged Judge Alexander to throw out the case, painting the incident as “clearly motivated by the defendant’s high admiration for Senator Craig and his contributions to the state of Idaho” and floating a trial balloon for a “performance art” explanation. When Judge Alexander stated that she found little artistic merit in Konservo’s airport antics, Yakimoto – with a barely-audible stage whisper to Konservo to “for God’s sake stay in your seat, you idiot!” – responded that art is in the eye of the beholder, entering for the record Konservo’s rave reviews from the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa. He concluded his remarks by suggesting that public service, perhaps janitorial given Konservo’s toilet-brush penchant, would be an acceptable compromise toward his client sidestepping more serious charges.

Speaking from the bench, Judge Alexander commented that in her 24 years of service in Minnesota courts, she had never before encountered quite so unusual a case, and in a rare breach of court protocol directly addressed the defendant, asking Konservo what he had to say for himself.

At this opportunity, Konservo leapt to his feet, waving the Swiffer™ triumphantly and singing in a somewhat grating falsetto:

I’m a grand old fag,
I’m in love with the flag,
And with Senators in restrooms galore!
They’re the emblem of
The stuff I love,
And I just can’t wait to get more!

Every foot taps true
Be you red, be you blue,
And Jeff Gannon’s jets never “lag.”
So should auld acquaintance be forgot,
Here’s a look at my grand old wag!

Having delivered the final line while shaking his backside energetically toward the bench, he then took an exaggerated bow, blowing kisses to all corners of the courtroom, proclaiming “I love you, Minneapolis! I love you! Ralph/Blat 2008!! Larry – CALL ME!!”

Then, as abruptly as his outburst began, the defendant seated himself again, placidly humming once again – this time, the tune appeared to be “The Way We Were” – and he set aside the Swiffer™ to absently doodle Senator Craig’s name on a notepad, dotting the “i” in Craig with a heart.

Judge Alexander immediately reprimanded defendant and counsel for a display unbecoming the court and recommended to Yakimoto that, prior to jury selection several days hence, he might want to consider the wisdom of a not-guilty-by-reason-of-insanity plea.

Konservo was escorted from the courtroom by the officers, tearfully clutching his Swiffer™ and saying “Hello, everybody. This…is…Mrs. Norman Maine…”

More as it develops in this groundbreaking legal case.

"They'll Never Take our Blat!" Arizonans vow

2007-10-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

The Arizona desert is boiling with outrage.

A rumor that RALPH is heading their way, spoiling for a showdown with California Blat, has the local plenty people upset. "He can’t do that," says Stacy Hernandez, a counter attendant at the McDonald’s in Winslow. "Blat’s our hero." she said. Tyler Blake, an attendant at the nearby Circle K gas station, was much blunter. "Anyone wants to fuck with him they’ll have to get by us first."

Plans are reportedly underway for a Live Blat benefit rally and concert, possibly in Grand Canyon Village. We’ll let you know more details, especially if they get Bono to appear.

No one is more outraged than the Moment-Men, currently sharing a house in Holbrook and living on the bounty of Blat’s magic baseball cap. "We ain’t gonna let Ralph git our man," Hiram told reporters flatly. "Blat jumped our roadblock but I bet you dollars to doughnuts Ralph ain’t got that kind of power."

In answer to further questions he added, "Eustace is out of hospital but he’s got one of them big cast things and he’s gotta keep it on for the next two months. He sits watchin’ them soap opries and that keeps him happy." Young Jesse Earl is not quite so sedentary; he’s been making the circuit of radio talk shows, elaborating on his theory that California Blat is Jesus Christ.

In other news - Konservo’s first court appearance in connection with his display at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport will take place shortly. His lawyer, Kjell-Olaf Yakimoto, thinks he can get his client off with community service. We await the outcome eagerly.

Ralph Urges Norwegian Boycott in Stump Appearances

2007-10-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

Following an extended campaign slump, news of the Nobel Peace Prize award to joint recipients Al Gore and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change appears to have reignited RALPH's campaign fervor, sending the candidate on a rapid-fire pilgrimage to Sons of Norway lodges throughout the Upper Midwest states. At these stops he issued variations on the following address:

"THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE IS IN NORWAY! THIS MEANS IT'S COMPOSED PRETTY MUCH OF NORWEGIANS!! NEVER MIND THAT THEIR COUNTRY IS AT THE TOP OF THE UNITED NATIONS RANKINGS IN THE HUMAN DEVELOPMENT INDEX - EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT U.S.A. IS NUMBER ONE!!!! AND THE NOBEL COMMITTEE HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE THAT PREEMINENCE AND TO SPIT IN THE FACE OF AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH BY AWARDING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE TO AL GORE, WHO ISN'T EVEN AN AMERICAN!!!!"

When an audience member at one stop interrupted to remind the candidate that Gore was in fact a United States Senator, a two-term Vice President and a Presidential candidate himself, as well as undeniably American, RALPH responded: "THAT'S VILE, SAPPHIC LIBTARDED PROPAGANDA! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT "GORE" IS WHAT HAPPENS DURING BULLFIGHTS, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!! SO GORE IS CLEARLY SPANISH!! OR MAYBE MEXICAN!! EITHER WAY, I DON'T WANT HIS SOCIALISTIC, PIAPS-LOVING HANDS PICKING MY LETTUCE!!!!!!!" He then dispatched Campaign Blat and Über Troll into the crowd to subdue and remove the questioner, which they accomplished using large bratwursts as clubs. The Sonny Brothers remained on the sidelines, eating corn on the cob.

RALPH then called for an immediate boycott of all things Norwegian. "ALL MY CAMPAIGN SUPPORTERS MUST IMMEDIATELY STOP LISTENING TO 'PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION'...ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT YOU WERE, WHICH I DOUBT...AND MUST ALSO EAT NO HERRING, LUTEFISK OR MEATBALLS!! GIVE YOUR JARLSBERG TO CHEESE-EATING, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SURRENDER MONKEYS WHO WILL LAP IT RIGHT UP!!! TURN IN YOUR F(J)ORDS AND START DRIVING SOMETHING AMERICAN, LIKE CHEVROLETS!!!!! (ONLY PRONOUNCE IT SHEV-RO-LETT: YOU DON'T WANT TO SOUND FRENCH.) DON'T GO ON CRUISES!! STAY AWAY FROM GRIEG AND MUNCH AND IBSEN, AND DON'T ALLOW THE DEMONIC DRINK AKVAVIT TO TOUCH YOUR LIPS!!!! DON'T LET YOUR CHILDREN BE VIKINGS FOR HALLOWEEN - SEND THEM OUT TO PROSELYTIZE WITH RAPTURE-READY TRACTS INSTEAD!!!! EVEN OKTOBERFEST IS SUSPECT - TOO CLOSE TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!"

Arriving for his final campaign stop at the Sons of Norway Nordmarka Lodge in Northfield, Minnesota, RALPH there unveiled the campaign video which is displayed earlier in this entry.

Skeptical members were not convinced. Lodge co-President Gerhard Knutson commented that, "This RALPH character seems delusional to me. His running mate was a little more sane, but, then, he's from Minnesota, so that's understandable. Couldn't understand why he kept trying to sell me vitamin tonic, though. And he wouldn't even try the fantastic coffee cake the ladies' auxiliary prepared. That just seemed rude." Knutson's shared office-holder Jon Rondestvedt was even more blunt in his assessment. "The guy's a complete looney," he observed. "Telling US not to observe our proud Norwegian heritage? Honestly, you'd think he was some kind of tragically uneducated right-wing blowhard whose blog was read only by people making fun of him. But I'm sure that's not possible even for this clown...I mean, you can't be THAT dumb and still wind up running for President, can you?"

RALPH did not remain on premises to take questions from the Sons of Norway, but instead boarded the campaign van hastily. At last sighting the campaign team was headed vaguely westward, fueling speculation that RALPH finally plans a confrontation with California Blat, last reported as undertaking a self-imposed vision-quest in the Petrified Forest National Park.

Alas, poor Ralphy! We hardly know ye!

2007-10-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

Where has the old fire gone?

In the past few weeks numerous observers of the Troll Party scene have remarked on the Candidate’s half-heartedness. He makes few speeches these days. Occasionally he’ll show up at a church meeting but usually he has little to add to his usual talking points: “SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING PIAPS” or “DEMLIBS HATE AMERICA!!! THEY ARE EXPOSED!!” which he throws out almost mechanically, as if he himself is sick of saying them.

His fans are desperately disappointed. "Ralph's standards have dropped in the last month or so,” remarks TB from the RALPH Appreciation Society of Australia. “In his prime he was such a visionary lunatic...a real path-non-finder, if you will,” sighs longtime Ralph-watcher ET. "Bring back our Ralphy to us, oh please."

Most disappointingly, despite entreaties from around the world, he has not produced a new chapter of “The Morning After” in months. “Maybe he has Plot Problems,” theorizes W.E. Nelson of the National Capital RALPH Appreciation Society. Professor D. Alastair MacBombast was more fulsome in his disappointment. “His narrative, hurling the reader as it did in medias res, or more exactly, in medias bumpus donutibus, built up a churning vortex of passion, a drooling expectation of what would follow. And then nothing followed. NOTHING!! NICHTS!! NADA!! SPITBALLS!!! Oh Ralphy, my Ralphy, how could you do this to us?”

RALPH has so far not explained his altered state. In general he keeps to his room in the campaign RV, Über Troll standing guard at the door with a spike-studded crowbar. Campaign Blat spends most of his time playing solitaire tiddlywinks, while the Sonny Brothers usually head for the nearest bar where they can be heard complaining about what horrible company the Candidate is, and how they're so bored they’d rather have been swallowed by a sea-monster like Prophet Lephari.

What has caused this downturn? Well, consider the sad circumstances of RALPH's life lately:
• not only have the Moment-Men failed to capture California Blat, they’ve actually become Blat’s disciples and told RALPH to take a hike;
• RALPH has failed in his quest to find a trophy wife - or any woman at all, for that matter;
• His once-beloved Konservo decided he preferred life as a female impersonator to being RALPH's follower, and he's in jail now anyway.

What can be done to revive RALPH’s campaign fire??

Campaign Shocker! Konservo Arrested in Minneapolis!

2007-10-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign has been anxiously awaiting news of Konservo following his enigmatic exit from the Ottawa club where his drag act had become such a sensation in recent weeks. That news came in the early morning hours of October 9, 2007...but not with the results this campaign might have preferred.

Konservo-watchers in Minnesota noted a police radio call to a departure concourse at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport, and the reference to an Ethel Merman lookalike alerted one such watcher to the likelihood of a Konservo-sighting. He duly reported to the airport, purchasing a stand-by round-trip ticket to Madison, WI on a commuter flight, and met with an astonishing sight upon clearing security.

Airport police had attempted to clear the concourse but did so only with grave difficulty given the potato peels and chunks that littered the walkway leading toward the gate area. A kind of starchy breadcrumb-trail, the spud pieces led directly to the infamous public restroom that has figured in the scandal surrounding Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) and his guilty plea to soliciting sexual activity in said restroom earlier this year.

Our on-site campaign stalwart Sven Svennsonsdottir (not his real name...or is it?) explains in his own words:

- - - -

I followed the potato trail to the restroom in question, cordoned off as closed for renovations, but found a naked blow-up doll draped across the barrier and a hand-lettered sign saying "Larry, I love you! Come back to me! All is forgiven! I don't know how to quit you! Love and kisses, XOXOXOXO, Konservo." That was when I knew I had hit campaign paydirt.

Police had a bullhorn and were negotiating with Konservo to come out of the restroom voluntarily. They weren't sure at that point whether or not a hostage situation was in play or not.

As I stood by, the police stormed the restroom with tear gas, pepper spray, and packets of french fries from the McDonald's further down the concourse, on the assumption that potato products might tempt their target. There were sounds of a scuffle within and at least two officers were sent for medical attention due to toilet-brush-burn from the altercation.

Eventually the police emerged with Konservo in custody, his facial makeup running a little from sweat but otherwise in high spirits, chanting "Ralph is Great in 2008! USA! All the way! Rapture this, you losers!" If his ankles had not been restrained I feel sure he would have stripped off his underpants and flung them into the crowd - he seemed to treat the incident as he would just another drag act.

While an officer was reciting the charges for the media - including vandalism, entering a restricted area within an airport, traveling under an assumed name and resisting arrest - I managed to slip into the restroom and snap the photo which illustrates this report. Konservo's toilet brush and the Ethel Merman wig have since been confiscated by police, but I believe the graffiti persists pending the restroom renovation.

The occupant of the adjacent stall - shoe slightly visible in the photo - evaded authorities and remains at large as far as I know.

- - - -

Minneapolis police are holding Konservo in lieu of $50,000 bail. Although the toilet brush and Ethel Merman wig have been entered as evidence in the case, unconfirmed reports say that the blow-up doll just outside the restroom has appeared on offer at eBay.

Lephari in the Pirates' Lair

2007-10-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

Lephari sits upon a pearly beach,
And glumly prays, and tears upon his hair.
Meanwhile the Newshounds of the Caribbean
Are dancing in a circle, to a tune
Bouncing from Red-Eye Dave’s harmonica.
Anon they call him, "Come and join the fun!"
But resolute Lephari shakes his head.
"I’LL HAVE NO FUN WITH LIBTARDS!" he replies.
" I’M ON A MISSION, AND IF I SUCCEED
I’LL SAVE THE WORLD FROM DIRE CALAMITY -
IN OTHER WORDS, FROM PIAPS AND FROM YOU!!!"
The Newshounds laugh, and then begin to sing,

What shall we do with Rapture Ralphy,
What shall we do with Rapture Ralphy,
What shall we do with Rapture Ralphy
Early in the morning?

And Dead-Eye Ori sings out the reply,

Put him in a dress and call him PIAPS,
Put him in a dress and call him PIAPS
Put him in a dress and call him PIAPS
Early in the morning.

Anon a rowboat cruncheth into shore -
It is the Mad Canucks; their boat is laden
With two-fours and with Timbits succulent.
They disembark, a-shouting all at once.
"Great news, my friends!" cries Okanagan Laddie.
"A ship ripe for the looting comes this way!"
He opens up an Export with his teeth.
"And what a ship!" says Jolly Nell. "For ‘tis
The cruise-ship of the National Review,
With Kristol, Malkin and Joe Lieberman,
And Bill O’Reilly as a special guest!"

Oh how the pirates whoop and cheer and dance!
"Hurrah!" they cry. "The Rabid Right is ours!
We’ll feast upon their lobster and champagne!
We’ll take their ship and sail it down to Rio,
And spend their loot in Ipanema Bay!
And as for Lord Falafel..." they begin
To outline, at great length, their plans for him,
And they draw lots for who shall have the honor
Of making Bill O’Reilly walk the plank.
"DESIST, YE LIBTARDS VILE!!" Lephari shrieks.
"YOU HATE AMERICA! YOU ARE EXPOSED!!
YOU SHALL NOT TORMENT FAIR-AND-BALANCED BILL,
NOR SUBJECT HIM TO DEGRADATIONS VILE
YOU LEARNED WHILE LICKING SKANKY PIAPS’ FEET!!"
"Relax," says ET Blue, "and have a doughnut."
But nothing stops our wild Lephari’s rant.
"BEWARE OF ME!" he screams. "FOR I SHALL GO
TO BILL O’REILLY AND HIS RIGHTEOUS FEW,
AND WARN THEM OF YOUR FOUL NEFARIOUS PLANS!"
"Oh no!" the pirates say, "We won’t have that!"
And IB Blackheart thus begins to sing:

Put him in the hold without his cap-lock
Put him in the hold without his cap-lock
Put him in the hold without his cap-lock
Early in the morning.

And to the ship they drag our poor Lephari,
And lock him in the hold; and at the door
They leave the Newshounds’ hound, fierce Baskerville
Who snarls with every move Lephari makes.
The ship begins to move; the rafters creak,
The sails go whipping in the freshening wind.
And crouched inside the hold Lephari hears
The voices of the Newshounds lift in song:

Blow ye winds, heigh-ho
A pirating we go!
We’ll give the Right
One hell of a fright.
They’ll shiver from head to toe

How our Lephari hammers on the door!
Alas, to no avail.
...to be continued.

Konservo On the Road?

2007-10-05T02:02:00.000-07:00

Patrons of the Lookout Bar & Bistro hoping to take in area sensation Konservo’s hot new “Flying Nun” tribute found themselves disappointed this week as the main attraction vanished unaccountably from the scene.

When he failed to appear for the first of two scheduled performances on Tuesday, October 2, club management checked the dressing room and made an unexpected and alarming discovery. One entire wall was covered with random pages of stories from Newsweek, Time, and U.S. News & World Report, each torn out and individually skewered to the wall with steak knives from the kitchen. A selection of Konservo’s naughtier underwear was found in a large Tupperware container filled almost to the brim with Shalimar perfume (hazmat teams were quickly summoned to safely dispose of the pungent mixing bowl and burp-and-seal lid). The overflowing wastebasket revealed numerous abortive attempts to pen what seemed to be a love note, each with many crossings-out and the addressee’s name obliterated so furiously in purple ink that it was unreadable. Authorities’ only clue to Konservo’s possible whereabouts was a Travelocity receipt apparently printed in duplicate on the dressing room inkjet, indicating that Konservo had reserved a sportscar through Hertz - on a Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign account - with an open-ended return date.

“Course I remember him,” said the agent at the car rental firm’s York Street location. “You don’t soon forget that mix of facial makeup, scraggly beard and ballet costume. I did offer to upgrade him to a crossover SUV to accommodate the tutu better, but he insisted on the Porsche.” Citing client confidentiality, the agent declined to state his customer’s planned destination, but did say that he had requested a map including the upper Midwestern U.S. states, suggesting that his wildly successful flirtation with the Ottawa club scene may be at an unfortunate end.

Konservo was last seen heading toward the Trans-Canada Highway West, his trusty toilet brush clutched in the hands of a blow-up doll, wearing his Ethel Merman costume, in the passenger seat.

Rapture Ralph for President urges anyone who may sight Konservo in the next 48 hours to contact this blog with updated information. In addition to providing this valuable data to local and federal law enforcement entities, we have entered into an arrangement with KOOKS (Konservo Owns Our Kisses Society – the unofficial Konservo Fan Club) to forward cards, letters and requests for locks of beard to his next confirmed location.

Campaign Unveils New Advertisement

2007-10-03T01:08:00.000-07:00

In a stunning rebuke to critics who have said that his campaign prospects are "dead in the water" and that the California Blat/Campaign Blat controversies have hampered his competitiveness, RALPH today unveiled a new campaign ad that throws down the gauntlet decisively to his detractors, taking on his chief foe - PIAPS, as he calls her - head-on. Judge for yourselves.

Lephari on the High Seas

2007-10-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Ejected by Leviathan, cast loose
Upon a mission to locate the key
To save earth from Calamity Foretold,
Lephari floats upon a balmy sea
Beneath a white and burning tropic sun.
He’s clinging to a balsam log. All round
Lies water, sapphire blue. On the horizon
He sees a white and palm-encircled beach,
But else there’s naught but water, sapphire blue.
Where are the clues the beast had promised him?
"Oh Lord please send me guidance!" prays Lephari.
But - horrors! - the Lord sends him sharks instead,
A dozen fins slow-circling in the waves.
He paddles hard; the fins come following,
A dozen fins, a thousand hungry teeth.
"VILE LEPROUS LIBTARDS!" bold Lephari cries.
"I KNOW ‘TIS PIAPS SENT YOU! FOR SHE KNOWS
THAT IT’S MY TASK TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM HER!
YOU ARE EXPOSED!!! BUT I AM ON A QUEST,
AND WON’T FORSWEAR IT JUST TO BE YOUR DINNER!"
Something bumps against his legs. He shrieks.

But lo! His prayer is answered, for behold!
Here comes a motorboat at roaring speed!
The predatory fins all disappear.
Strong hands pull our Lephari up on board.
His rescuers are two fellows and a girl,
All rakish-looking, wearing red bandanas.
The lady holds a flask up to his lips.
Raw rum burns down his throat. He screams aloud.
"YOU TOADS! YOU MADE STRONG LIQUOR TOUCH MY LIPS!
I AM DIMINISHED FOR MY NOBLE TASK!"
"What? You don’t like our hospitality?"
A man inquires, with English accent strong.
"Perhaps you’d rather go back overboard
And feed the sharks?" "Oh, no," Lephari says.
"That would be suicide, a horrid sin
All the more horrid since I’m on a quest,
A sacred mission from the Lord Himself
To save the world from dread calamity,
The reign of PIAPS and the end of days -
There's no calamity more dread than that."

"Well, pleased to meet you," says the Englishman.
"We are the Newshounds of the Caribbean.
Here’s San-Fran Sergie, this is Pinchy Kim.
I’m Undisputed King of Lost Doubloons,
UKLD for short. Much feared our band,
Especially by the Rabid Rapture Right.
Off yonder island lies our jolly ship,
The Snakeskin Bentley. Come and join our band!
We’ll sail upon the warm and sunny seas,
And sleep on pearly beaches. Every night
We’ll have a jolly party on the beach
And laugh and sing and trash the Rabid Right."

"O WOE IS ME!" our poor Lephari cries.
I am a prisoner of the Jihad Left!
O LORD PRESERVE ME! Have I e’en escaped
From foul Leviathan’s appalling maw
And from the hungry teeth of hunting sharks,
To fall to PIAPS’ pirates and be doomed
To tortures vile and horrid cruelty?"
"I fear you are so doomed," says Kim. "We’ll start
The tortures now." The three link arms and sing

Fifteen men on O’Reilly’s case
(Cosmoritas and a yo-ho-ho!)
We’ll put that turkey back in his place.
(Drinks all around and don’t be slow!)

Lephari stops his ears, to no avail.
The laughter echoes off the island, and
‘Tis answered from a crowd upon the shore.
Alas for poor Lephari! Is he doomed
To fun forevermore?

To be continued.

The Legend of California Blat: Disorder in the Court

2007-09-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

"MOMENT MEN’S DAY IN COURT" read the front page headline on yesterday’s Arizona Daily Sun. People were lining up outside the Coconino County Courthouse all the evening before. When the police van arrived, bearing Hiram, Cletus and Jesse Earl (Eustace is still in traction in the hospital) to answer to charges of first-degree murder for the unfortunate demise of California Blat, the crowd broke into boos and hisses and cries of "Burn in hell!"

When Judge Brenda Garcia asked how they pleaded, court-appointed defense attorney Milton Ravioli replied "Not guilty by reason of insanity," which got the crowd going again. Eventually the judge was able to get them calmed down and the District Attorney was able to lay out the case, which you had to admit was a very strong one. All that Hiram, speaking for the defendants, had to say in his defense was, "Yes, we was followin’ him, Yer Honor, but we didn’t kill him. He done turned into a vulture and flew off."

"Never mind that vulture idiocy," said the judge sternly. "Why were you following California Blat?"

The Moment Men did not answer. Jesse Earl opened his mouth but at a look from Hiram he lapsed into silence again.

"Answer me! Why were you following California Blat?"

"BECAUSE RALPH SENT THEM!" came a cry from the back of the courtroom. The crowd rose and turned - and broke into one collective gasp.

California Blat himself stood in the doorway, barefoot and unshaven, covered with a layer of dust, clad in a pair of ragged jeans, a torn tank top and a battered San Diego Padres baseball hat, but with his National Guitar still slung across his back. He now swung the guitar around, struck a chord and began to sing:

I’m alive and breathin’
So set these loonies free.
Old RALPH is on my trail
But he will never capture me
‘Cause I’m a mighty hero
(A mighty hero)
And he’s a big fat zero
Yes he is.

"You mean you’re not dead?" asked Judge Garcia rather stupidly.

"It takes more than a fall into the Grand Canyon and a week in the desert to kill California Blat," the returned hero replied. "The cloning has given me powers you can only begin to imagine. Look at this!" He took off his baseball cap and shook it, and to the amazement of the audience, coins and bills spilled out onto the floor. He picked them up, stuffed them into his pocket, and threw the cap carelessly at Hiram. "Here, take it - It’ll help pay Eustace’s hospital bills."

"It’s a miracle!" cried Jesse Earl.

"Nope," replied California Blat loftily. "It’s all in a day’s work for the Redneck Hippie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m returning to the desert to seek the truth." And he walked out of the courtroom shouting, "MOMENT-MEN-LOVE! VULTURE-LOVE! DESERT-LOVE! CAMPAIGN-BLAT-LOVE! ALBERTO-GONZALES-LOVE!"

The Moment-Men are still sleeping off last night’s celebration, during which the baseball cap was emptied four times. Cletus did appear at around noon, looking very bleary-eyed, to make a statement to reporters. "After what done happened yesterday," he said, "we’re callin’ off the chase. How can you go harmin’ the man who saved your life? Jesse Earl thinks he’s Jesus Christ, and I’m beginnin’ to think he might be right. So I’m gonna call RALPH and tell him to find some other folks to do his dirty work. Dagnabbit, what happened to my cell phone? It won’t switch on. What do you mean, you gotta charge the battery? No, I ain’t got no battery charger. Mighta thrown it out. I threw out a lot of wires and things that came in that package. Well, whadaya know. Sumbitch."

Konservo's New Act Debuts!

2007-09-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

Crowd excitement was once again high as the lights dimmed at the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa's hot clubbing district, the Market, where latest sensation Konservo was preparing to launch his highly anticipated new act, kept shrouded in mystery until this evening. Our guest correspondent "Nigel" was on the scene and penned the eyewitness acccount which follows.

- - - - -

Well, let me just say, first of all, that the atmosphere in the Club was absolutely so electric. The whole community has been abuzz ever since the Ethel Merman act - replica wigs popped up just overnight! - but the thing that has made Konservo so compelling is the way he has kept us all guessing. The closing night of the Merman act he came out to do the encore as Streisand. Completely took everyone by surprise! His rendition of The Way We Were among the tables, in one case actually climbing onto my friend Lionel's lap and crooning in his ear...so memorable, I can't begin to tell you. He's just always fresh.

The cheering and the calls of "Ser-VO! Ser-VO!" started a full five minutes before the stage lights finally came up on low. The fog machine started, cranking out clouds across the stage and into the audience, and the curtain went up to a full moon and glowing stars covering the backdrop. We heard ripples of harp music and a plaintive flute melody. And then, there he was, soaring above the stage from a flying rig, in one of those Sally-Field style nun's habits! He launched into Fly Me To The Moon and, I have to say, he had us in the palm of his adorably-manicured hand from the first notes.

The toilet brush can-can in the habit was probably the one number of the act that didn't work for me. But Konservo really made up for it in the second set. He had a whole backup chorus of novices who came out singing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Konservo? and by the time the striptease started, it had turned into an audience participation sing-along. I still have the rosary I caught when "Sister Inarticulata" tossed it into the audience.

In short, the new act definitely gets two thumbs up from me, and the rest of the audience seemed to agree. Chalk up another surefire hit to the Market's premiere drag act of 2007!

THE LEGEND OF CALIFORNIA BLAT, PART IV: HEY-HEY, BYE-BYE, MOMENT MEN ARE GONNA FRY!

2007-09-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

Oh where oh where is California Blat?
He’s vanished utterly.
His bones are bleachin' on the Grand Canyon floor
And the Moment Men will pay the penalty (poor boys)
They’re gonna pay an awful penalty.

For the Moment Men, it never rains but it pours. (It never rains in Arizona anyway, but you do realize it’s a metaphor.) Barely had they got Eustace settled into his hospital bed, when they were arrested and hauled into the Coconino County sherriff’s office for close interrogation.

You have to admit that appearances are against the Moment Men. As the chief interrogator, Detective Sergeant Finn MacCuhal (who came here from Ireland five years ago “for my asthma”) pointed out, dozens of witnesses saw them chasing California Blat out of the Market Plaza parking lot. The BlatMobile was found abandoned at the edge of the canyon, near the place where Park Rescue airlifted the Moment Men to safety.

“But we didn’t kill him!” protested Hiram. “He walked over the edge.”

“Then why haven’t we found him?” asked MacCuhal. “Because you went down there and disposed of the body, isn’t that so?”

“There weren’t never no body,” said young Jesse Earl Pickin (“Banjo” to his friends and “Booger” to his enemies). “The devil done turned him into a vulture. We seen him flyin’ off.”

Strange to say, Sergeant MacCuhal didn't believe Jesse Earl, and charged all the Moment Men with first-degree murder. When he emerged from the interrogation room he was shaking his head. “Sure I’ve seen some nutcases in my time, but this takes the biscuit, so it does.”

Hiram didn’t help matters when he made his one permitted phone call - to RALPH, of course. He’d forgotten to program RALPH’s number into his new cell phone, but he insisted he knew it from memory. But when he tried to dial it he got a pizza parlor, an escort service, an old man who spoke only Ukrainian and the Rolling Thunder Tabernacle (famous for its Roller Derby Worship Hour). Finally the police searched his truck and found the phone number, being used as a bookmark in a copy of The Laird of Lephari Cove.

RALPH maintained his cool admirably until he asked to speak to the detective in charge. When he heard Sergeant MacCuhal’s accent, he went through the roof. “I KNEW PIAPS WAS BEHIND THIS!!! SENDING AN IRA FENIAN DEMLIB TERRORIST TO DO HER DIRTY WORK!! THE WHOLE SHERIFF’S OFFICE SHOULD HAVE THEIR ASSETS FROZEN!! THEY SHOULD BE SHIPPED OFF TO GUANTANAMO!! THE COCONINO COUNTY SHERRIFF’S OFFICE HATES AMERICA!!!!! GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM, LIBTARD, AND TAKE THAT UNSPEAKABLE PIAPS WITH YOU!!!!”

“Did you say this guy was running for President?” asked Detective Sergeant MacCuhal as he hung up the phone. “You’d better plead insanity – the jury may just believe you.”

So now the Moment Men are at the Coconino County Detention Center awaiting their first court appearance (except for Eustace, whose hospital room is surrounded by armed guards). Since California Blat is a folk hero in these parts, the local residents are, to put it mildly, very upset. A small crowd gathered outside the jail last night, waving signs and chanting slogans. Radio talk-show lines are jammed with callers describing what they’d do to the Moment Men if they could. The unknown author of the “Blatwatch” blog has just announced an essay contest on the theme, “Why I’d like to Throw the Switch on the Moment Men.”

“All we can do is pray RALPH will step in,” said Hiram sadly. “Anyone got any cream soda?”

The Legend of California Blat, Part III - Rapture in the Canyon

2007-09-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

California Blat is a spirit running free
He’s crazy as a loon
He’s riding down to the Grand Canyon now,
To meditate beneath a desert moon (oh yeah)
To seek the truth beneath a desert moon.

Having eluded the Moment Men’s roadblock on the outskirts of Las Vegas, California Blat might have gotten away altogether - but he just couldn't resist being the center of attention. When he reached Grand Canyon Village and saw the crowds of people in Market Plaza, he climbed onto the back of his red-white-and-blue GMC Sierra, and began haranguing them:

"I preach LOVE! LOVE!! LOVE!!! AMERICA-LOVE! FREEDOM-LOVE! TROOP-SURGE-LOVE! TROOP-REDUCTION-LOVE! BOMB-THE-SHIT-OUT-OF-IRAN-LOVE! SUCK-ON-THIS-TED-NUGENT-LOVE!!" He took an empty plastic bag out of his pocket and began pulling out handfuls of M&Ms-flavored trail mix, which he threw into the ever-growing crowd. "RAPTURE!!! God shall wipe away the tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death. Nay, neither any bird flu nor high cholesterol nor erectile dysfunction. Not with VIBE vitamins, the cure for every ill. RAPTURE!! VOTE FOR RALPH!! HE NEEDS TO GET LAID!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Now, if his audience had been local people, the Moment Men would never have heard of it, because Blat has become quite a folk hero in the desert. But these listeners were tourists, and as a result the news reached his pursuers’ ears so swiftly that he will still in mid-tirade when they roared into the plaza parking lot. "Oop! Gotta go," he said abruptly, leaped into the driver’s seat and gunned the truck onto the highway with the Moment Men right on his tailpipe.

Down Desert View Drive they flew, with the South Rim of the canyon on their left. They had gone about ten miles when the BlatMobile took a curve too wide, spun out of control, fishtailed across the highway and came to a stop at the very edge of the canyon. Blat crawled out to find the Moment Men and their sawed-off shotguns surrounding him, and a five-thousand-foot drop at his back.

"You gotta surrender now, Blat!" shouted Hiram. "You ain’t got no place else to go." But Blat merely laughed.

You ain’t gonna take me back to Crazy Ralph.
You ain’t got enough I.Q.
And where I’m goin’ you can’t follow me.
Good-bye and may the world be good to you (poor boys).
Good-bye and may the world be good to you."

Then he took a step backward and disappeared over the edge. The Moment Men ran as close as they dared and looked down - but the valley below was empty except for a very large vulture flapping lazily among the rocks.

They decided to go down, hoping to at least bring some of his shattered remains back to the Candidate. But they hadn’t gone far before Eustace Whazzup slipped, rolled downhill until he fetched up against a rock, and couldn’t get up again.

Eustace is now in traction at the Flagstaff Medical Center. "The doctors say he got a shattered femur," says Hiram. "Funny, I thought it was his thigh bone." They managed to get hold of RALPH, and the news of Blat’s disappearance cheered him up considerably - the distraught Sonny Brothers had just arrived with news of Lephari’s hideous fate. Searchers are still combing the bottom of the canyon for traces of California Blat, but so far without success. Meanwhile, the Moment Men have other concerns - since Eustace has no health insurance, what are they going to do about the astronomical hospital bills he’s accumulating?

Ralph Needs Women!

2007-09-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

Or a woman, at any rate. Having had his overtures to Miss South Carolina Teen USA, Caitlin Upton, met with a dramatic refusal - and a restraining order delivered directly to the passenger-side window of the campaign van as it entered the Lexington city limits - RALPH's desperation for a trophy wife to adorn the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign has borne unusual fruit.

Sources within the campaign say that RALPH has tentatively embraced a long-distance reconciliation with Konservo, his onetime confidante whose relationship with RALPH was deeply strained by Konservo's turn to a career in cross-dressing cabaret performance during a campaign junket to Ottawa. It has transpired that, while lounging in his dressing room between acts, Konservo has not only been experimenting with different brands of mascara and trying to decide on a signature scent, but has also been writing a steamy romance novel in collaboration with noted Harlequin author Meighan Aubergine. Published this month by Troll Press, The Laird of Lephari Cove is what Konservo describes as "a hot, sensual fiction-based novel" describing his past-life romance with RALPH.

"The author hopes that this intimate look at the man behind the politician/blogger will encourage women across America to 'practice their love' with this exceptional individual," said a Troll Press spokesperson. When asked by reporter Kate Stone of No Stone Unturned how a piece of sensationalized historical fiction could possibly help a present-day political campaign, the spokesperson responded that the publishers felt it perfectly in keeping with the Troll Party platform of living in the past and making decisions based on anything but facts.

From the back cover:

From the carriage window, fondling my toilet brush with misty memories of the previous evening's encounter, I watched him stride moodily across the headland, his mane of greasy hair whipped by the wind, his cloak flapping around his flip-flops. A flash of unexpected lightning threw his tortured form into a stark profile, as he threw his arms wide and cried to the brooding skies high above Lephari Cove: "PIAPS!!!! PIAPS!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA-HATE, DOUGHNUT-HATE, INSIGHTFUL-ANALYSIS-HATE, LEPHARI-COVE-HATE!!!!!!!! AAAAAGH!!"

Follow-on promotional plans include the launch of www.pleasemarrymeloveRALPH.org, a site modeled on the Marry Our Daughter web site - endorsed by RALPH, incidentally, as "A GODLY ALTERNATIVE TO THE TRIBULATION THESE FRESH AND NUBILE YOUNG GIRLS WILL FACE IF THEY ARE NOT RAPTURED, AND MUST LIVE ON UNDER THE CRUEL REIGN OF PIAPS!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" The new site will give women interested in marrying RALPH an opportunity to post their photos, profiles, and bank account balances. RALPH will then announce his selection just prior to the primaries, after meeting privately with twenty hand-selected finalists to determine compatibility.

RALPH's constant handlers, Über Troll and Campaign Blat, read a prepared statement from RALPH, to the effect that he appreciated Konservo's literary contribution to the cause, would be happy to autograph copies at campaign stops throughout the heartland, and would hereafter make all his public appearances in a long cloak and wide-brimmed, feathered hat. "No comment," was Blat's terse reply to the question of whether or not RALPH's ecclesiastical twin, the self-styled Prophet Lephari, approved of the novel. Lip-readers, however, keeping a careful eye on Über Troll as he flipped through the pages, mopping sweat off his brow and trying to keep his hands from shaking uncontrollably as he did, appeared to mutter "I don't think so..." under his breath.

Ghost-writer Aubergine is expected to take the novel on a nationwide Wal*Mart promotional tour. Konservo, unfortunately, will not be available, as he readies his new Ethel Merman tribute act for an October debut.

Lephari, Savior of the World

2007-09-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

(the Lephariad continues....)

"HEY, LET ME OUT, YOU ASSWIPE!!" yells Lephari.
He hammers on the ribcage of the beast
Who’s swallowed him. "I told you, let me out!
I am a Raptured minion of the Lord;
My clone’s the USA’s next President!"
"Don’t hammer me like that!" the monster says.
"It makes me queasy. Don’t you worry now.
I’m not about to eat you - not just yet.
I had to separate you from your friends
For I have something vital to impart."
"I KNOW IT! PIAPS SENT YOU!!" screams Lephari.
"YOU’LL NEVER HAND ME OVER TO HER!! No,
I’ll be no doughnut for her bumping, nor
Will I consent to be a sacrifice
Upon the altar of her filthy lusts!"
"What, you? A toy for anybody’s lusts?
Don’t make me laugh." The monster scoffs. "No, I
Have a far different task in hand for you.
Stop thumping in my stomach; I’ve a tale
To tell that calls for all of your attention.

"When the Great Flood abated, and when Noah
Set foot upon dry land again, the Lord
Sent him a rainbow, then said this to him -
This isn’t in the Bible, but it’s true -
Another gift I give you. In a vault
In a location I shall not disclose,
Lies that which, rightly used, will save the world
From perils dire. Since I’m a nasty God,
And like to make men work for their reward,
I won’t reveal its whereabouts exactly,
But I shall give you this enormous key
Of gold, with jewels and scrollwork all bedecked,
And I’ll give you as well this list of clues
(All cryptic, else the task would be no challenge).
And since I am a very nasty God
I won’t inform you what is in the vault,
Except that many centuries from hence
it may save mankind from calamity.
And Noah took the key and list; for centuries
He and his offspring kept them safe from harm,
Until, one fateful day, their caravan
Was robbed by brigands, who took list and key
and disappeared with them to who knows where.
But if you find them, then ‘tis you who may
Redeem us from calamity foretold."
"THE REIGN OF PIAPS!! THAT’S WHAT GOD FORETOLD!!
THE SIGN THAT ARMAGEDDON IS AT HAND!!!
AND I CAN SAVE THE WORLD FROM THIS? HOT DOG!!!
WHEN DO I START??"

"I knew you’d take the job -
And just as well, since if you had refused
My orders were to start digesting you.
Now brace yourself - get ready for a ride."
Lephari kneels inside the monster’s stomach,
And starts to say his prayers. Just as he folds
His hands before him, comes a mighty belch,
A wind most vile, which picks Lephari up,
And hurls him through Leviathan’s insides,
Through his esophagus and up his throat,
And bounces him off giant yellow teeth,
Into fresh air again..

...to be continued

Lephari Meets Leviathan

2007-09-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

Only a week into Prophet Lephari’s pilgrimage, disaster has struck.

Not that the pilgrimage got off to a very good start. Though Lephari had promised that he would drive every teacher who taught evolution out of the classroom, his early efforts in that direction weren’t very successful. At Abingdon Elementary School, the principal assured him, "We took evolution off the curriculum last year. We believe in God and America and freedom in this town, and we’ll tar and feather everyone who doesn’t agree with us." This pleased Lephari so much that he ordered Sonny White to break open the magic pinata. Unfortunately, all that came out was raw sheep liver and anchovies. This was when he realized that he had no control over what the pinata dispensed - it was at the whim of a higher power than he.

At Fairfield, his party triggered a security alarm when it tried to get into St. Brigid of the Hedge Clippers Primary School. The ensuing battle with police has already gone down in local folklore, particularly the attempt by Sonny Black and Sonny Green to heave one of the cops into a pile of cow manure, while Lephari roared out, “IOWA POLICE ARE TRUTH-HATING, BIBLE-HATING, AMERICA-HATING, NASCAR-HATING SERVANTS OF THE ANTICHRIST!!!” But thanks to their pepper spray, the police finally won the battle, pinning Lephari in a half-Nelson while holding off his followers with stun guns.

Miraculously, the Lephari Pilgrims did not get thrown in jail but were merely shown to the town’s borders. When they reached the next town, though, they discovered that the Fairfield police had put out an all-points warning about them, and that they were decidedly unwelcome anywhere in southeast Iowa. The pinata continued to be unforthcoming; all it dispensed in those days was vegetable compost, freeze-dried grasshoppers, and cat food. By the time they reached Keokuk, even the Sonny Brothers were grumbling.

I’ll let the Epic Poet tell the rest of the story.

“Be not disheartened!” bold Lephari cries.
“‘Tis we who shall be Raptured, while those turds
Are squashed within the Winepress of the Lord!
I am the great Lephari, and my powers
Put those of any Demlib cop to shame!
Behold! Before us lies the Mississippi,
The mightiest river in America.
The Lord will bear me up upon its waters.
Now watch, and worship me as I deserve!”
And as his followers exclaim in awe,
Lephari sets his foot upon the water.
Behold! The Mississippi bears him up!!!
He walks - he even dances - on its waves.
He lifts his arms and laughs maniacally.
But even as he laughs, the water boils -
A huge white head, an open-gaping maw,
A thrashing tail that churns up ten-foot waves -
It is Leviathan! A harbinger
Of Armageddon! When its mouth snaps shut
Lephari is no longer to be seen.
Directly, with a monstrous sucking sound,
A final flailing of its giant tail,
Leviathan sinks back into the deep,
And deathly silence falls...

.....to be continued.

Wedding Bells? Ralph Rumored In Market For Campaign "Trophy Wife"

2007-09-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

Rumors are swirling that, in order to remain competitive with the likes of late campaign entrant Fred Thompson, RALPH is seeking a trophy wife of his own. His apparent target? None other than Miss South Carolina Teen USA, Caitlin Upton, whose recent geography-challenged answer to a pageant question has become water-cooler and blog forum chatter nationwide.

Anonymous sources within the campaign say that RALPH made his first approach to the teen beauty queen privately and delicately, by sending her a map outlining his path to her side, bearing "binoculars and hedge clippers," presumably so that he could trim her privet hedge and give her a better view of the roads and streets beyond so that she could find her way from the front door to the curb unaided.

Asked at a campaign stop at a Stuckey's along Interstate 77 what his intentions were toward Ms. Upton, RALPH responded: "THIS CAMPAIGN NEEDS A WOMAN'S TOUCH!!!! WE NEED SOMEBODY WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO PUT PLASTIC ON THE LAMPSHADES AND MAKE SURE WE BATHE OCCASIONALLY!!!! WE NEED A REAL U.S. AMERICAN WHO RECOGNIZES THAT NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND, LIKE, SUCH AS IRAQ ON A MAP IS PART OF WHAT MAKES THIS THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER!!!! FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN SO THEY WON'T HAVE TO LIVE UNDER THE DEPRADATIONS OF PIAPS!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! SO TRUE!!!! SO TRUE!!!!"

In the background, Campaign Blat and Über Troll - busily repainting the campaign van with all the things RALPH was willing to HATE on Upton's behalf - seemed resigned to this turn of events. Blat shrugged expansively and continued his lettering, while Über Troll said only, "Damned if I know where this came from. I've only ever heard him talk this way about Bea Arthur. Oh, and Henry Kissinger."

Prophet Lephari, predictably, came out forcibly against the situation, insisting that this behavior put his alter ego in peril of missing the RALPHTURE and being led astray into DOUGHNUT-BUMPING and perhaps even FRITTER-SMASHING and CRULLER-BOUNCING. Konservo was said to be negotiating a long-term cabaret contract in Ottawa and could not be reached for direct comment, although some outlets are reporting that he has volunteered to perform gratis at the wedding should Upton accept RALPH's overtures.

The Legend of California Blat, Part II - Eat Your Heart Out, Evel Knievel!

2007-09-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

California Blat is a messenger of love.
He’s totally out of his mind.
He rides the desert in his pickup truck,
And the Moment Men are just a mile behind (oh yeah)
The Moment Men are just a mile behind.*

For the first time since California Blat started on his wild Love Ride through the desert, he's had a serious brush with RALPH’s Moment Men.

Tracking Blat to Las Vegas wasn’t too difficult, even for the Moment Men. But when they got there, they hesitated. As Moment Man Hiram T. Peashucker explained to this reporter, "We had to get ahold of RALPH, ‘cause we didn’t know what he wanted us to do with him. Just blow him away right then and there or bring him back? And we didn’t know where RALPH was so how could we git ahold of him?"

"But then when we got to Vegas," continued Darrell "Potato-Head" Oilslick, "the Lord gave us a inspire-ation. He told Hiram here in a dream, that all we need do was go into a store and git ourselves one of them there cell phones, and then we could just call RALPH ourselves."

It wasn’t quite that easy. It took a few days before the Moment Men figured out how to use their new cell phone. And after that they forgot RALPH’s phone number and rummaged through their gear for a whole day before they found it. Unfortunately, RALPH wasn’t able to provide them much guidance; he was reading articles about Konservo in Canada’s alternative press, and all he could say was, "THE RAPTURE IS AT HAND!!! THIS PROVES IT!! PIAPS IS PERVERTING MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS, AND NEXT SHE WILL BECOME PRESIDENT JUST AS I HAVE DESCRIBED IT IN MY BOOK!! AND THAT WILL SIGNAL THE END OF DAYS!! RAPTURE!!! RAPTURE!!! RAPTURE!!!" Then he hung up to send off more tracts to Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity, so that they would be converted in time for Armageddon.

In the end the Moment Men had to use their own limited initiative. Learning from a call girl that Blat was about to leave town and head for the Grand Canyon "to meditate on the infinite" they roadblocked Boulder Highway with their pickup trucks and stood there ready, shotguns in hand.

But when Blat came roaring up in his red, white and blue GMC Sierra they had the surprise of their lives. As the balladeer tells it:

California Blat put the pedal to the floor
And the truck rose up into the air.
It flew right over the Moment Men’s heads,
And all that they could do was stand and stare (poor boys)
All that they could do was stand and stare.

When they finally recovered their senses, the BlatMobile was nowhere to be seen. But Potato-Head thought he heard a voice from the distance shouting, "MOMENT-MEN-LOVE! REDNECK-AMBUSH-LOVE! SAWED-OFF-SHOTGUNS-LOVE!!"

They might have taken off after him - at least Clete Knothole urged them to do so - but at that moment a car full of drunken young men drove by and, seeing Clete’s beard, called out, "Holy shit! It’s ZZ Top!" The ensuing mob scene prevented them from immediate pursuit - and by the time they had autographed all the CDs, California Blat was long gone. The Moment Men decided to drown their disappointment at the bars and blackjack tables, so who knows how long it’ll be before they take up the pursuit again?
----
* Those who know the American outlaw ballad "John Hardy" can sing along.

Konservo Fans' Worst Fears Sidestepped

2007-09-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

Patrons of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in the Market were at first dismayed and then astonished as Konservo took the stage on Sunday evening, wearing an earpiece and dark glasses, mumbling what sounded like CIA code words, and sporting a three-piece suit. His demeanor was measured and he seemed oblivious to the audience's presence.

"Bloody hell!" yelled one of the assembled crowd toward the stage. "No more of this campaign crap!!! Let's get to the show!!!!"

Konservo startled all those assembled, even the bouncers, into an abrupt silence as he tugged a handgun from a shoulder holster under his jacket and fired a blank round into the air above the stage. "Show?" he retorted in clipped tones to the audience member. "Show? You think this is a show, pal? Not a deathly serious war against global extremists??"

The pregnant pause hung in the air like the smoke from Konservo's blank round.

Then, to the strains of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" abruptly pouring at ear-splitting volume throughout the club, Konservo launched into the covert-spy-into-LGBT-icon striptease you see depicted in the illustration, at one point twirling his earpiece around his head and yelling "Did you MISS me, Ottawa??!!" before flinging the keepsake into the enthusiastic and agitated crowd.

"But...what's this going to do to the value of my autographed 'Progresso Konservo' paper doll sheet?" lamented one clubgoer. "I only today got it appraised and insured! It seemed so...so collectible!"

"No worries," another patron reassured. "The rate this guy is going, we will see everything from him by the time U.S. elections come to a close. Meanwhile - isn't it a helluva show?!"

This campaign correspondent was unfortunately leaving the campaign venue to file this report just as Konservo was inviting audience members to the stage to spank him with his own trademark toilet brush.

Konservo Goes Progressive? Stunning Revelations from Canada!

2007-09-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

In an about-face unusual even for this campaign, it appears that RALPH's former inseparable confidante Konservo, having gotten in touch with his inner diva during the recent SPP summit in Ottawa, has made a stunning reversal of position...including a dramatic break in which he has aligned many of his viewpoints with and bestowed his admiration upon Senator Hillary Clinton, a first-tier Presidential candidate and, to RALPH, the embodiment of all that is reprehensible.

Nightclub patrons in the area had been abuzz about Konservo's showstopping drag act, combining wingnut politics with sultry torch songs in performances that one audience member hailed by saying: "Man, that is completely better than my best acid trip in the Haight in the 60's. He's enough to make me think that, yeah, maybe 'America's Got Talent!'" So audiences this Labor Day weekend were taken aback as, to the opening strains of "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," Konservo appeared not in his customary French maid's costume but instead in a smartly-tailored pantsuit and stepping up not to the back of the baby grand piano but to a nearby podium. His frizzy grey locks appeared to have been neatly trimmed, but it was hard to tell since he sported a sleek, short blonde wig in addition to his other very corporate-leaning wear.

"My fellow...er...Nightclubbians!" he began, stumbling a little over the inappropriateness of 'Americans,' the more familiar terminology. "It is indeed a privilege to address you this evening and to continue our conversation about the future of the United States of America. I want you to know that I am here as much to listen as to speak, and I hope you will tell me what is on your minds."

"Shut up the U.S. campaign B.S. already, Konservo!" shouted one voice from beyond the footlights. "Let's see that legendary can-can of yours!"

Konservo only smiled and said "No, no - I have hung up my dancing shoes for tonight. I'm here to tell you why I now believe that Hillary Clinton is the candidate who most deserves my fellow citizens' support in her bid for office, and why I have donned this pantsuit in her honor."

Amid annoyed mutterings from the standing-room-only crowd - some of whom elbowed their way to the exit demanding a refund of their cover charge - Konservo then delivered a long and rambling speech in which he praised the Senator's positions on health care reform, checks and balances in government, and student loan assistance. He advanced his own additional recommendations for school lunch menus offering roasted garlic and beets as the preferred vegetarian choice, for the compulsory observance on the Federal calendar of all Hallmark holidays - including Sweetest Day, on which citizens would be expected to make a pilgrimage to Hershey, PA - and for old women to wear at least one purple article of clothing at all times.

He concluded the evening's act with a rendition of "God Bless America" which would have brought literal tears to Kate Smith's eyes, and distributed to the audience autographed sheets of freshly-printed "Progresso Konservo" paper dolls, which he says he designed in tribute to his new favorite in the 2008 race. (Sharp eyes will spot that he has added his trademark accessory, the toilet brush, to the Clintonesque accessories. The graphic accompanying this article can be downloaded to provide a somewhat less limited-edition version of the paper doll.)

The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign - in both its political and crusading aspects - was swift to condemn Konservo's statements while expressing hope for their former colleague to return to his previously-established views.

Near the Ohio border, Candidate RALPH jumped up and down on the roof of the van, its slapdash paint job already flaking to reveal U-Haul orange beneath, as Campaign Blat and Über Troll stood by, doing their best to stabilize the dangerously-swaying vehicle. "PIAPS!!!!" screamed RALPH. "PIAPS!!!! SHE HAS LURED MY MOST LOYAL ADHERENT INTO HER WEB OF LIES!!!!! SHE WANTS TO BUILD A SOCIALIST, ANTI-FAMILY POLITICAL MOVEMENT THAT ENCOURAGES WOMEN TO LEAVE THEIR HUSBANDS, KILL THEIR CHILDREN, PRACTICE WITCHCRAFT, DESTROY CAPITALISM, AND BECOME LESBIANS AND CROSS-DRESSERS IN LOUSY CANADIAN GAY NIGHTCLUBS WHERE THEY BUMP DOUGHNUTS AND SLURP WARM BRIE ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!!!"

At this point RALPH actually did fall off the van, narrowly avoiding impalement on one of Über Troll's horns. Campaign Blat distributed a written statement saying that they hoped Konservo would seek privately-insured medical treatment at once and urging him to come back from Canada, where the flavorful beer and socially-conscious political movements seemed to have addled his brain cell. (Subsequent verification with the campaign confirmed the closing, singular noun was intentional and not a typo.)

The reaction from the RALPHTURE pilgrimage in Iowa was, as expected, far more vitriolic. After speaking in tongues for nearly half an hour - in what awed onlookers described as sounding like a recording of an Ann Coulter speech played backwards, including phrases such as "I swallowed Adam's Apple - now that's creationism for you!" and "William Kristol is so hot!" - Prophet Lephari denounced Konservo in harsh terms, declaring that unless he repents and embraces the RALPHTURE, he will be cast "INTO THE LAKE OF FIERY TABASCO FROM WHICH THERE IS NO COOLING RETURN TO DELICIOUS, JIGGLY JELL-O!!" At that point he fed the masses from a seemingly bottomless bucket of artificially-flavored lime Jell-0 in which slices of ripe banana - which he denied had originated in Cuba - were suspended.

As Konservo had no reply to either campaign's denunciation, his many Canadian fans are eagerly flocking to the Market on this holiday weekend, hoping for a return to his former routine.

Donkey Moderates Debate on the RALPHTURE

2007-08-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

RALPH took time off from his very hectic schedule of campaigning/parading/pilgrimaging/whatevering to have a debate with Gruff Goat the Atheist to debate the finer theological points of the RALPHTURE. Jesus was unavailable for comment.

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=ralphdebate.flv

ed comments: please excuse the shaky camera work. The cameraman consumed far too many coffees before the debate.

RALPHTURE!! (Gesundheit)

2007-08-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

Behold! The harbinger of Rapture comes!
Across the dusty plains of Iowa
Lephari marches, purposeful of stride.
Behind him walks disciple Sonny White,
Clutching the High Pinata in his hand,
And after him a holy following,
All chanting, "Praise the RALPHTURE! Praise its name!
Give us Lephari, Lord, or give us death!"

While Campaign RALPH makes his slow way through the Midwest (his speeches haven’t really concentrated on policy lately; he’s been more preoccupied with ranting about cross-dressers in Canadian nightclubs and their possible connection to You Know Who), his RALPHTURED clone is gaining followers with every mile he marches.

These followers have begun to call him "Lephari" though where that name came from is a matter of speculation. As has already been noted in this blog, it is an anagram of "Ralphie." On the other hand the name may have been coined by Reverend Augustus ("Fred") Shinnybottom of the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church, who, when his congregation walked out on last Sunday’s sermon when RALPH started preaching in his front yard, allegedly muttered "Will someone take that li’l fairy and burn him at the stake?" Sonny Red and his brother Sonny Green, being either hard of hearing or more hung over than they would admit, misheard his insult and immediately shouted, "We won’t burn your Lephari at the stake! We’ll worship at his feet! We’ll cut his toenails with our teeth! We’ll wash his T-shirts with our own spit! We’ll follow him anywhere, even to Cedar Rapids if he orders us to."

And they are following, in ever increasing numbers. Lephari’s powers have grown considerably in only a week. He began his ministry by dispensing Pez from the Holy Pinata; now he feeds the multitudes with Stoned Wheat Thins and Brie. Yesterday, according to one of our sources, someone made the undoubtedly flippant observation, "So we got the cheese, where’s the wine?" Whereupon Lephari dipped his Official Troll Party Baseball Cap into the waters of the North Skunk River, muttered a few words over it, and poured a seemingly inexhaustible supply of liquid into whatever cups and canteens were available. No, it wasn’t wine, it was Mountain Dew - but the trick gained him an additional half dozen followers anyway. After all, as Sonny White pointed out, "Give him a few weeks and who knows what he’ll be able to do?"

The pilgrimage (or whatever) has just crossed the South Skunk River en route to the Missouri border. And they are infused with a Mission....

"September is at hand," Lephari calls,
"And children will be going back to school.
And what awaits them in their so-called halls
Of learning? Science teachers, that is what!
Long-haired hippies teaching evolution!
Vile secular progressives who ignore
The Word of God, and tell our tender youth
That we’re descended from the jungle apes!
We’ll drive them from their classrooms! We shall hunt
Them out onto the streets to beg for bread!"
And all of the assembled multitude
Cry with united voice, "You bet we will!"
And singing hymns and chanting words of praise
They follow their Lephari down the road
Among the silos and the fields of corn.

Mystery?

2007-08-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

What does it mean?

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=jesus.flv

Viva California Blat!

2007-08-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

An anomaly even in the unusual Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign surfaced again this weekend! California Blat, the love-focused doppelganger of Campaign Blat, completed his trek to Las Vegas in his tricked-out GMC Sierra, and having done so proceeded to heights that even this over-the-top desert community, renowned for its excesses and its secrecy, found alarming.

This blog will spare you the unfortunate details of Blat's attempt to hijack the Starship Enterprise at the Las Vegas Hilton's "Star Trek Experience." Also the teriyaki incident at Benihana, the Elvis-based vandalism at the Hard Rock Casino, and the apparent pilfering of the coin laundry at the Courtyard by Marriott upon discovering that the facility had - unusually, for Vegas - not a single slot machine on the premises.

No, the campaign relevance begins with the press conference he called shortly after arriving at Circus/Circus, at which he revealed "campaign plans" to build a 50-foot tall robotic version of himself and set it loose to roam the Strip, shooting lasers and occasionally fountaining vitamins to the crowd like confetti. Plans call for the robot - as yet unfunded, according to independent reports - to spout recorded campaign messages and to project campaign commercials on parking structure walls in strategic locations. When one reporter asked whether the robot would utilize solar power, Blat replied that an array of 192 AA batteries would be substituted, for "convenience."

"All I want to do is spread the LOVE!" Blat proclaimed to the crowd, urging them to partake of the cases of chilled Vibe procured for the confab. "ROBOT-LOVE, VEGAS-LOVE, LASER-LOVE, VITAMIN-LOVE, BLAT-LOVE, RALPH-LOVE, HATE-LOVE, WINGNUT-LOVE! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!!"

At that point, balloons dropped from the ceiling, exuding scents of rose petals, catnip and onions as they popped. "Looking for My Leopard" videos began to play on multiple big-screen monitors, and the crowd cheered at Blat's announcement of free Jumbo Shrimp Cocktails for all.

In other campaign news, Konservo appeared as the cover story on the newest issue of The Makarena Advocate. He has yet to rejoin the campaign, which insiders believe to be traveling through Ohio at present; however, on a more positive note, his career as a cabaret performance artist catering to - ahem, specific tastes - seems assured.

New Limited Edition Lephariad

2007-08-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

The Ralph/Blat '08 campaign is pleased to announce the release of a new limited edition of The Lephariad, the grand epic tracing the adventures of a brave troll named Lephari (an anagram of "Ralphie") as he sojourns across a harsh, PIAPS-loving world on his quest to save America's Greatest President. Originally available only in separate HTML installments on the jihadist demlib hate blog News Hounds, The Lephariad has now been compiled in one volume and digitally remastered, and comes with authentic Medieval leather binding.* It can be downloaded, free of charge, here. All proceeds benefit the Ralph/Blat '08 campaign.

"I love it."
—Count Istvan, The Istvan Factor

"Nelson displays her mastery of humor and verse."
—Daily Squirrel Book Review

"A VILE PLOT BY PIAPS!!!!!"
—Ralph

*Not included.

Key Corporate, Union Endorsements for Campaign

2007-08-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

In modern campaigns, not even a compelling message and a passion for the issues can succeed without key endorsements and a steady source of campaign contributions. How much more important, then, are these latter two for a campaign whose grasp on the ideas that shape our times is tenuous and whose core passion seems to be for upper-case fonts?

Given this dynamic, the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign is fortunate indeed to have obtained some high-profile endorsements from pillars of industry sympathetic to their goals. Campaign spokesperson Über Troll released a list of these and other key supporters as their van stopped to refuel at a Sinclair station in Bucyrus, Ohio.

Über Troll's announcements led off with RALPH's endorsement by cereal importer Blat-O-Meal, which is honoring its endorsee with his own RALPH-branded cereal, Hate Flakes. "The imported Chinese gluten used in the cereal arrives completely melamine-free," U.T. explained. "The CEO insists on adding only American-made melamine, for complete quality control." Blat-O-Meal executives were quoted as saying that they favored RALPH's platform of reduced tariffs on "magically delicious marshmallow bits."

RALPH also picked up the endorsement of heartland industry titan Luthorcorp. Speaking from his Smallville, Kansas manse, follicularly-challenged corporate executive Lex Luthor said, with his typical sardonic economy: "Apart from all the shouting, I like his style. You never know what to expect from him. Also, we share a keen interest in the Apocalypse." Metropolis newspaper of record the Daily Planet declined to comment, citing an extensive exposé presently in the works and the need to protect their sources.

U.T. then recounted a short list of organizations which have gone public with their support for Ralph/Blat 2008, including:

U.T. would have gone on to list additional RALPH fans; however, the candidate chose this moment to appear through the campaign van's sunroof in a squirming, desperate attempt to claw his way out of the vehicle's interior. "PIAPS!!!! PIAPS!!!! SHE WANTS TO TURN MY VAN INTO A LESBIAN LOVE NEST!!!!!!!! IT WAS ALL A PLOT!!!!!!!!! KONSERVO, HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! NOW I MUST PREPARE A VAT OF TROPICAL PUNCH KOOL-AID IN ORDER THAT I MAY BE CLEANSED OF THIS FOUL TAINT!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA-ulp!"

RALPH abruptly disappeared and the van rocked in signs of an apparent scuffle within. Blat's head then reappeared through the sunroof. "Sorry," he mumbled. "He, uh...found the magazine cover. We'd better go, Über..."

As the van departed down Highway 4, torn-out magazine pages were seen to be tossed from the windows, one unfortunate page sadly plastering itself across a fellow motorist's line of sight and resulting in a four-car pile-up. Thankfully, there were no injuries, but the Ohio State Highway Patrol has issued a bulletin and a description of the van, and urges law enforcement officials as well as all Ohio motorists to remain on the alert.

- - - - - - - -

A Housekeeping Note: Welcome to those who may have found the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign thanks to ThinkProgress' most dedicated troll. RALPH is already known to many of you for his occasionally pornographic rants on the Rapture and his dedication to upper-case fonts; Blat is one of our old trolls from Newshounds and especially the Newshounds Off-Topic Forum (He's an online vitamin salesman. No, really!), and after making fun of him this long he was the clear frontrunner to be RALPH's running mate.

Konservo/Makarios/Mr.P's praise for our mockery here is noted, but of course entirely incidental to the main purpose of Rapture Ralph for President. RALPH and Blat are our business. Mocking Konservo? A passing, if satisfying, amusement.

Escape from Canada!!!

2007-08-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

RALPH is a free man again (at least, the clone who was under observation in Ottawa is free.)

After receiving a hand-couriered letter from Canada's Public Safety Minister, Stockwell Day, authorities at the Royal Ottawa Hospital allowed friends Über Troll and Campaign Blat to sign RALPH out, provided they took him back across the border immediately.

The Public Safety Minister provided a personal letter allowing RALPH safe conduct across the border. "Though the personal appearance of Mr. RALPH and his friends may be such as to excite suspicion, I can vouch for them as honourable men and servants of the Lord," the letter read. Dr. Ahmed Khoury shook his head as he co-signed RALPH’s release papers. "I hope the US knows what’s coming," he said.

Before RALPH's entourage left Ottawa, they had a brief meeting with Mr. Day at Dow’s Lake Pavilion. The campaign van with its amateurish spray-painting job arrived on the dock at about 1:00 p.m. The Candidate was in the back, playing darts with a picture of Hillary Clinton, still wearing his fur coat even though the temperature was about 85 degrees Fahrenheit with a soaring Humidex. Konservo was nowhere to be seen. He hasn’t been seen, in fact, since Wednesday night when he put on his French maid outfit and headed for the Byward Market nightclub district. Campaign Blat said he’d left a number of messages on his cell phone and gotten no reply.

RALPH, though still heavily sedated, managed to get out of the van when Mr. Day roared up to the dock on his notorious jet ski. "I am only too happy to extend the hand of compassion to a fellow Christian in trouble," Day told RALPH. "I hope can you do for the United States what I would have done for Canada if they’d let me become Prime Minister."

"Mbmmble gmmmvwp," RALPH replied, before Über Troll silently packed him back into the campaign van.

So the van headed down Highway 401 toward the border post at Gananoque, Ontario, and the US border guard waved it across without asking a question after reading the letter.

"I hope the sedation doesn’t wear off for a while," said Campaign Blat as the van drove down I-81 toward Watertown, New York. "If he realizes we’re in PIAPS’ state, he’ll go ballistic. I’m heading for Pennsylvania as fast as I can."

But what about Konservo? Why didn’t they wait for him? With an expression of deep sympathy, Campaign Blat opened the glove compartment and pulled out the latest issue of Capital Xtra, Ottawa’s gay and lesbian weekly. There on the cover was Konservo, dressed in his French maid costume and a feather boa, dancing on top of a bar table smeared with mustard. The text read, "Meet the Market’s latest sensation - an American cross-dresser who calls himself Konservo and dances to songs by Edith Piaf and Charles Aznavour while chanting, "Bush is America’s greatest president! Stop PIAPS now! Liberals are twisted with hate!" and other slogans more fitting to a camouflage-wearing, AK-47-toting US redneck than a drag queen. It’s an exquisite concept - both a voyeuristic delight for drag-lovers and an inspired satire of the moral wasteland known as the American Right."

"I - I don’t know whether to show this to RALPH or not," said Campaign Blat hesitantly. "Maybe when he’s somewhat recovered." He took a deep breath and turned away to hide - his tears? No - the wicked grin on his face.

We presume that the campaign van is now headed in search of the RALPHTURE clone, who is reportedly trekking through rural Iowa and gathering disciples at every stop.

Alternate RALPH Surfaces in Iowa, Issues Self-Proclaimed “Prophecy”

2007-08-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Just when ardent news-watchers thought the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign could not possibly get any more perplexing or scattered – between one of its Presidential candidates under psychiatric observation in Canada, his running mate and fellow supporters petitioning for his release, and his other running mate performing in a series of karaoke bars in the Southwestern USA, headed toward Vegas – a new development occurred earlier this evening, disrupting an otherwise innocuous Wednesday night church service and alarming ordinary Americans in the Heartland.

It was a typical Wednesday Bible Study at the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church in tiny (population 283) Atalissa, Iowa. Seated quietly on folding chairs – one churchgoer snoring softly into his massive beard – the congregation was listening to Elvira Radishsprout giving testimony about how an image of Jesus had miraculously appeared on the inside of her compost bin.

That serenity was shattered with the arrival of RALPH. Whether it was the genuine Presidential campaigner or his mysterious clone cannot be determined from eyewitness reports, but what is certain is that he flung open the church doors and bolted for the makeshift pulpit (OK, it was a podium with a church logo velcroed to it, since the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church shares space with the Atalissa Fly-Tying Club), toga flapping around his knees, a take-out falafel desperately clutched in one hand and a piñata in the shape of a goat in the other.

To the astonishment of Reverend Augustus “Fred” Shinnybottom, RALPH thrust both items into his hands and seized the microphone from Mrs. Radishsprout, commanding instant attention from the congregation with his thunderous “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

RALPH’s demeanor then abruptly changed, and he addressed the group more earnestly, even modestly.

“FRIENDS, I HAVE SEEN TONIGHT A GREAT MIRACLE!” he related. “AS I WALKED ALONG THE ROADSIDE TOWARD YOUR HUMBLE COMMUNITY, THE LORD HIMSELF APPEARED TO ME! IN HIS MAGNANIMITY, HE DID NOT STRIKE ME DOWN WHEN I FIRST SQUEALED AT HIM THAT HE WAS AN AGENT OF PIAPS!!! PIAPS!!! PIAPS!!! BUT THEN…”

With a tender gaze directed toward a toddler in the crowd, he continued. “THEN THE LORD REVEALED TO ME MY TRUE PURPOSE AND COMMANDED THAT I BRING HIS WORD HERE FOR ALL OF YOU, MY AND HIS FIRST AND BEST-CHOSEN FLOCK, TO BEAR WITNESS!” RALPH drew a deep anticipatory breath, and the congregation, spellbound, leant in, the better to hear. “THE LORD HAS DECREED THAT BECAUSE OF MY STEADFASTNESS, MY RELENTLESSNESS IN EXPOSING THE DEMLIB CONSPIRACY THAT THREATENS ALL THAT WE HOLD DEAR, HE IS RENAMING THE RAPTURE TO THE ‘RALPHTURE,’ IN MY HONOR!!!!”

RALPH dashed an uncharacteristic tear from his eye before continuing. “OF COURSE, I AVERTED MY GAZE AND SAID “LORD, I AM NOT WORTHY TO LEAD YOUR FAITHFUL AGAINST THE FORCES OF THE TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING, PIAPS-LOVING DEFEATOCRATS!”

He actually choked back a sob before concluding, “YET THE LORD REASSURED ME THAT WITH THE HELP OF FAITHFUL LIKE YOURSELVES, THE MEGAPHONE OF THE INTERNETS AND THE CAPS-LOCK STRENGTH AND IGNORANT RESOLVE I HAVE LONG CULTIVATED, WE CANNOT FAIL! BROTHERS AND SISTERS, PRAISE AND THANKSGIVING – THE RALPHTURE IS SOON AT HAND!!!!!!!!!!”

RALPH was then caught up in the Spirit and began quivering and shaking in movements alarmingly akin to John Travolta’s choreography in Saturday Night Fever. When he finally shed this persona in a cold sweat, he gripped the podium like a lifeline and told the assembly, “GO FORTH AND AWAIT MY SIGN, FAITHFUL FRIENDS! IN THE MEANTIME, THE LORD HAS COMMANDED THAT YOU SHARE THIS FALAFEL – SAYING THESE WORDS, ‘EAT, FOR THESE ARE MY SACRED CHICKPEAS, WHICH I SHOWER UPON THEE’ – AND THEN YOU ARE TO STONE THIS PINATA AND DISTRIBUTE THE HOLY PEZ WITHIN TO THE MASSES. FOR INASMUCH AS YOU DELIVER TO THEM CHEAP CANDY IN PLASTIC DISPENSERS WITH HEADS, YOU HAVE DONE SO UNTO ME.”

RALPH then departed as he came – at top speed, and to the alarm of the congregation – leaving no sign of his future intentions or his planned whereabouts.

Rev. Shinnybottom, suspicious that RALPH was in fact a dangerous lunatic and not a true man of God, has turned over both the falafel and the piñata to authorities, along with a description and a current photo taken by an alert member of the congregation.

Not all of his flock were in agreement, however. “Everything he said resonated with my most deeply-held beliefs,” commented dismayed longtime church member Sonny Red, and his brothers Sonny White and Sonny Black. “I’m disappointed in Reverend Shinnybottom, to be honest. We should have been prepared to follow RALPH through hellfire itself…or at the very least, to the advanced levels of the ‘Left Behind’ video game.”

The Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign could not be reached for comment, given their “official” current presence in Canada and the strong likelihood of their campaign phones abroad being subject to warrantless wiretapping.

RalphWatch Ottawa, Day 3: Drastic Measures are Under Consideration

2007-08-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

It’s Day Three of RALPH’s confinement in the Royal Ottawa Hospital, and the Candidate's prospects don't look good.

After trolling outside the hospital gates for several hours last night, the patrons from Absinthe Café Resto Bar eventually sobered up and went home; but Konservo, Über Troll and Campaign Blat remained, chanting "Free Rapture RALPH!" until about four a.m. when police arrived to escort them off the premises. They were back again this morning. All day they circled around on the sidewalk, carrying placards that read "SOVIET CANUCKISTAN HATES AMERICA" and "STOP DOING PIAPS’ WORK", causing a major traffic jam on Carling Avenue as commuters stopped to see what was going on.

At about 1:00 p.m., a spokeswoman from the hospital appeared to answer questions from the media. She reported that RALPH had given them nothing but trouble from the moment he was admitted. They allowed him to spend some time in the patients' lounge Monday night after supper, but had to remove him when he started ranting because the TV did not carry Fox News. Later that evening, when psychiatric resident Ahmed Khoury came to assess him, RALPH shocked him by leaping across the table and grabbing his throat. "It was scary," Dr. Khoury told reporters. "He screamed at me, called me a terrorist and an Islamofascist and what else did you expect under socialized medicine, and said all kinds of other things I didn't understand. Like calling me an agent of - what was it? Paps? When they got him off me he was yelling at me to go back to where I was born. Hate to break it to him, but I was born right here in Ottawa."

The Candidate is currently under 24-hour observation, and so heavily sedated that he is watching CBC Newsworld without complaint. His assessment team is reportedly considering everything - "even lobotomy," according to the spokeswoman.

Meanwhile, RALPH's loyal followers have retired to the Embassy West Hotel to get a good night’s sleep - all except Konservo, who, having been advised by one of the Absinthe patrons to "try the Market", took a taxi downtown, intending to pilot-test his "Dijon Divine" routine at the Helsinki Lounge and Disco’s Wednesday night drag party.

Konservo Makes Bizarre Bid for Ottawa Ralph's Freedom

2007-08-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

In the wake of a series of campaign setbacks - RALPH's apparent cloning, his incarceration outside U.S. jurisdiction, and now the shocking news about his paternal heritage - the candidate's Toady-In-Chief, Konservo, appears to have launched an unusual one-man effort to rally support for RALPH among the base.

Perhaps in the mistaken assumption that Canada is a primarily French-speaking nation, Konservo arrived in Ottawa this afternoon thanks to a campaign sympathizer. He emerged clad in a fetching French Maid's costume and clutching a sheaf of campaign posters with which he efficiently papered utility poles, traffic signals and construction walls throughout the Parliamentary area, applying adhesive with his trademark toilet brush while humming "La Marseillaise" under his breath.

Patrons of the Absinthe Café Resto Bar were particularly taken with the posters, featuring Konservo himself dancing atop a jar of Grey Poupon with the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Konservo delightedly autographed souvenir posters and addressed the group as they enjoyed paté, sliced baguettes, and baked triple-cream Brie.

"You must understand that RALPH is a REAL AMERICAN of the best possible kind! He HATES everyone who HATES America and baseball and apple pie and NASCAR! Why, he's as American as Stephen Harper!!!!!" declared Konservo. Then, detecting the murmur of dissatisfaction that rippled through the Café at this utterance, he deftly switched talking points. "That's why it's so important for us to get RALPH back to the U.S.! You don't want him here messing up all your nice peace demonstrations and socialized healthcare and gay weddings. If we all hurry, we can probably even get him back to the States by the time AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-GEO...er, George W. Bush...leaves. They could travel together. You know, share brush-clearing stories and fart jokes and their favorite moments from Karl Rove's Dirty Tricks Compendium..."

Having been knocking back pints for some time even before the five rounds Konservo put on RALPH's credit card, the enthusiastic crowd rallied behind him and staggered toward the Royal Ottawa Psychiatric Hospital. Their attempts to storm the gates proved futile, however, as a polite but stern orderly insisted that RALPH would have to remain for at least a week in order for specialists to conclusively establish his mental stability.

At the last report from Ottawa, Konservo and his newfound colleagues had begun a sit-in at the front gates of the facility. As night fell Konservo was spotted performing an impromptu can-can while singing "Alouette, gentille Alouette, Alouette je te plumerai!" in a strained falsetto.

"He's a riot!" commented one of the group from the Café, leaning back against the fence in amusement. "He has some freaky gender-identity issues that he needs to come to grips with, sure, but on the whole it's a terrific show for the price. Whoa - hang on - he's got his hands on the Grey Poupon! This means trouble. Excuse me..."

Cleanup crews were converging on the area, which smelt overwhelmingly of Dijon, at press time.

Ralph Patrilineage REVEALED!

2007-08-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

Donkey, in an astonishing Ralph interview, happened to catch the video for this amazing father-son reunion.

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=donkeyvader2.flv

How this will affect the RALPH campaign is yet unknown. So, incidentally, are Karl Rove's current whereabouts...

Ralph Crashes Summit Demonstration!

2007-08-20T16:22:00.001-07:00

At least one of the RALPH clones is in secure detention in Canada’s capital today, following a display that had even hardened crowd-control experts shaking their heads.

We’re not sure why RALPH decided to follow President Bush to Canada for the Security and Prosperity Partnership summit. At all events his campaign RV, which had been quickly spray-painted white so as to pass unnoticed, managed to get across the border in the wee hours of this morning. It arrived in downtown Ottawa at around noon and discharged its primary occupant somewhere along Wellington Street. RALPH nearly broke his leg trying to walk in snowshoes on the concrete, then broke the snowshoes trying to unfasten them with his fur-lined mitts on; but somehow he managed to waddle onto the grounds of Parliament Hill, where hundreds of demonstrators, all wearing sandals and T-shirts as was appropriate to the fine summer day, were boarding buses en route to the Chateau Montebello.

Climbing onto the pedestal of the Eternal Flame, RALPH began to berate the demonstrators in a very loud voice. "PATHETIC LIBTARDS!" he roared. "SPEWING OUT THIS HATE OF AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT? WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT, THOUGH, FROM A COUNTRY THAT BROUGHT US HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE AND SOCIALIZED MEDICINE? BUT SEAN HANNITY HAS EXPOSED YOU. HE's EXPOSED IRAQ-SHIRKING, BIN-LADEN-KISSING, FREEDOM-HATING, AMERICA’S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-BASHING, PIAPS-LOVING CANADA AS A LEFT-WING, SOCIALIST BASKET CASE"!!!

"Who’s Sean Hannity?" asked one of the demonstrators. "Who the fuck is PIAPS?" asked another. "Why don’t you get that fur coat off before you have a heart attack?" asked a third.

Taking no notice, RALPH continued, "IT JUST SHOWS HOW TWISTED YOUR MINDS ARE IN HATE!!!!! ALL YOU SOVIET CANUCKISTANIS CAN DO IS WHINE AND SPEW AND SHIT AND PISS HATE!!!! AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-HATE, CHENEY-HATE, STARS-AND-STRIPES HATE, TROOPS-HATE, VALUES-HATE,, CONDOLEEZZA-HATE, NEW-WORLD-ORDER-HATE, SECURITY-AND-PROSPERITY-PARTNERSHIP-HATE, PATRIOT-ACT-HATE, FREEDOM-AGENDA-HATE, FOX-NEWS-HATE, COULTER-HATE, BASEBALL-HATE, MOTHERHOOD-AND-APPLE-PIE-HATE, PERSONAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, FAITH-HATE, HETEROSEXUAL-MARRIAGE-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, TRUTH-HATE, FACTS-HATE, FAMILY-VALUES-HATE, ISRAEL-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Then what’d you come here for?" shouted a demonstrator. And dozens of young people with placards closed in on him, chanting, "BUSHIE GO HOME! BUSHIE GO HOME!"

Seeing the crowd’s hostility, several policemen intervened, interposing between the demonstrators and RALPH. Not in the least bit grateful, the Candidate turned on them: "YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!!! I’M AN AMERICAN!!!! I'M A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!! I’M RAPTURED!!! WHEN YOUR PRESIDENT HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU’LL BE HOT BUTTERED TOAST WITH CINNAMON ON IT!!" And he fought violently, to the delight of the demonstrators, while the police wrestled him out of his fur coat and forced him into a straitjacket.

RALPH is now under close observation at the Royal Ottawa Psychiatric Hospital. He is reportedly baffling his attendants by calling them "agents of PIAPS," insisting that he must speak to the President of Canada right away, "even though he is a pathetic libtard," and warning them that the Newshounds will dynamite the hospital because they know he's in it.

Ralph clone suspected

2007-08-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

SNN—Compounding the Ralph campaign's Blat-related problems, it now appears that Ralph has also been cloned, Ralph's senior minion, Konservo, told the Daily Squirrel on Monday. He relates that he was walking through a public park while wearing a toga, as is his wont, when someone he thought to be Ralph approached him. "At first he seemed normal, but then he insulted the Attorney General, and called me a libtard. It's just not like him. I'm so confused."

The Squirrel also reports that there have been several unconfirmed sightings of California Blat in the company of a short, hunchbacked man with a peculiar gait and an Eastern European accent.

Moment-Men Hot on California Blat’s Trail

2007-08-17T01:47:00.000-07:00

Close on the heels of California Blat’s “love-trek” through the Mojave Desert, a squad of RALPH’s recently-mobilized Moment-Men made a pit stop in Stockton, headed south in their battered Dodge pickup trucks and the occasional Winnebago. They took a few moments from their intense pursuit to speak with local Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign supporters in the parking lot of Archie’s Café on Highway 99.

“That there Blat has gone clean out of his mind, or I’m a monkey’s uncle,” declared Moment-Man Hiram T. Peashucker, originally from Hangman’s Creek, Alabama. “So when RALPH put out the call to track that sucker down and knock some sense into him, it was like the sounding of the Last Trumpet. I couldn’t rightly look at myself of a morning if I didn’t pitch in and do my part to bring the freak back to his right mind again. And I do mean, Right.”

Fellow Moment-Man Eustace M. Whazzup of Whitesheets, Mississippi felt exactly the same. “RALPH’s summons was a lamp unto my feet and a balm unto my bunions,” he said to campaign supporters who rallied around the group over to-go bags of tater tots, extra ketchup, and Velveeta/Wonder Bread grilled cheese sandwiches. “I knew I had to gird my loins, hitch up my overalls, and track down the nasty librul-leanin’ varmint before he went and did some damage to national security or somesuch thang.”

When one of the local campaign adherents wondered aloud how the Moment-Men account for the parallel existence of Campaign Blat and California Blat, and what they hope to accomplish by apprehending California Blat, Idaho native and Moment-Man Darrell “Potatohead” Oilslick was quick to respond. “Well, I mean…it stands to reason, you put the two of them together, RALPH lays his consecrated hands on both of them…and the Lord will surely move in mysterious ways! God willing, it may even trigger a pre-Rapture event for everyone involved - praise Jay-sus!”

The Moment-Men, however, acknowledged having a dearth of leads in their determined pursuit of California Blat. “We pretty much have nothing to go on following that reported sing-song at Cathy’s Cactus Bar,” offered Cletus S. Knothole. “But a crazy fag-dressing love-spewing nutcase in a tricked-out GMC shouldn’t be that hard to trail. Dag-nabbit, just as sure as there were WMDs in Iraq and Dick Cheney is an honorable statesman and Alberto Gonzales is deeply committed to honesty and the rule of law, we’ll drag that wigged-out hippie back to Campaign HQ for the ass-whuppin' he deserves!”

At last viewing, the Moment-Men’s convoy was headed south towards Modesto, tailpipe-exhaust smoldering in the evening’s waning light.

Meanwhile, at Campaign HQ and nearer the Midwest election action, the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign was readying a response, anticipated early next week, to new allegations that rising campaign insider Konservo’s past life included the pseudonymous publication (as cryptic author “Mr. P”) of a steamy gay-porn novel entitled Sailors: Life Bestride the Mast, detailing a seagoing liaison between a young ensign modeled upon Konservo himself and the senior naval officer he idolized, one Admiral Ralph. More details will unfold here as they emerge.

The Legend of California Blat, Part I: The Long Drink of Water

2007-08-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

A cloud of dust on the horizon. A roar of wheels! The coyotes and vultures raise their heads and scatter into the brush as they hear, above the roar, a slightly off-key voice raised in song.
It’s CALIFORNIA BLAT, the self-proclaimed American Hero! Ridin’ the backroads in his red, white and blue GMC Sierra, appearing suddenly where he will and disappearing just as suddenly.

Already he’s becoming a legend in the Mojave Desert. Only yesterday an amazed young couple, whose car had overheated somewhere between Baker and Barstow, told this remarkable story. According to the young man (whose name we didn’t catch), "We were standing by the side of the road with the hood up, just ready to cry. And then suddenly, along comes this weird truck, and this guy jumps out with a bottle of water. Just a small Nalgene bottle, half a gallon or so. I thought, shit, that’s not gonna be near enough. But he tips the bottle into the radiator, and you could hear this glug, glug, glug, went on for ages. Like he was filling it from a big tank or something. And then after that, he holds the bottle out to us. ‘Go on, drink.’ And would you believe it - that little bottle was full. He’d just filled my radiator tank with it and it was still full."

"Tasted good too," said his female companion. "Like ginger ale."

"No way. It was more like root beer."

"Anyway," said the girl quickly, "our car started right away. We thanked him and offered to treat him to dinner, but he said no, he had to stay ahead of the ‘Moment Men’. Whatever he meant by that. And he got back in his truck and roared off. He was weird, but I don't care. He saved our butts."

That same evening California Blat wandered into Cathy's Cactus Bar, somewhere along I-15, and, interrupting a country band that was in the middle of "Achy Breaky Heart", unslung the guitar from his back and burst into the following song (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel"):

"I’m the Redneck Hippie,
I’m running wild and free
The Moment Men are on my trail
But they won’t capture me.

‘Cause I’m a mighty hero
(A mighty hero)
And they’re a big fat zero,
Yes they are."

After singing this he immediately slung the guitar over his back again and bolted out of the bar. Seconds later a squealing roar assaulted the ears of everyone within a half mile radius, and the American-Hero-Mobile had vanished into the night, while the patrons looked at one another and shook their heads.

RALPH's First Campaign Ad

2007-08-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

This week, RALPH rolled out his inaugural campaign ad, although some media analysts speculated that perhaps his handlers do not quite understand the landscape of political advertising.

Judge for yourselves:

The Morning After (The Iowa Straw Poll, that is..)

2007-08-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well, the Iowa straw poll is over, and RALPH did better than expected. He received 28 votes despite the fact that he is not running as a Republican. However, the votes were invalidated after inspection revealed that 24 of them had been cast by Konservo. We have no idea who cast the other four. It may have been Campaign Blat; but that's not likely. RALPH kept him so busy over the weekend - vacuuming the RV, fetching dry cleaning, picking roadkill off the highways for Rush the vulture’s dinner, and similar tasks - that he probably didn’t have the time to vote. Which makes one wonder - who else is voting for RALPH?

It being Sunday, RALPH did not campaign. After praying with his team for four hours, he retired to his RV bedroom and shut the door. Thereafter nothing more was heard from him except the occasional burst of maniacal laughter or blood-curdling shriek. A very large heavily bearded man, wearing camouflage gear, brass knuckles and metal-toed boots, and identifying himself as "Über-Troll," stood guard at the door and would let no one but Konservo enter; so we don’t know whether the candidate was writing his next campaign speech or Part V of "The Morning After".

In other news: Kate Stone has uncovered at least one source of RALPH’s mysterious income. According to her latest No Stone Unturned column, he was being paid to take part in a clinical trial for an new anti-psychotic drug. However, the drug’s manufacturer, Megascum Pharmaceuticals, stopped the trial last week. A spokesman for the company said, "It’s plain from RALPH’s behaviour that the drug is ineffective. In addition, other participants in the trial developed bizarre side effects like lime-green lips, foot-long nose hairs and the compulsion to walk on their hands." (Note: the candidate has shown no sign of these, at least not yet.)

According to Campaign Blat, who was on his knees cleaning the kitchen floor, the campaign plans to head into the Dakotas next week.

BREAKING NEWS: Ralph accused of sockpuppetry

2007-08-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

Reuters—On today's episode of The Istvan Factor, guest Marie Therese, an official in the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy (VLWC), alleged that US presidential candidate Ralph had been posting at her website under the name "Über-Troll". While this is not the first time such allegations have been made, it is the first time they have come from such a high-ranking VLWC member.

The use of multiple identities, called sockpuppets, is prohibited by 11 CFR §537.

Ralph's campaign had no immediate comment, except to say that it was "probably PIAPS' fault." The candidate himself could not be immediately contacted.

Bizarro Blat – RALPH Calls out the Posse!

2007-08-11T00:18:00.001-07:00

As California Blat re-emerged on the scene yet again late this week, an increasingly exasperated – indeed, downright shrill – RALPH called upon campaign supporters to locate and if possible apprehend this unusual, love-focused version of Blat…who, claims RALPH, is giving the campaign a bad name.

At a fuel stop in Texarkana with Rush the Vulture gliding overhead cawing “DEMLIB! DEMLIB!”, RALPH took the opportunity to address a family traveling in a van with Kentucky plates, a cabbie who dashed urgently into the Shell station restroom for the duration of the stop, the two deeply bored convenience store clerks/gas attendants, and a passing skateboarder.

“THIS FREAKY LOVE-OBSESSED QUASI-LIBTARD BLAT CLONE IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE REAL ISSUES FACING AMERICA THIS ELECTION YEAR!” he declared. “WE NEED A LEADER WHO WILL EMULATE AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT BY BATTLING ISLAMISTS OVER THERE AND STANDING ON THE STRATEGICALLY-LIT RUBBLE OF COLLAPSED INFRASTRUCTURE HERE, IF WE ALL DON’T WANT TO DIE IN OUR BEDS BECAUSE OF MARAUDING GODLESS MUSLIM HORDES!! THIS IS THE REAL BLAT…”

Campaign Blat offered a feeble wave but was cut off from any attempt to speak himself, as RALPH continued: “…AND THIS OTHER TATTOO-WEARING, DOUGHNUT-REDDENING, VITAMIN-BUMPING IMPOSTOR IS A FAKE AND A PHONY AND SHOULD START WEARING PANTSUITS! PANTSUITS! PANTSUITS!!! I CALL UPON ALL RAPTURE-READY, PATRIOTIC RESIDENTS OF AMERICA AND ULSTER TO FIND HIM AND BRING HIM IN, FOR HIS OWN GOOD, LEST HE BE LOST AND BECOME EVEN MORE AN AGENT OF PIAPS!!!!!!”

“SO TRUE!! SO TRUE!!” chorused Konservo, dashing a tear from his eye before prostrating himself and polishing RALPH’s belt-buckle with Windex and a cloth, and then favoring the small and bemused assembly with a brief mime routine and a series of bird-calls which, at one point, had the group ducking as Rush dove for their heads as if toward prey.

Campaign Blat said nothing, though his expression conveyed great frustration as the campaigners re-boarded the RV for their return journey toward Iowa for the forthcoming straw poll, and that frustration was only confirmed and magnified when he floored the accelerator as they exited the station, spewing chokingly-thick gasoline fumes toward their small audience and sending Rush the Vulture into a whiplash-like lurch from where he clung to the CB antenna by his talons.

And what of the source of RALPH’s ire? Spurring on this incident was the appearance by California Blat at the candidates’ forum on gay issues sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign and web site LOGO.

Although not an invited participant, California Blat made his point to reporters both during and after the Forum. During the event, he stood up as the participating candidates were being introduced, took off his T-shirt, and displayed his new tattoo for the cameras, flexing his flabby muscles in an attempt to make the eagle flap its wings.

Security swiftly removed California Blat from the building, but reporters from local stations caught up with him afterward for commentary.

“The gay and lesbian community needs to realize that the Ralph/Blat campaign doesn’t HATE them,” he insisted. “We don't even get confused about whether or not being gay is a 'choice,' like that Richardson dude. We LOVE our gay brothers and sisters. We love them so much that we’re not willing for a single one of them to be lost to Satan and PIAPS! If we have to discriminate against them, deny them the benefits that other couples take for granted, demonize them for corrupting our childen and poisioning society as we know it and calling down Divine Wrath upon this Great Nation…we will do all that with LOVE. Because there is nothing we love quite so much as bullying everyone else into seeing things our way and our way only. That’s what we love, love, love. All you need is love!”

California Blat declined to be peppered with further questions as the Forum broke up, but leapt into his silver GMC Sierra and headed north through the Grapevine toward Tehachapi. A rumored but unconfirmed sighting occurred at a Casa De Fruta outpost where it was claimed he purchased a jar of jalapeño jelly and a garlic braid.

Meanwhile, the poster illustrated at the beginning of this article has begun appearing on telephone poles nationwide as improvised bands of vigilantes calling themselves either “Ralph’s Rovers” or “The Momentmen” have sprung up overnight.

Travelers on U.S. highways during these final weeks of the summer tourist season are urged to give these groups a wide berth and tune in to the finale of Hell’s Kitchen instead.

Is RALPH the World's Greatest Redneck? We'll Have to Wait to Find Out

2007-08-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

If RALPH had dreams of being the Spam Eating Champion of the 2007 Texas Redneck Games, those dreams have been rudely dashed. He and his entourage arrived this afternoon at Pool Ranch ATV Park in Athens, Texas ("Home of the Original Hamburger"), all primed to participate in the Games - only to find that they’d taken place last weekend.

Having decided not to rebuild his burnt-down campaign headquarters, he has acquired a new campaign RV, and painted it fire-engine red. On both sides, in white and blue, are the words, RALPH/BLAT 2008!!! LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!!! and STOP PIAPS NOW!!! While RALPH and Konservo were playing tiddlywinks in the living area, Campaign Blat, singing "Proud to be an Okie from Muskogee" at the top of his voice, drove this vehicle into the ATV park at top speed and promptly mired it in a mile-wide lake of garbage-strewn mud left over from the previous weekend.

When asked where the games were, the park maintenance staff exploded with laughter. "I know we get some dumb-ass folks at these games," said one, "but at least most of ‘em get here on the right day. Y’all come back in February - that’s when we’re hostin’ the Texas Redneck Muddy Gras. Hey, watch your language there, mister. Who the hell is PIAPS? How can I be his agent if I don’t know who he is?"

In the end, the park staff helped pull RALPH’s RV out of the mud just to get rid of him, and the entourage proceeded to Henderson County Fair Park, where people were arriving for this weekend’s Northeast Texas Paint Horse Show. There a small audience gathered to hear the candidate document his grievances against Senator Clinton. They listened politely at first, but began to heckle when RALPH described how, while walking innocently down a street in Hartford, Connecticut, he had been grabbed from behind, bound, gagged and thrown into a clothes dryer by her agents. "IF PIAPS HAD HAD HER WAY I WOULD HAVE BEEN SMOTHERED TO DEATH BY A SOGGY T-SHIRT!!" he roared. "BUT I HAVE BEEN SAVED FOR THE RAPTURE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He had to leave abruptly when the audience began pelting him with various objects they found in the stables. While Rush the vulture flew at RALPH’s tormentors shrieking, "FUCKTARDS!" Konservo shielded the candidate with his body until they reached the safety of the RV.

"Too bad he missed the games," Campaign Blat muttered as he gunned the RV out of the parking lot. "He would have won the Butt-crack contest hands down."

Hmm - was that a teeny bit of resentment in Blat’s voice?